I Can’t Bear to See My Friend After What She Did to Her Fiancé—and Other Advice From the Week
Slate publishes a lot of advice each week, so we’re pulling together a selection of our favorites. Here are a few of the most compelling questions from the week and links to hours of advice reading. This week: friend decisions, stay-at-home dads, and sharing food.
Not Brave, Not Selfish: I’ve been friends with Julie for almost 20 years. I have always admired her self-conviction, confidence, and ability to know/go after what she wants without being burdened by the thoughts or opinions of others. She has a strong self of sense that I have always wished I could figure out. Julie has always been clear she does not want children and, until six years ago, steered clear of dating men with children. She met Ben at a mutual friend’s destination wedding and had a fling with him that continued once the wedding weekend came to an end. We were all surprised that their relationship continued and blossomed into an engagement because Ben has a son from a previous relationship. Julie said that they were able to make it work because Ben only had his son, Jalen, 50 percent of the time so she and Ben spent a lot of time together when Jalen was with his mom and then when he was with Ben, she was “around” but focused on her work, hobbies, and friends. Over the years, we saw the three of them together a few times and Julie had the role of “dad’s fun girlfriend.” Jalen seemed comfortable and friendly with Julie, much like all of the kids in our friend group are toward her (she doesn’t dislike children, just doesn’t want any).
About six weeks ago, Jalen’s mother passed away unexpectedly after a cardiac event. Shortly after the funeral, Julie broke off her engagement with Ben and moved out. Over brunch recently, she told me that once she found out that Ben wasn’t going to share custody of Jalen with his maternal grandparents, she decided that she couldn’t figure out a way to make it work with Jalen living with Ben full-time and decided to move on. She talked about how things might be different if Ben had been open to boarding school for Jalen or a shared custody arrangement with grandparents but she only signed on for being with someone with 50 percent custody, not 100 percent. I honestly shouldn’t be shocked—this is very on-brand for Julie, and something I probably would’ve admired about her in the past—the courage to know when a situation isn’t going to work and extricating oneself from it is not one that many know how to do.
However, all I can think is that Julie is a callous and selfish person! I know she did the right thing because it is better for Jalen to not grow up with a stepmother who resents his presence but she’s been in his life for six years! How do I get past this?
Taking the P in SAHP Literally: My husband hated the rat race so when our child was a toddler, he quit regular full-time work to become a stay-at-home parent, whereas I (female) stayed in the workforce to be the breadwinner because I enjoy my career. Now he has a job where he works from home full-time, doing contract work on whatever schedule he wants, meaning he can work four or 40 hours a week at whatever time or day he chooses. Our child is now in elementary school and goes to after-school care full-time. A few weeks ago, my husband billed two hours in one week while I worked 55 hours in the same week.
The problem comes in how we each define what a SAHP does. My husband ONLY does domestic work for our child: pick up, meals, laundry, homework, and playing. I still do the scheduling, health care appointments, deep house cleaning, yard work, and cooking for myself. He refuses to do anything I need during the week like picking up dry cleaning or prescriptions (unless he has to go to the pharmacy for himself or our child) or general errands I need.
He pointed out that my co-workers with SAHPs don’t spend their downtime like that to which I responded by saying, “That’s because their SAHPs take care of EVERYONE in the household, not just the kids. No one is doing my laundry but me!” This exchange erupted into a fight where my husband told me I needed better time management skills and more appreciation for what he does around the house and that my job isn’t the most important one. Where do I go from here?
Should I Stay or Should I…: My new guy (31M) and I (32F) are having some of the hottest, kinkiest sex I’ve ever had. A lot of the kinky stuff is relatively new to me, but not that out there (handcuffs, spanking, other mild BDSM, anal play), and I’m 100 percent down. But recently, after we tipsily stumbled into my apartment, I hopped to the bathroom for an urgent pee and my boyfriend followed me in. I wasn’t sure what was happening but wasn’t bothered. I was surprised when he knelt, opened my legs, and watched me go. But it felt quite intimate and fairly sexy in the moment.
And then when I was done, he leaned forward and licked me! I wasn’t peeing in his mouth by any means. I didn’t feel exactly grossed out, more just shocked. But as he continued to eat me out, I got over that quickly and enjoyed what was honestly probably the best oral of my life. When I asked him about it afterward, he said he hoped he hadn’t moved too fast and that I wasn’t upset. I assured him I was not, but wanted to know more about this side of him. He told me he wasn’t “like, a big golden showers guy” but that he liked the dirtiness of “light pee play” and mentioned that he would be interested in incorporating it into our BDSM play—like making me drink a bunch of water beforehand and then forcing me to hold it in until I couldn’t anymore. He was a bit evasive about whether he wanted me to go in his mouth, but stressed that he was not interested in peeing on me.
I am…intrigued. I would not have gone for this if he’d asked me directly instead of just doing it but obviously, the ensuing sex was hot and I want more of that and just want to make my (awesome) partner happy. I guess my two questions are: Do you think he’s being honest with me? And was this unhealthy?
Stopped Sharing Could Be More Caring: I am struggling with what is the “right” amount of sharing, and taking, in my household. I am 23 and my partner and I moved back home this year to live with my mom and my 19-year-old brother.
In the time we’ve been here, the groceries have been a struggle. We all tend to buy our own groceries and make our own meals. Occasionally, I have bought nice things like fancy juice or the really good popsicles as a treat, and have offered to share some of the nice food items that I’ve purchased with the rest of the house since often there is way too much for me and my partner to finish on our own. But this has led to my mother taking what feels like more than her share to me, and if I do this, I often don’t get to enjoy the treat at all. I will maybe have one popsicle, and by the time I come back for another in a day or two, the box is empty. Am I wrong to feel annoyed?
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