How to survive giving — and getting — negative feedback

Some 28 years ago, fresh out of Brown University, Jeff Wetzler found himself in his boss’s office seeking information. I

nstead of a straightforward answer, he got a scolding from his manager. “Why are you wasting my time?” he was told. “Did you spend any time trying to figure this out for yourself?”

Wetzler, now 49 years old, reflected on the humiliating encounter.

“I was completely embarrassed; my face was red,” said the Hastings-on-Hudson, NY, resident. “My boss was absolutely right, I should have done the research myself and been more respectful of his time.”

Wetzler, now the co-CEO of Transcend Education, a nonprofit organization that leads innovation in school design, is the author of “Ask: Tap Into the Hidden Wisdom of People Around You for Unexpected Breakthroughs in Leadership and Life” (Hachette Book Group, out in May).

In it, he argues that insights often come from unexpected sources and that by listening to them, we gain smarter decision-making abilities, creative problem-solving skills and stronger connections.

Wetzler believes it holds so many opportunities, even when one person tells another something uncomfortable.

“But the feedback needs to be delivered with empathy, showing that you care. It should include something actionable,” he said.

In other words, you wouldn’t tell a colleague whose memo is too long, “this memo sucks,” without also suggesting that the information might be conveyed better via bullet points.

At Transcend Education they use a “tool” whereby both the manager and a staff member provide feedback on each other.

They highlight two positive aspects and two areas for improvement as a constructive way to enhance performance.

Employees who offer feedback to their bosses have something worthwhile to gain as well.

But, “it has to be specific, actionable, empathetic and transparent,” said Nicole D. Smith, a contributor to “Bosses, Coworkers and Building Great Work Relationships” (Harvard Business Review Press, out in May).

Smith said the conversation might start with something like “I didn’t like the way you made me feel,” or “In the meeting I felt …”

“Your boss might not even be aware that you are experiencing this problem,” she said.

Lauren Evans, 31, a resident of Washington Heights and company manager at Ballet Hispanico on the Upper West Side, found herself in a meeting negotiating a contract alongside colleagues and union representatives.

During a break, the dance company’s legal counsel took Evans aside, advising her to speak less and listen more.

“I wasn’t leaving space for feedback. Now it seems so obvious,” said Evans.

At Ballet Hispanico, feedback is championed as a means of learning and improvement.

“This stands in stark contrast to the culture of years past,” said Eduardo Vilaro, artistic director and CEO of Ballet Hispanico. “There’s more collaboration and rapport among colleagues.
At the ballet company, feedback comes from everyone, not just your boss. People don’t fear it.

“Here, feedback is feedback,” said Vilaro. “It’s not positive or negative. But it helps if it’s precise and focused on the individual’s needs.”

At Fortier Public Relations in Midtown, there’s a formula for feedback.

First, describe the situation, then explain what happened, and imagine how it could have been improved for a better outcome.

“There’s no shame and no blame,” said Mark Fortier, president and founder of Fortier Public Relations. “That’s not the point. Instead, we show that we are confident that they can do better.”

James Rhee, author of “Red Helicopter — A Parable for Our Times: Lead Change With Kindness (Plus a Little Math)” (Harper One) said that “Good feedback is truthful and well-intended. If delivered and received well, it prevents waste, whether of time, money, energy or focus. Even more so, it can create a new asset that is increasingly in short supply — namely, trust, which is the foundation for sustainable growth.”

He suggested these guidelines:

DON’T:

• Only focus on positive feedback. Be interested in understanding and learning from the negative, too.

• Be afraid to ask for some time to process negative feedback before reconvening.

• Give feedback just to vent your own emotions. Remind yourself that the real goal is to teach, not to scold.

• Dredge up past failures that are not relevant.

• Demand something from your colleague that you, yourself, do not exemplify.

DO:

• Praise great results that came from a flawed process.

• Begin difficult conversations with open-ended questions that allow for a true dialogue.

• Treat the exchange as a fact-finding mission, whereby your colleague has the opportunity to become aware of the pending feedback.

• Remember that your direct report might one day be your manager.

• Remind yourself that this is about a job performance, not a personality or life assessment.

• Take a breath before responding to negative feedback.

• Write down the feedback so that you reread the words in a less fraught state of mind.
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