Here’s How to Make It Through the Super Bowl This Weekend
Wild speculation: Maybe, just maybe you’re going to be watching the Super Bowl on Sunday more for the halftime show—or maybe the commercials—or the sheer all-American camaraderie of it all than for the actual sport. That’s A-OK! But what happens when the kickoff is in the air, the ball is caught, the action starts, and you feel an urge to yell loudly: “Gooooo . . . somebody?!”
We’re here to help. Below, a handy cheat sheet to help you determine who to root for:
Who They Are
The Patriots: Officially they’re the New England Patriots, though they’re essentially a Boston team (“the Pats,” as their fans call them, usually inserting an expletive in between those two words).
The Eagles: They’re from Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. More on this in a bit, but they’re in the green uniforms.
What’s to Love
The Patriots: They’re a dynasty, with five Super Bowl victories already (including last year) and a 40-year-old quarterback you may have heard of, named Tom Brady. He’s more than just a pretty face and Gisele Bündchen’s husband—he’s also a two-time NFL MVP. A lot of people like the Patriots because they win. Bonus “acquired taste” round: The Pats have a tight end (yes) named Rob Gronkowski who’s become something of a lovable-bro avatar. Take him or leave him—but always refer to him as “Gronk.”
The Eagles: They’re the ultimate scrappy underdog, having never won a Super Bowl—think Rocky, with goal posts instead of meat lockers. And while it’s arguable that their franchise quarterback, Carson Wentz, was headed to be the NFL’s MVP this year, we’ll never know: Wentz tore his ACL in December and missed the rest of the season and the playoffs, so the Eagles will be led by backup quarterback Nick Foles. So maybe think Rocky Balboa going down hard in training and being replaced by his sparring partner.
What’s Not to Love
The Patriots: For one thing, they’ve been accused of cheating. Their grumpy, surly, scowling, hoodies-with-cutoff-sleeves-wearing coach Bill Belichick was fined for videotaping opponents to steal their game plans. And perhaps you’ve heard of Deflategate (in which Brady may or may not have had lackeys let air out of his footballs to provide a better grip, resulting in a four-game suspension)? And then there’s the fact that both Brady and Belichick, along with team owner Robert Kraft, are longtime friends of Donald Trump—though Brady’s been rather delicate in his responses lately when asked about it (and Bündchen flat-out denies it). Oddly, given the Trump connection, there’s also a Putin link: During a 2005 meeting with Putin in Russia, the Russian president asked Kraft if he could try on his Super Bowl ring (worth about $25,000). Kraft handed it over, Putin put in on and said, “I can kill someone with this ring,” and then pocketed the ring and left the room, surrounded by three KGB agents.
The Eagles: Their fans. Long notorious as the NFL’s (some would argue all of sports’) most goon-like—so much so that until fairly recently, their home stadium featured its own jail, complete with a judge. They marked their playoff win over Minnesota two weeks ago by throwing full cans of beer at a Vikings bus and fans outside the stadium. One Eagles fan actually punched a police horse. (Note: Eagles supporters sometimes refer to this as “passionate” fandom. We disagree.)
Celebrity Fans:
The Patriots:
Gisele Bündchen (duh)
Mindy Kaling
Aly Raisman
Lea Michele
Matt Damon
Mark Wahlberg
Elton John
The Eagles:
Tina Fey
Sofía Vergara Maria Bello
Bradley Cooper
Will Smith
Questlove
Handy Anti-Patriots Joke:
“Hey [insert name of Patriots fan here]: How do you win a Super Bowl without cheating?” Wait for barely a half-beat. “Oh, I forgot, you wouldn’t know—you’re a Patriots fan.”
Handy Anti-Eagles Joke:
“What does an Eagles fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?” “Turns off the PlayStation.”
Good luck out there. When all else fails, snacks are always a good idea.
