Style Sessions: Model Yasmin Geurts on Learning to Let Go of the Need for Control

"It’s Mental" is a series that aims to open up the conversation around mental health and fashion, including what it’s really like to work in the fashion industry and how clothing can be used as a means to cope and uplift. In this conversation, model Yasmin Geurts speaks to us about loss, anxiety, and how she learned to let go of constantly needing control.

During this past New York Fashion Week, model Yasmin Geurts noticed she was feeling anxious. So she put on an all-pink outfit, bought a bouquet of flowers, and borrowed a friend’s dog for an event. While some of the underlying anxiety was still there, she tells Teen Vogue over the phone, wearing that particular outfit helped her feel “strong” and more like the person she wanted to be in that moment: “I decided to dress the way that I wanted to feel.” Geurts, who is represented by Muse Model Management, has walked the runway for Kim Shui and Lou Dallas, modeled for brands like Forever21 and Elizabeth Suzann, and posed for glossies including V Magazine and Vogue Italia. She says style has always been an outlet for expressing her feelings.

Navigating the modeling world and fashion industry isn’t easy, and that’s especially true when you deal with anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder. But with the help of therapy, a supportive community, and hobbies like writing and dance classes, Geurts has found a way to navigate the industry while still taking good care of herself. That has meant establishing a more compassionate, less controlling relationship with her body and mind. “Eventually I realized that we aren't our bodies,” she says. “Whatever it is inside of me is me. And no one can ever change the way that looks because it doesn't have a look.”

We sit down with Geurts to talk about her earliest style memories, how her mood has impacted what she wears, and how she treats her body.

Teen Vogue: What are some of your earliest memories of style and challenges you had with your mental health?

Yasmin Geurts: I was raised by my grandmother and she was a great parent figure. But [there was one time] she was scolding me for something, and I started to feel really sad. It was one of the moments when I was coming to terms with the fact that I am a very sensitive person, but was unable to verbalize it.

So I was getting emotional, and I looked in the mirror and saw that I was wearing a head-to-toe Minnie Mouse ensemble. In my head, I said, “This outfit doesn't feel right for me and my current mood.” I ran upstairs and put on all black. Anytime I felt sad [after that], I would immediately go and change because it made me feel a lot better to dress in line with my mood. Eventually my grandmother got really sick with cancer, and I didn't know how to process those emotions, and I just segued into wearing all black until she passed.

TV: Can you talk a bit more about coming to terms with issues surrounding your mental health?

YG: When I was a child, I was really emotional and I internalized a lot and I got very quiet. I didn't really know how to deal with all of my heavy feelings. As I've gotten older, I’ve become someone who really cherishes communication, especially with the people I hold near and dear. Seeing a therapist about my trauma and feeling depressed and anxious [has helped]. When I’m feeling anxious about anything really, I hold the hand of the person who's with me. Hopefully it's someone who's close and I'll say, "I'm having anxiety right now." And immediately that makes me feel so much better. And I find that people are a lot more empathetic than we give them credit for, because we're all dealing with things.

TV: Before you were able to put words to those experiences, how did that manifest for you?

YG: I developed OCD and I struggled a lot with trichotillomania, when I had overwhelming feelings and would pull at my hair and twist it until it would hurt. A friend of my mother had told me that every time you lose an eyelash you could make a wish. So I was wishing for a couple of things. I really wanted a boy to like me back and I would wish for my grandma to get better. With my OCD it was about having control. [Pulling my hair] felt like an emotional release. As an adult I don't struggle with it as much anymore.

I still get urges [to pull my hair] when I'm really stressed, but I’ve taught myself how to do self-care instead of pulling it out. I’ll invest in a nice conditioner or have my hair deep conditioned. I choose to channel that [anxious energy] into self-love practices, like making my hair as pretty as I think I can. If I style my hair in a way that makes me feel really comfortable and pretty, then it gives me the same satisfaction as maybe pulling it out did when I was a little kid.

TV: How has your relationship with your hair changed over time?

YG: Lately, instead of caring about my hair looking really beautiful, as this is something I've just started phasing out, all of a sudden I've just come to terms with it being the way it wants to be and embracing not having control over it. It feels like this full circle of self-care. I still use nice products and deep condition, but I'm totally fine with going out and my hair is greasy. It doesn't bother me anymore. I think I’m just embracing life. Maybe that's something to do with being 25 now.

TV: In terms of your modeling career, how has this played a part in your journey?

YG: When I started modeling I had a lot more OCD about having control of my physical appearance. I just cared a lot more. I wanted things to be a particular way, which was funny because I wanted to have messy hair and look like I had just run through a forest. A big pinnacle in my growth was letting go, because as a model you don't have as much control of your appearance. People put makeup on you and do your hair, and you don't really have a say.

You have to become the image they're desiring. At first my heart would start shaking when they would comb the knots out of my hair or brush my eyebrows down so they weren't as bushy. But eventually I realized that we aren't our bodies. Whatever it is inside of me is me. And no one can ever change the way that looks because it doesn't have a look. That thing is the only thing that needs to be cherished and taken care of. Learning that, I gained so much freedom and had less stress; it was a breakthrough moment, and I’m really grateful for this job, and in a way, that feels unexpected.

TV: What were some of the things that helped you get to a more mindful place?

YG: I started seeking out therapy. I’ve been seeing therapists since I was a kid, and now I have a wonderful therapist with whom I have a special relationship. Whenever I'm feeling emotions that are too big for me to express with words, she always helps me. Also, always having hobbies that don't have anything to do with fashion. I'll take dance classes when I have time and that always allows me to let go of my mind for awhile, and I write every day. And I take acting classes, which also feel like therapy because they allow me to access the well of emotions inside of me.

TV: How have you seen this shift impact your personal style?

YG: I tend to dress louder now. There was a day during fashion week when I had a lot of anxiety, so I decided to dress the way that I wanted to feel. I wore this all-pink outfit, including a floral top and a pink skirt, and I bought a bouquet of flowers with me, and I asked my friend if I could babysit their dog. So I brought the dog [to this event], and I bought a matching pink shirt for the dog too. And I was like, "These are all the things that make me feel happy and light and confident. This is the person that I want to be right now." And sure, I still had anxiety when I walked into the event, but I felt so strong.

As a model, I always like to bring a little bit of who I am to the table, whether that means wearing a special accessory like a scrunchie or a necklace or some earrings I love, or, like, crazy sparkly shoes. It helps to have this security blanket with me, something that brings me joy.

TV: Do you have any recommendations for people who are just getting started with modeling or working in the industry and are dealing with similar internal challenges?

YG: It's important to know that you aren't alone in that. Maybe that's cliche to say, but I always have to remind myself that I'm not alone in my feelings. And surround yourself with people who will build you up and people that you trust. And also don’t get completely absorbed in the industry. Focus on the things that you love because taking care of those interrelationships with yourself will keep you grounded.

Originally Appeared on Teen Vogue