Struggling with fertility? 9 mental health tips to help you enjoy the holidays
The holiday season is traditionally a time for celebration: spending time with loved ones, eating home-cooked meals, sharing memories and dreaming about the new year ahead.
If you’re struggling with infertility, the holidays might be spent juxtaposing disappointing test results with your friends’ adorable family photos on social media. Festive pregnancy and birth announcements can sting. Opening the mail to find yet another holiday family photo may bring heartache about all the things you’re still longing for. With every painful reminder that your baby hasn’t yet made it into your arms, this can be the most emotionally challenging time of the year.
If you’re dreading the season instead of looking forward to it, know that you’re not alone. For anyone who is currently on a fertility journey and nervous about navigating the holidays, here are 9 helpful tips to help get you through the coming season with the unique stressors of infertility in mind.
Surviving the holidays amidst fertility challenges: 9 mental health tips
1. Reflect on your traditions
Holiday traditions that hold meaning for you can bring comfort and happiness, but keeping up with certain traditions can sometimes add more stress. Consider starting new traditions or even just changing it up this year. For example, if it will be too difficult to attend a large family gathering, opt to have a smaller and more selective get-together with loved ones you’re confident will be supportive of you as you go through fertility treatments.
2. Make time for yourself
Don’t get so caught up in the holiday hubbub that you forget to make time for yourself. Remember to check in and take stock of your stress levels. Take time to rejuvenate during the holidays by choosing activities that bring you enjoyment, relaxation or connection. This may be a great time to get that massage you’ve been dreaming of, go for a hike with friends, try a new winter recipe, or spend time enjoying a good book. Prioritize what fills your cup and set aside time to practice whatever form of self-care feels best to you.
3. Don’t compare lives
In a time where most of us are constantly connected through various apps and social media platforms, we are bombarded with a continuous stream of content. It can be easy to fall into the trap of assuming that what we’re seeing is someone’s reality.
The majority of photos, videos, and updates we’re scrolling through are highly curated posts that are meant to show only the best moments. It’s just a highlight reel. While it may look like the friend you follow is always taking relaxing vacations, they may actually be in the middle of a contentious divorce. The co-worker who just posted an over-the-top pregnancy announcement might have had multiple miscarriages in the last year. Try to remember that what you see on social media is only a fraction of someone’s reality. It’s never the full story.
4. Set healthy boundaries
A lot is expected of us during this busy time of year. Remember you don’t have to do it all, and that your health and happiness―not the expectations of friends and family―are most important. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a packed calendar full of events, take a moment to assess whether you need (or want) to bow out of any of these commitments. Those who love and support you will understand if you need to lighten your load a bit.
5. Plan ahead for difficult conversations
Most people have positive intentions but aren’t sure what to say in response to another person’s struggles with infertility. Some will offer unsolicited advice or ask invasive questions. Think about how you will address fertility-related topics if someone asks, and practice your responses so you aren’t caught off-guard in the moment. Some questions that might come up:
Are you currently in fertility treatment?
What happened during your last treatment cycle?
Do you know why you can’t get pregnant?
When is your next transfer, test or appointment?
Why don’t you just adopt?
If you do decide to attend a party, make an exit strategy in case any interactions become too difficult. Also, consider if there will be any pregnant relatives or friends at these events. Planning ahead and thinking about how these things might affect you will help you decide which holiday gatherings you want to attend, and which you might wish to skip.
6. Reach out for support
You may feel alone or feel like you’re the only one struggling to get pregnant, especially when holiday cards and letters start flooding in. Finding a community of fellow fertility patients can make all the difference. Reach out to your fertility clinic to see if they have any support groups (online or in-person) or can recommend other groups in your community.
Organizations like RESOLVE can point you to additional resources in your area. Social media platforms like Facebook also have fertility groups that you can join. It can be comforting to connect with others who understand what you are going through.
7. Do what feels right to you
There is no rulebook on how you should spend the holidays. Keep in mind that what might feel enjoyable to someone else might not feel right for you. It is important to find your own way as you navigate your fertility journey. Some find comfort in being around family members. Others might find more enjoyment planning time with a partner or close friend. Prioritize your own mental health when choosing who to be close to this time of year.
8. Don’t share unless you’re ready
If you’ve just gotten a positive pregnancy test after a loss, have an embryo transfer coming up, or simply aren’t sure what’s next on your fertility journey, remember that you don’t owe anyone (even close friends or family) any updates. Even well-meaning loved ones can sometimes push a little too hard for sensitive information―especially with added social engagements and gatherings this holiday season. You might feel pressured to share updates before you’re ready, but it’s more than OK to keep some things private.
9. Practice self-compassion
Holidays are notoriously popular for announcements like pregnancies and engagements. If a friend or family member shares that they are expecting a baby and you react strongly (feeling numb, unable to congratulate them, etc.), be gentle with yourself. You’re not a bad person for needing to step away for a minute to collect yourself. If you feel blindsided by someone’s big news, share your feelings with someone else you trust and allow yourself some time to process your reaction.
What you decide you need or want to do today doesn’t have to be forever, and you can always make adjustments as needed. As you go through fertility treatment, especially during this time of the year, try to keep the main focus on what’s best for you emotionally. Accept that it may mean shaking up seasonal traditions or routines. So plan ahead, set boundaries, speak up when you’re struggling, and do what feels right for you so that you can find your own joy while protecting your mental health during the holidays.
