If You Struggle With Jealousy In Relationships, Try Practicing Compersion
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Every relationship can happen upon its own set of issues that take some time to work through—and jealousy is a common one. While the green-eyed monster can get in between any set of partners, people engaging in non-monogamous relationship styles frequently have interventions in place to deal with it. For this reason, polyamorous relationships (or non-monogamous structures in which partners can have multiple romantic and/or sexual connections at the same time) definitely have a leg up when it comes to dealing with jealousy.
Compersion, a term coined by the polyamorous community, is a concept created to tackle feelings of jealousy and the effects they can have on a partnership. Generally, the community defines the concept as feeling happy that your partner is happy—even if with their other partners. Obviously, no single solution can be a one-size-fix-all for every relationship, but compersion has become a widely accepted pathway to peace for people in relationships that fall under the non-monogamy umbrella.
“Compersion is fairly new on the scene, so it might take some practice to find it in yourself, but let me assure you, it is in there somewhere,” says Dossie Easton, marriage and family therapist and co-author of The Ethical Slut. “A lot of us experience jealousy that we don't want, so compersion can offer a pathway to a better place.”
Meet the Experts:
Dossie Easton is a San Francisco-based marriage and family therapist and the co-author of The Ethical Slut.
Michelle Hy is a Portland-based polyamorous educator and content creator.
Angel Kalafatis-Russell, MS, CSE is a certified sex educator based in Jacksonville.
Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in New York.
While the idea may have originated in the poly community, compersion is a pretty universal concept that can be applied even to monogamous relationships—and seriously benefit those partnerships in many ways. Ahead, dating and relationship experts share everything to know about compersion, and how you can incorporate it in your own relationship.
What is compersion?
Confronting the jealousy you or your partner might be feeling in your relationship can be a super emotionally-charged process, and might not end well if it’s not handled with care. With compersion, polyamorous people especially have found a way to simplify that process and help those who feel jealous take ownership of their own emotions.
“Compersion is feeling happy when someone else is feeling happy,” says Michelle Hy, a polyamorous educator and content creator. “In non-monogamy, this generally refers to feeling happy when a partner is having a good time with another partner. However, it can be much more expansive than that and doesn't have to be a feeling you only get with your romantic partners.” For example, Hy says, you can feel compersion when a friend of yours has a nice moment with another person and you witness how happy it makes them.
Some non-monogamous folks consider compersion to be the antithesis of jealousy, because it encourages you to feel joy rather than negative emotions when your partner or another loved one is having an outside experience that brings them happiness. Most experts say that isn’t the case, though, because that idea limits the duality of human emotion.
“Sometimes, people define compersion as the opposite of jealousy, but I’m not a fan of that because you can definitely feel both at the same time,” explains certified sex educator Angel Kalafatis-Russell, MS, CSE. “Let’s say my best friend and I are up for the same job, and she gets it. I could totally be jealous that it wasn’t me and super happy for my friend at the same time.” So, it’s totally possible to feel jealous that your S.O.’s friends get some time with them during a Friday night out while you’re at home, but still feel happy that they’re getting that quality time to connect.
Why is compersion important in relationships?
If your partner has siblings, does it make you feel left out when they reference the inside jokes they share? Or if they have close childhood friends with whom they share a lot of memories that you weren’t a part of, does it make you wish you had that connection, too? Feeling jealous in situations like these is a valid and very human response, but the way you process and deal with those emotions is what counts—and what has the biggest impact on your relationship.
Although it’s easy enough to understand, sex and relationships expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT says that learning compersion isn’t always automatic. “It's super normal to struggle with feeling compersion because we grow up in and are programmed by a mononormative society that takes a lot of effort and energy to unlearn. It's hard to feel happy for someone when our old fight, flight, or fawn system is activated,” she explains.
This mononormativity—the idea that one single partner should provide your all-encompassing fulfillment—can create toxic cycles and habits in your partnership, especially when it comes to codependency, possessiveness, and even a triggered anxious attachment style. While it can be difficult at first, compersion provides a key response to those in the way of reframing your initial jerk reaction toward jealousy or insecurity.
“Compersion is helpful in balancing feelings of jealousy or envy,” Kalafatis-Russell shares. “If we’re feeling really happy for those we love, it softens the blow when we also feel a little left out, or wish we could have what they have.” Compersion can be a great way to tap into the love and appreciation you have for your S.O., and remind you of the ways that their happiness benefits you, too.
How can I practice compersion in a polyamorous relationship?
Like Hy says, people in polyamorous relationships view compersion as a reaction to seeing their partner feeling happy with and fulfilled by their other partners. If you’re non-monogamous, this would involve appreciating how happy your “metamours”—or your partner’s other partners—make your mutual partner.
Although compersion is both a concept created by polyamory and an important element of healthy poly relationships, it can still be difficult for any non-monogamous person. We’re all human, after all, and jealousy is a very human emotion! If you’re polyamorous and finding it tough to watch your partner feel fulfilled and happy by their other partners, especially in different ways than they might feel fulfilled with you, Easton recommends trying to foster good relationships with your metamours as a way to enhance feelings of compersion.
“That may be inviting someone out for a hike or a game of pool, or helping them move, or making chicken soup if they get sick. The point is to nurture a friendship that feels like family to all its members, while we acknowledge that we have a responsibility to support positive connections with our lovers' lovers,” she explains. Nurturing a positive connection with your metamours can help ease feelings of jealousy or insecurity in each of you.
Reminder: Jealousy is a completely natural feeling, even in non-monogamous relationship structures.
And even though you’re polyamorous, you don’t necessarily have to feel compersion all the time, Hy says. In fact, it’s totally possible to have a healthy and well-functioning poly dynamic without it. “Compersion is often put on a sort of pedestal, but it isn't at all necessary for healthy, sustainable non-monogamy,” she says. “Some people might experience it in some dynamics and not others, and there isn't anything automatically wrong with that. If you don't feel compersion, but you're still able to create safe containers for yourself and with your partners, you're doing great!”
What if I’m in a monogamous relationship, though?
If you’re monogamous and the thought of seeing someone else romantically fulfill your S.O. makes your skin crawl, that’s okay. Compersion can still benefit your relationship.
Many people can relate to having conflicting feelings about their partner having close friendships that they aren’t involved in, especially when they are with someone of the same sexual orientation. But unless there is a previously-expressed boundary being crossed, or if your partner is engaging in behaviors that they know make you feel uncomfortable, compersion can be a great concept to consider when feelings of insecurity and/or jealousy pop up for you.
“If you are struggling with the concept, you might want to think about the pleasure you feel witnessing someone you love enjoying a particularly wonderful flavor of ice cream, or a transcendent chocolate truffle. That might make it easier to notice your own feelings when you witness a lover's delight in something that isn't about you,” Easton shares. It’s okay—and healthy, in fact—for your partner to find fulfillment in things and people other than you. Putting the pressure on yourself or your S.O. to be each other’s everything is unfair, and can cause those codependent or possessive behaviors to arise.
Ultimately, the fact that you love your partner, want them to feel joy, and want them to have healthy and fulfilling relationships is crucial to keep in mind when you’re working through feelings of jealousy and trying to let compersion lead the way. To do that? “Remember that you love and care for the target of your compersion, and you do really want them to be happy,” Kalafatis-Russell says. “Actively celebrate the successes and joys of those you care about. You can resist the urge to compare yourself to others, because comparison is the thief of joy, and—most importantly—practice gratitude for what you have.”
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