Wouldn't our town be even cozier if we didn't have all these murders?
As your new mayor I'd like to change some things
Welcome, all! Thank you for making it to my inaugural town hall meeting as mayor of our cozy town. It was a hard election against my incumbent opponent, but ultimately, you chose the person with the better platform. However, before we talk about schools or traffic lights, I want to address an issue that you townspeople have ignored for far too long. I’m talking, of course, about all the murders.
I am genuinely baffled that a small town full of quaint shops with punny names and some of the best schools in the state (relatively speaking) would have such a problem with crime. When you take into account our population, we have more murders than big cities. I’m not sure why more of you aren’t concerned. You should be.
A large part of this town’s revenue comes from tourism and supplying picturesque filming locations. Nobody wants to keep coming to a place where they’re risking death.
It doesn’t matter how good the ice cream is at the Crazy Creamery. When someone falls face-first into their ice cream because someone laced it with cyanide, that’s what the people are going to tell their friends about. That’s what makes it into the Tripadvisor reviews. Our apple-picking season, a boon for local farmers and vendors, should be in the news because the pie contest is out of this world. That’s impossible when a tourist finds a pie judge’s body in the orchard with the prize-winning slice shoved down their throat. Do I doubt that baking contests can be stressful?
No, I do not.
I’m simply pointing out that the amount of drama and suspects that the pie contest produced, not to mention the revelation that the dead judge also sold drugs to minors, was ridiculous. Nor is it good for local business. We can’t even have something as casual as a knitting for a charity event without one of the knitters getting a needle shoved through her eye! Yes, our local detective/bakery owner solved the case. But do you think the National Knitting Association will be coming back? I think not.
And to answer your question, Gerdey, no, I don’t care if the slain knitter was cheating with a married man. No one deserves to get murdered here. Focus, please.
Listen, you all claim that the quality of life here is better than in the big city. It's friendlier. The cost of living is cheaper. Then tell me why every time someone new moves here, they get murdered or end up roped into the suspect pool. We’re very low on the “desirable places to move” list. I would hazard to guess that ALL THE MURDER is the reason why.
Forget about tourists or outside perception for a second. What about you? Are you happy here? Because I don’t know how you could be. A murder overshadows every event. Halloween, Valentine’s Day, the 4th of July, and every other holiday bring out the worst in someone. It’s weird. No one gets murdered in the privacy of their own home. It’s always at a public space or during an event. Last week the wedding between our town's favorite second grade teacher and handyman had death show up without an RSVP.
Many of you asked why I made having more mental health services part of my platform. It’s to help someone before they snap. I’ve read the police reports. We could avoid half the murders if we invested more in therapy. Am I crazy here? Wouldn’t you like a summer bake-off where the police don’t show up?
This brings me to my last point: Our criminal justice system is messy at best. There is a reason the police can’t sneak into your house and collect evidence to use against you without a permit. So why does the town have so many amateur sleuths running around and doing vigilante police work? I hate to tell you this, but if someone dating or related to a cop does something illegal to get proof against a suspect, the evidence will get thrown out of court. Stop shouting at me, I’m not on the side of criminals. We have to give everyone their due process.
Look, I don’t want to change the way you live or the character of this charming town. I’m only trying to ensure most of you all live to an old age. Statistically, many of you will not if things continue the way they are going. This is why I, your new mayor, want you to join me in turning a corner for the better. Let’s make the murders stop.
Before we continue, let us pause to enjoy some of the delicious treats provided by Blondie’s Brownies.
Oh, that’s a weird taste. Oh no. This is poison, isn’t it? What is wrong with you people? I just wanted to help you! Ugh.