Why Surviving Cancer Often Leads To The Best Time of Your Life
Embracing the fluidity of life brings benefits.
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Mary Shelley once wrote, “Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. The sun might shine, or the clouds might lour: but nothing could appear to me as it had done the day before.”
It speaks of Victor Frankenstein’s sudden shock when Elizabeth, his first love, dies on their wedding day, a victim of Victor’s creation going on a violent rampage. It sparks a series of events driven by guilt, rage and vengeance.
Shelley’s brilliant book Frankenstein, which many call the first science-fiction novel, speaks to the very real coping we through with major life changes. Conceptualizing and reconciling how these moments can transpire and how we’ll contend with them is no easy ask. The mere anticipation of them can induce anxiety and fear.
Yet you can benefit if you think about these moments from a perspective that embraces the fluidity of change.
These transitions are constant even if they seem abrupt
Psychologists have long referred to life’s continual change as liminality, the transition between two stages — often induced through major life events or rites of passage — and leading to a newfound identity. This transition can come with the passing of a loved one, a move to a new home, or even a new career. It can be deeply destabilizing, and the change can be felt long before it happens, and years after. Moreover, what feels like a red line in your life’s history often reaches deeper than you realize.
As a simple example, I now identify as a writer. But it didn’t happen immediately. I dabbled in writing while I still worked in finance. And even after I quit to do it full-time, I felt the lingering feelings of “being the financier” for many years after, thinking about everything from a money and cost-benefit perspective. Even today, I still feel a little voice inside of me saying, “What meetings do I have today?”
Just because we change our career name tag, doesn’t mean the old part of us dies instantly. The same applies to the people we lost.
At age 40, I’m transitioning into young middle age, and eventually will level up to another age bracket (“level up” is my positive framing for aging). Prior to this, I mistakenly thought age 40 was this doomed number, but being 39 was little different than being 40.
Life is fluid and always changing, and naturally transitioning us in and out of phases, while embedding each part of that journey within us.
How often do we deal with these setbacks?
Per a study by economist Dr. Nathan Kettlewell, we experience a major life event every six years or sooner on average. Some of the most common consequential negative events are defined as death, illness of a loved one, being fired, divorced, and being widowed. The most common positive events are being married, having children, reconciling with an estranged loved one, and gaining money.
It’s proven that the most difficult life experiences can often be sources of great meaning and growth. For example, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma when she was in her 40's, and given only a 50% chance of survival. It was a formative moment and she had to tell her teenage children about it, and that she may not make it.
Of course, you’d never wish this upon anyone. But the event also changed her perspective on life and relationships. It helped lead her to retire earlier than she thought (she’d been extremely ambitious and working long hours). She began traveling more and spending time with family.
Author and former White House Chief of Staff, Hamilton Jordan, reflected on his cancer diagnosis, in his memoir, No Such Thing as a Bad Day, “After my first cancer, even the smallest joys in life took on a special meaning — watching a beautiful sunset, a hug from my child, a laugh with Dorothy. That feeling has not diminished with time. After my second and third cancers, the simple joys of life were everywhere and boundless.”
Imagine living with this kind of appreciation for life — without having to contend with such mortal danger? Is it possible?
The science of optimizing change
Professor of psychology, Dr. Richard Glenn Tedeschi, at UNC Charlotte, has studied the concept of post-traumatic growth extensively, finding that doorways to new creativity, experiences, happiness, and relationships can happen in the wake of a terrible event.
For example, divorce was one of my worst life experiences, carrying a huge emotional toll and a level of uncertainty I’d never expected. But the years following my divorce were among my best, a period of discovery and possibility, giving me the opportunity to reassess what I wanted in life. It gave me time to think over what had gone wrong in my marriage, and how I could grow and learn from those mistakes. It led me to take up writing, exercise more, and build a new path forward. But only because I was deliberate about making something good from it.
Formative moments carry a giant reset button that you have the option to push. You know that life won’t be the same going forward without a loved one, or with a new injury or illness. It forces you to wipe the slate clean, because the old you just isn’t in the cards anymore.
Expect the change and embrace what comes after
I’d stress that major negative life changes are nothing to anticipate with optimism, or to usher in sooner for your own personal growth. The stress is real and the pain can be crushing.
I know that with the death of a loved one, being laid off, and my separation, there was a feeling of the world closing in around me, and me wondering of how I would function in this new reality.
And it can perpetually feel like that today. The world has fundamentally changed in the aftermath of the pandemic. Many industries are in states of flux, with jobs teetering between remote and in-house work. Wars and global instability abound. An outrageously contentious election is on the horizon, and ramping up anxiety with many Americans.
Just remember that all of this is yet another flashpoint in the liminality of life, a fluidness that can be both chaotic and heartbreaking, yet beautiful and transformative if we embrace it.
I know that just around the corner, either you, myself, or someone reading this will face a major setback in life, or phone call they weren’t hoping to get.
But I harbor a stubborn optimism that the other side of that change will offer something beautiful and useful to your life, be it appreciation, new love for what was lost, or the promise of positive change.
Decades ago, geology professor Sally Walker survived a plane crash that killed 83 people. She said, “When I got home, the sky was brighter, I paid attention to the texture of sidewalks. It was like being in a movie…everything is a gift.”
And perhaps the other lesson is, that we should see this present moment as that same gift, and aspire to appreciate it as if we’d survived that plane crash.
Remember that we are always approaching a milestone for better or worse, but these success and setbacks aren’t the be all end all, or even as abrupt as they might have seemed in the moment.
Even the most terrible losses aren’t a complete loss, and a new change doesn’t mean your old life is completely dead. It is as the ancient Persian poet wrote, “Do not grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
Just as the writer and financier in me, and my love for passed loved ones will never die, neither will the things that matter in your life, no matter how distant they might feel. They are often change agents in disguise, leading you to something better.
I'm a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.