Why Singles Should Beware of “Foodie Calls”
We should lead with authenticity and skip ulterior motives.
I was showing my dad the features on Tinder, as he casually looked at a woman’s profile that was presented. He is happily married to my mother, but was curious about all the craze.
“So swiping right means yes, and swiping left means no?” He said, inquisitively.
“Yup. That’s pretty much it.” I said, amused at his fascination. I let him try a few swipes, and watched as he became discerning all of a sudden.
He said, “Man. I would have loved this when we were at the Naval Academy (which was all men at the time). Also, Sean, you really need better pictures for your profile,” he said, handing me my phone back. He wasn’t wrong.
I’d tumbled into the single world in 2013, just after Tinder became mainstream. I’d long heard of dating apps with extreme and mixed reviews in all directions. But there was no denying that more and more couples cited them as their progenitor.
I went in with high hopes but was realistic. On some dates, we hit it off. On others, my date seemingly hated the mere sight of me. One woman gave one-word answers to every question I asked while looking down at the table, miserable. Our date dragged on for one long hour before I called it quits and asked for our check.
To be clear, most dates weren’t like this. But enough were that I began wondering, “Why even go on this date?”
Which brings us to a trend with many names, and that I call the “dinner digger” problem. It is born of the online dating era and isn’t unique to women, but generally consists of singles going on dates with hopes of a free meal.
And what might surprise you — there’s been many studies on the trend, and there are dangers one should watch out for.
Decoding the dating freeloader problem
A study in The Journal of Social Psychology and Science found that nearly 25% of women surveyed went on a date with an unpromising suitor in hopes of a free meal at least once. The researchers — Dr. Brian Collison and Dr. Trista Harig — dubbed these events, “foodie calls” as a practice and also, “sneating”, a combination of sneaky and eating.
Obviously, dinner digging isn’t good. In many ways, it’s the counter to the pickup artist, who pretends he’s interested in a relationship, only to bounce as soon as he beds a woman. In this case, she’s feigning interest to bag a meal.
Men have struck too. In 2019, stories emerged of a 45-year-old LA man who was deceiving women he met online, going out to eat with them — only to ditch them just prior to the check arrived. Per one woman, he ordered more than $100 worth of food before disappearing. The incidents led to his arrest and sentencing to 120 days in county jail, and included an order that he stay off Bumble or Plenty of Fish.
Of the people who did “foodie calls”, the average person among them had done it five times, with many saying they do these dates frequently.
Which is a bit perplexing on a personal level. As much as I love food, there are few things more demoralizing than a bad date. I either feel bad for spending the time and money with someone who wasn’t vibing or liking me, or I feel bad because I don’t like the person who liked me more.
Bad dates left me deflated and, after enough of them, made me want to quit dating.
Is it worth using a person?
Researchers found that the women who did do foodie calls tended to have more traditional views of gender roles. Women who weren’t as comfortable with a man paying weren’t as likely to indulge in such a scheme.
Yes, there’s still a cultural expectation that men should pay for the first date, with 77% of people saying it was appropriate. I actually have no problem with this and prefer to see it through a chivalrous view, right in line with offering to hold a door for a woman.
Naturally, I would have heartburn if I learned a date was milking me for free dinners. Sadly, I suspect it has happened in varying shades.
I had a first date with a woman, who ordered three glasses of a $25-per-glass wine, which felt a bit excessive given we were in our 20s, and that I’m not a professional athlete who showed up in a Lamborghini. The real heartburn came when she ghosted me after the date — that I paid for.
Regardless, I hope this is a reminder to both men and women seeing this, to carry themselves authentically, and not yank each other around in whichever convenient direction avails itself.
If it’s any consolation, the type of person who does foodie calls is not the person you want to be with anyway. They tend to score higher in the dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy). They may see these antics as acceptable forms of manipulation to get what they want and score low on empathy.
To those worrying about getting foodie called — I’d recommend scheduling your first dates for more casual settings. Make it a coffee date, or meet at a bar for a drink. It’s less pressure and expense, and risk that someone is farming you for free pasta.
The thing to takeaway
I’ve seen so much resentment among long-term singles, with both men and women. My hope is that people get as much value out of dating as I did. Even outside of meeting my partner and dealing with the frustrations and headaches dating always brings, I found the process rewarding and fun. You have to take the good with the bad.
Putting aside all notions of gender roles and equality — I wish people would just stop being jerks to each other. Stop treating one another as a free meal, as a quick fix for your sex drive, or as an emotional sponge in the wake of a breakup.
What bothers me is that I know that, just as with pickup artists, a good number of these dinner diggers don’t feel bad about what they’re doing. They see it as just part of their modus operandi, as all part of the game.
When we live in a society of free choices, there is always a way to get ahead by being unethical. I’d posit there are a few obvious and unspoken truths about dating.
One, you don’t owe anyone anything just because you went on a date with them. Two, you should actually be interested in the person you are seeing or at least curious to know more about them before agreeing to go.
Otherwise, you are just wasting the person’s time and, in this case, their money too. Stay cool and do the right thing, folks. The universe has a subtle way of punishing this type of bad energy.
If we want chivalry to remain, let’s not destroy it by feeding off of it.
I'm a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.