Using Kindness To Change Someone’s Mind
Avoid “othering” someone if you want them to hear you out.
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How do you change someone’s mind? How does someone believe what they believe in the first place? The answer to these questions is intertwined.
If you were to ask whether Joe Biden is a good president, the best predictor of someone’s answer is not what Joe Biden has or hasn’t done. It is the ideology of your recipient. And talking them out of that political position is the Mount Everest of argumentation.
Show them facts and they will question where you got them. Tell them you disagree and you risk angering them. Appeal to their logic and watch them feign ignorance. The scariest part is that when you have cold, hard, undeniable evidence — they often double down.
For example, my spouse and I lean left, and tend to think Biden has done a decent job — despite the painful display of his age and gaff-prone speeches. But if I were to argue all of Biden’s achievements with a steadfast republican — they’d likely be moot points because: the border, Hunter Biden, inflation etc. And in fairness, I’m sure this hypothetical republican would say the same of my receptiveness.
But even beyond politics, and perhaps in lighter arenas of dialogue, how can we better change someone’s mind? Kindness, and understanding the foundation of belief, are the key.
How people’s opinions became so embedded
Research shows that nearly every person shares at least two common values.
Harming others for no reason is bad.
Fairness is good.
We’ll call it a start. Yet as you move from this moral baseline, variance begins kicking in quite drastically.
Conservatives, for example, tend to value group loyalty, respect for authority, and purity (in terms of the body and sexuality), more than non-conservatives. Liberals tend to value individualism, free expression, and openness to new ideas.
These moral foundations shape all of our beliefs.
For example, I don’t get bothered by what people do with their bodies or if they wear clothes that are “appropriate” for their age or gender. In fact, I tend to get upset when I see people trying to police these things. I live by an abortion clinic that has protestors outside of it everyday. And I let their presence bother me more than it should. I suspect having a debate with any one of them wouldn’t make either of us happy.
Conversely, a conservative is more likely to be bothered by flag burning, as it undermines their value of respect for authority and, in their eyes, is deeply disrespectful to veterans.
We tend to get upset when another person fails to meet our own moral standards. And that’s where the misunderstandings begin and often snowball, especially with more charged issues.
The pro-life person might think I want babies to die, or that a pro-choice person is selfish and irresponsible. Meanwhile, I don’t view an early stage fetus as a baby, nor do I think people should legislate what a woman does with her body. When we both come in with these positions, words can feel useless.
And sadly, words are often worse than useless: arguing tends to harden people’s position over time, also called the boomerang effect. My conversation with the abortion protestor would likely end with me walking away more pro-choice, them feeling more empowered to keep protesting, and neither of us having learned anything.
But there’s a path forward.
How to make a better impression
A friend of mine is a finance manager who grew up a devout Mormon. He often tells me of his days on his mission. He said he and his fellow missionaries were well aware people groaned at their presence. He said, “There’s no such thing as being excited to see a missionary on your front porch.”
One thing they learned was to present their ideas as a gift, rather than a weapon. Moreover, it was better to offer your message with kindness, rather than sling it like a missile. People were far more receptive.
But even beyond opening kind, and with empathy, what more can be done to persuade? Here are four strategies that build on this kindness.
1. Avoid othering
People want to feel welcome and part of a group. Research shows that people who lash out violently towards their own community tend to have suffered social ostracization.
This isn’t to say an argument will result in this level of aggression, but more to show the spectrum of emotions that people feel when singled out. They often know when they aren’t a peer of the person they are talking with. Keep this in mind.
Sadly, I’ve had a front row seat to this as an online writer. Online arguments are more like trench warfare than an actual discussion, as opposing sides hurl insults, and petty characterizations and strawman arguments into the opposing trench. You need only look on X (Twitter), where political ideologues post viral dunks on the opposing team, and their reply section is filled with acolytes, showering praise upon them.
Dr. Dale Lugenhal described it well, saying that beliefs become “competitive personal contests rather than collaborative searches for the truth.”
This is not how you change minds.
2. Take rejection with grace
Your identity can easily be wrapped up in your opinions.
Think about how we describe someone’s beliefs. In fact, I just did it. I said, “Someone’s beliefs.” It implies ownership. And with ownership, we tend to get territorial and protective.
Remember that you exist outside of the things you believe. I’m not physically a writer, but I write for a living. I might lean left, but my left-leaning opinions aren’t who I am.
Unless someone claims to hate you because of your opinions, don’t assume it so. Remember that one can disagree vehemently over something without indicting your character over it. If you keep it cool and stay less defensive, they’ll be more inclined to do the same.
3. Spend more time listening
The problem with arguing is, generally, both sides are so eager to convince the other person they’re right, that they don’t ever listen to what the other person has to say.
Per studies at Yale and UC Berkeley, listening is far more powerful in changing someone’s mind than talking. In their trials, divisive arguments were compared to a nonjudgmental exchange of viewpoints combined with attentive listening. The latter was consistently more effective in persuasion and emotional impact.
Listening with empathy is disarming — in part because it feels so rare. It opens the doors for the other person to hear you out through reciprocity. Showing kindness helps break them free of their belief attachment.
It is as the Buddhist master, Thich Nhat Hanh preached and wrote, “I will cultivate openness, non-discrimination, and non-attachment to views in order to transform violence, fanaticism, and dogmatism in myself and in the world.”
4. Keep your points limited and ask questions
In the words of Dr. Adam Grant, professor at the Wharton School, and author of Think Again, the best debaters use a small number of key points. They don’t rapid-fire, shout, or clap in someone’s face while they talk. They ask questions. They know changing someone’s mind is difficult and that, by asking questions, that person will change their own mind.
Great arguers stay kind, calm and empathetic, no matter how ignorant or foolish their target is. They often open by acknowledging the things they agree on, which shows a desire for consensus, rather than condemnation.
The big idea is for both of you to walk away feeling you’ve evolved from the discussion. It’s difficult to stay kind and understanding in the face of foolishness, impulsivity, and aggression.
But if you can — you’ll be the real champion.
You’ll leave feeling proud of your actions rather than regretting them. Stay calm and kind, and don’t allow verbal abuse. If they can’t talk without shouting, it is time to end the discussion.
I'm a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.