Humor: Plan the perfect pity party
They won't enjoy themselves but they'll feel sorry for you which is the point
Sometimes you don't have anything fun to celebrate because everything in your life sucks. But that, in my opinion, deserves recognition as well. You know what they say, if you can't solve your first world problems, celebrate them! With the tips below and the willingness to make your friends uncomfortable, you can throw a pity party they'll remember forever.
Make invitations that set the tone.
It's not a party, not even a pity party, if you don't have any guests. Unfortunately, the unusualness of the event means you're going to have to strike a balance between excitement and despair to convey the tone from the outset. Think of how you will entice them to come for the balloons but stay for the guilt they would otherwise feel if they left you alone in your party hat.
Create a gift policy that works for you and no one else.
People will try to fill the hole in your life with things. Don't let them do this! Otherwise, they will feel they've done their part and that you have no right to their pity. You must inform your guests that no gifts are required. Not a single one. Why? Because you will buy yourself one present to put on the table before the guests arrive.
Throughout the evening, as your eyes drift sadly to the singular symbol of joy, everyone will whisper to one another, "Should I have brought something? Were we supposed to buy gifts?" Their uncertainty will feed on them all night, and they will overcompensate by staying and celebrating you—by which I mean giving you that sweet, sweet pity.
Prepare a refreshment table that stays on theme.
You're a sucker for themes, and the refreshment table should reflect that. A single bag of chips you didn't even bother to put in a bowl. A dry vegetable platter. A cake. But not just any cake. A complicated cake you were doomed to fail at making from the start. The point wasn't to create a delicious dessert. You needed the cake to be a focal point that clearly showed your failure, much like how you failed at most of your life's endeavors.
See how easily I segued there? That is how you do it at a top-tier pity party. Bonus points if the cake is leaning in a defeated manner, which allows for all kinds of lamentations that trap guests into awkward conversations.
Come up with games the whole party won't enjoy
The key here is to have fun, but not in the traditional sense. Tinge the event with sadness, but not in an obvious way, lest your guests tell you to get a grip and leave before they get through the first game.
Game 1: Pin the tail on the anxiety
No blindfolds for your guests here. Instead, you will write reasons why your life sucks on a large sheet of paper that takes up a whole wall. The players will awkwardly choose the anxiety that is causing you the most stress. Make sure you let them know that every option is an anxiety you experience, so everyone is a winner. Except for you, of course. You can never win.
Game 2: Escape the party
It's like an escape room! Lock the door and windows. Hide the key. That's it. If you can't leave your problems behind, no one can!
Game 3: Hit the Piñata until you feel something
Make a paper mache version of yourself to fill with little bottles of alcohol. Your guests will be uncomfortable hitting it, but tell them it's symbolizing how you feel beaten down by life. That forces them to listen to your complaints as they wait their turn to wack the miniature version of you with a stick. It helps that they will be able to drink the aforementioned liquor. Only buy the little booze that comes in plastic bottles. You don't want to get sued if people get cut with glass. Though that would add yet another reason for pity? Use your best judgment here.
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