Rejected princess movie pitches
Joan of Arc would probably be a bummer for the kids
The following emails are for educational purposes to train World Pictures Productions employees. Remember! Not every story can be a princess story. Your job is to let the writer's know why their princess film didn't make the cut.
From: Jenny@worldpictures.com
To: Archerlovesmovies@gmail.com
Subject: Notes on Joan of Arc script
Hello Ms. Archer,
Unfortunately, I had to pass on your script. Please don't hesitate to send more of your work in the future. But since you asked for notes, I am providing them below to help you in your next writing endeavor.
I loved the strong female character at the center of this story. Modern audiences will approve. We liked that she had a sidekick who helped her along the way, but we think that to appeal to a broader audience, we could replace the voice of God with a magical talking bird or horse. Really, anything cute that can translate easily into a stuffed animal would be acceptable. The voice of God is tough to sell in plushie form. Believe me, once the marketing department is excited, you're halfway to selling your script.
Something has to be done about the ending as well. Can one sing while suffocating on smoke? Is the true historical ending really necessary here? Perhaps the birds save her? Only I wonder if that is a little too Lord of the Rings.
Regards,
Jenny, assistant script reader for World Pictures
From: Jenny@worldpictures.com
To: Archerlovesmovies@gmail.com
Subject: Notes on the live-action Anastasia
Hi Miss Archer,
The more realistic version of the Romanov tragedy didn't sit well with me or anyone with whom I shared this script within the office. Not only is the subject material complicated (6-year-olds may not fully comprehend the factors that led to the Russian Revolution), but you've made everyone hate the royal family. Was this your intent?
If people in the movie don't love the princess, how will the audience? You are trying to make her a cool, rebellious girl, though the means of dyed hair and a devil-may-care attitude were pitiful attempts at character development. Kids today are smarter. They'll see through it and call her inauthentic, particularly when she tries to embrace the communist cause for all ten minutes near the movie's end in a move that proves too late.
It wasn't all bad. The clothing described is adorable and would be a hit around Halloween. Plus, most of the songs you've scribbled out are catchy. Although the final number, "Ricochet," taking place during the basement massacre, is in bad taste if you don't mind me saying. It seems weird to say, "Too soon," yet somehow it is.
Best,
Jenny, assistant script reader for World Pictures
From: Jenny@worldpictures.com
To: Archerlovesmovies@gmail.com
Subject: Notes on 1001 Nights of Stories and Mayhem
Good evening, Miss Archer,
I loved this story! The actions of deeply flawed characters lead to a kingdom on the verge of collapse. This is a good story with high stakes. However, I suggest that the more mature elements, like adultery, get watered down.
Speaking of mature material, maybe we can skip the deaths altogether? What if the king imprisons his brides? Or sends them out to the desert, where they form a secret society that Shahrazad later runs into while searching for new stories? These are just suggestions, but I would not mind seeing a rewrite of this into something that kids would enjoy.
Sincerely,
Jenny, assistant script reader for World Pictures
From: Jenny@worldpictures.com
To: Archerlovesmovies@gmail.com
Subject: Notes on Revenge on a Bad Stepmother, AKA The Juniper Tree
Miss Archer,
Dear lord! I know we don't treat all of our characters (particularly mothers) great in our fairy tale movies, but killing that stepson and feeding him to the father is just DARK. Then, having the same stepson come back to seek vengeance? This isn't the 1930s. Let's lighten it up a bit! I can't sell a dead ghost child as a park prince. I just can't.
Horrified,
Jenny, assistant script reader for World Pictures