Proverbs Updated for the Modern Dating World
When the going gets tough, the tough delete Tinder for a while.
Modern dating can be complicated, but thankfully, I'm here to offer you some classic words of wisdom, slightly adjusted to help navigate this new frontier. Feel free to embroider them onto a pillow.
Two wrongs don’t make me swipe right.
Better late than ghosted.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and it’s the only profile picture he’ll ever use.
Don’t count your lovers before you’ve matched.
A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will be something your parents ask about every time they call.
When the going gets tough, the tough delete Tinder for a while.
People who live in glass houses should...ask me out because it sounds like you could support my lifestyle.
Absence makes the heart remember it has commitment issues.
Keep your friends close and your friends with benefits at emotionally safe distances.
Don't judge a book by its cover but do judge a lover by their favorite book.
It takes a village to realize you’ve dated everyone in the village.
Good things come to those who can't wait to uncover the entire Google history of a dating app match.
If you play with fire, you’re going to get broken up with for safety reasons.
The best things in life are free because your date didn’t Venmo you for the seven glasses of wine you crushed.
Beauty is in the eye of the dating app algorithm.
When in Rome, do look for a hot Italian to do.
He who laughs last did not understand my joke fast enough, so it’s not going to work out.
Hope for the best but prepare for incompatible astrology signs.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t shame them for being thirsty.
Fortune favors the bold who text with the correct use of “you’re.”
A ship in the harbor is safe, but your ship is the reason I slid into your DMs.
All work and no play makes Jack another dull boy who still hasn’t texted me back.
A profile picture is worth a thousand questions about what year it was taken.
It takes two to tango but come on, man — don’t use a dance-lesson Groupon on the first date.
No man is an island, and that’s disappointing.
What goes around, comes around every few months to say “U up?”
If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad should at least agree to meet at a bar in the middle.
It is not whether you win or lose, it is how quickly you can get home after a date and put on sweatpants.
If at first you don’t succeed, tweet, and tweet about it again.
Where there’s a Will, there’s a way Will will almost be never saved as Will in your phone.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Freeze them because this isn’t looking so great.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, my therapist will be disappointed we didn’t work through this already.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is single, apples can go to hell.
One man’s junk is another woman’s screenshot to her friends.
Lie down with dogs, wake up with a good story, at least.
Sara K. Runnels is a seasoned humor writer, copywriter and writer-writer living in Seattle, WA. She is a regular contributor to The New Yorker & her sharp social commentary can be found, quite literally, all over the internet under @omgskr.