How I Live With Misophonia
Why it’s not as simple as, “Just ignore the noise.”
My friend Ryan was a great guy overall — funny, smart, loyal, and helpful when I needed advice. We were in our early 20s and became closer over the years as we worked together. But good lord, he drove me nuts if we were having a meal.
He waited until his mouth was entirely full to start talking. He slurped his drink loudly and smacked his lips while chewing. I’d sit there and quietly clinch my fist under the table to capture the tension, as my forehead sweated, feeling like I was about to start shouting.
In Ryan’s defense — this is a “me” problem. I have misophonia. People with this condition get triggered by noises and can be unreasonable in their psychological and physical response. His was the first case where I legitimately felt I was losing my cool. To be clear, he was being rude at the table. But I shouldn’t have been reacting so strongly. The problem is — my misophonia got worse as time went on. Even simple things were hard to ignore.
In my final corporate office, we shared a grid of cubicles. The office chairs that were bulk purchased all became more squeaky over time and I was in earshot of a dozen of them. There was an immediate cube neighbor, Matt, whose chair squeaked every 20 to 30 seconds as he leaned forward or back.
One day, I noticed I wasn’t even working anymore — but waiting for the next squeak. I sat staring blankly at my screen, ruminating on how much I hated the sound, and waiting for the next one. I tauntingly whispered to myself, “C'mon Matt. I know you’ll squeak again. You can’t help it.”
And it wasn’t even that loud of a squeak in hindsight. It was like a mouse squeaking in the distance in such a subtle way that you’d think it was a hearing test.
Eventually, I kept a bottle of WD-40 at my desk, and offered to oil the chairs near me. I said to Matt one day, as I oiled the joints on his chair, “Doesn’t this drive you nuts? How do you even work?”
Matt very plainly said, “Nope. I never even noticed. But thanks for the oil!”
My mind flooded with jealousy. I couldn’t fathom the extreme luxury of going through life entirely unbothered by sounds like this. It must be so tranquil and serene, like having a white sandy beach on the Virgin Islands all to yourself.
Misophonia can make you irrational and everyone has different triggers. Some noises, that drive other people bananas, don’t bother me at all. Dogs barking? No problem. I love dogs. Honking horns? No big deal. In fact, the ambiance of videos from India, and the perpetual honking can be oddly relaxing. Perhaps I became accustomed to it because I lived in the Philippines as a child. But other trivial things still grate on me.
For example, I was meeting with a bank agent a few months ago. As we sat with him reviewing my paperwork, he kept clicking his pen in and out. He talked while doing this clicking and eventually, I felt my face getting hot with agitation. All I heard was the clicking and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I interrupted him and said, “C-c-can you please stop clicking the pen? I can’t focus.”
And he looked down at his pen, perplexed, surprised, then smiled and said, “Sure! Sorry about that.”
“Thank you.”
What I hate about misophonia is that I allow something so innocuous to overtake my thought process and legitimately anger me. I’m generally a happy go-lucky person, and try to be nice to everyone. But this noise issue constantly threatens to ruin my mood.
It has led to disagreements between my partner and me. I can be unreasonably nitpicky about noise and she felt like she was having to walk on eggshells around me (another noise I’d probably hate). So I began learning to manage my reactions and dial it down at home. It has taken work.
The reason I can rattle off so many examples from my life, is because they are sort of enshrined in my Misophonic Hall Of Shame. Memory after memory is marred by those who chose to click, chew, squeak, pop, or talk on their speakerphone in perpetuity.
Where did it come from?
Though the condition is ancient, the term misophonia is relatively new, first introduced in 2001 by head and neck surgeon, Dr. Pawel Jastreboff.
Dr. Jastreboff learned of this condition while treating people for tinnitus (a ringing in the ears that won’t go away — which I also have). It was immediately evident in treatment of tinnitus patients, that some people were much more tolerant of the ringing than others. I struggled with my tinnitus for this exact reason. My audiologist had me place soft speakers under my pillow to play white noise. It drowned out the ringing and dialed down my negative thinking.
There’s a formative scene in the Brett Easton Ellis novel, American Psycho, where the main character, Patrick Bateman, finally begins having a mental breakdown. It happens when a coworker in his finance office reveals his latest business card design. Bateman stares at the card, quivering with rage, admiring the detail, knowing the exact specificity of the card’s font and gloss. He becomes utterly fixated, fuming that this man dare have a nicer business card. His fixation and thinking causes every other noise in the room to be drowned out.
Minus the violent impulses, this is how it can feel to have misophonia. You go into this battle in your mind where you promise you’ll ignore the noise and move on with your day. You think about happier thoughts, and wistfully remember better days from your childhood. You get lost in a memory, with you laying on your back, staring at the white clouds after having a picnic with friends. Only for the squeak of an office chair to tear that sky asunder, leaving you gritting your teeth with agitation.
A few tips for those who struggle
I’ve worked with my audiologist to help manage my symptoms. I generally blast white noise in my office when I’m writing. There are great free apps and YouTube channels out there. Gray noise is the most effective for me. Beware of blasting loud music — as that can worsen tinnitus for those who have it.
There are also fantastic ear plugs you can buy on Amazon. I use Hearos, but your mileage may vary depending on your ear shape. They are clutch for traveling on a plane, staying in a hotel, or being in any place where you have no control over the sound.
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and having powerful reactions to noises — consider seeing a specialist for this condition. It’s not healthy or normal to have outbursts with people over minor noises.
There are support groups based on region that you can join. I’ve been able to talk to other people with the condition, which has been comforting. We’ve been able to trade tips and it’s helped improve my reactions immensely. And for the record, I’m not nearly as bad as some who have it. One peer, Eric, will lose his temper with people and outright shout.
Lastly, try to depersonalize the noise. Remember that someone isn’t chewing loudly with the intent of harassing you. It’s a foul of neglect, not malice. Don’t let your thoughts pile up and amplify the agitation. Staying task focused can help avoid this. Misophonia tends to get worse if you are tired or in a bad mood, so stay cognizant of your overall state.
Manage the noise. Manage your emotions. Above all, try to stay cool and let the good times roll.
I'm a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.