Medieval Medicine 101 intro class
A mouse skull a day keeps the doctor away
Good morning, class! Now that morning prayers are done, we can start day one of this most important class. You've chosen to become a life-saving physician. You could do anything with your life. Amass insane wealth as a merchant. Travel the known and unknown world as an entertainer. Or settle down in your home village and do whatever your parents did. But no, you're here, ready to start down the path that will lead you to being medieval doctors. Today, I'll give an overview of the most important things you'll need to remember as you go forth to heal the sick.
1. Anything goes.
I mean it. Literally anything is possible when you do medicine right now. We know so little but claim to know so much. Do you want to put leeches on a girl's hand to cure a migraine? Try it. Extra mice in the store cupboard? Crush their little skulls to make a tincture that cures hair loss. Is someone having night terrors? Stick that mandrake under their bed while having them chew on chicken gizzards. There are literally no wrong answers because we don't have any answers when it comes to the human body beyond the fact that everyone is one of four humors. That's why the world needs you and your imagination to develop cures for every ailment imaginable.
2. Learn from your mistakes.
Not every cure is going to work. Mistakes are just as important as successes in the grand scheme of things. Mistakes are how we found out that rhubarb leaves are very poisonous and not a cure for diarrhea. We note it, and continue to improve. Don't feel guilty and think of that person as a patient you killed. Think of them as people who sacrificed their lives for the rest of humanity. Say, "Thank you, Geoff, for giving your body to medical research." Also, dead men don't sue, so let's move on, shall we?
3. Remember, the greatest healer of all is God.
It's important as a doctor to be confident but not cocky, for there is no healer than the great Lord above. He watches over our efforts as you might watch over ants struggling to build their homes. This is why no matter what cure you use, you must instruct your patients and their families to pray. Otherwise, you might as well throw that cup of horse urine away since horse urine without prayer is useless.
God also knows best. It's hard to say this to families, but sometimes God wants their loved ones to die, for some sin or slight against the Bible. Those who don't live by the gospel can't be cured, no matter how many buckets of rabbit blood you rub upon their body.
4. When in doubt, blame a witch.
When the going gets tough the tough get out of town before the villagers turn against them. For no fault of your own, ignorant non-doctors might blame you for the increasing illness or death of a loved one. Now it's time to learn the most important lesson our institution can instill in you: finding a scapegoat will make your job easier. An old widow who talks too much or a pretty lass the other girls are jealous of are two good options. And who knows? They might have been witches! By burning them to cover up your blunder, you've just saved many people's lives. Go you!
That's it for today. Spend some time in the library pouring over the illuminated copy of herbs and their uses. Next week, we'll cover how to use a vole's bladder to solve the frigid housewife problem.