Disney Movies Updated for Thirtysomething Single Women
Each film is rated PG-13 (requiring 13 glasses of Pinot Grigio)
Everyone loves a classic.
But it's time for a little spinster spin on some old favorites. Join these strong, independent, modern princesses as they traverse the thirtysomething trenches!
The Little Mermaid
Ariel goes to one speed-dating event and immediately opts to stay under the sea where the people aren't.
Frozen
After seeing how many guys on Bumble are 45 and "not sure" if they want children, Elsa must travel through treacherous elements to the nearest fertility clinic to freeze her eggs. Should she just...let it go?
Sleeping Beauty
Aurora sleeps well every night thanks to CBD gummies and knowing absolutely no one is cheating on her.
Peter Pan
Based on the true story of countless generations of women, Wendy is the only female in a group of needy, lost boys who refuse to grow up.
Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs
The Fairest of Them All seems to only end up on dates with men who lie about their height on Tinder.
101 Dalmatians
Anita begins adopting rescue pups every time she has an awful interaction with a suitor and now lives on a sprawling dog farm.
The Rescuers Down Under
A courageous tale of one woman’s gynecologist, her bikini waxer and a package of Summer’s Eve Lavender Chamomile Cleansing Cloths.
Lady and the Tramp
A lady quits dating apps for good after her last date insisted they share a single plate of spaghetti behind a dumpster in a dark alley.
Hercules
This hungry homebody orders dinner from the same Greek diner every night, hoping the buff delivery guy, Hercules, will fall in love with her without ever having to leave her studio apartment.
The Jungle Book
A single broad jets off to the jungles of India to “find herself," then writes about her self-discovery in a memoir titled, "The Bare Necessities," which sells 13 million copies.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Cursed from years hunched over her phone swiping for a soulmate, a French woman sets out on a quasi-spiritual journey to fix her posture.
Tangled
Rapunzel would date more often, but making TikToks about how to meticulously oil your scalp for stunning hair growth is somehow more satisfying.
Bolt
A woman routinely bolts out of first dates the second she is posed with the question: "So....what's your favorite color?"
Brave
Merida is 39 and completely committed to wearing Forever 21.
Toy Story
Andi’s sex toys, aptly named Buzz and Woody, come to life and plot to find Andi a human lover, but discover they are too old and worn out for such a task.
Oliver & Company
A New York woman falls in love with a charming man named Oliver, whom she later discovers, thanks to a vigilant Facebook group, has nine other lovers.
The Princess and the Frog
After years of unsuccessful relationships, Tiana breaks down and kisses a random frog, hoping it will turn into a handsome prince — and it does! But he's "not looking for anything serious right now."
Cinderella
While all the young things are out having a ball, an older woman happily stays home with her magic wand.
Sara K. Runnels is a seasoned humor writer, copywriter and writer-writer living in Seattle, WA. She is a regular contributor to The New Yorker & her sharp social commentary can be found, quite literally, all over the internet under @omgskr.