50 of the funniest, realest tweets about dating & being single
All by one woman who, for years, single-handedly captured modern dating in 280 characters or less
As I sifted through years of tweets about dating and being single, I couldn't help but wonder...should I put these all on display at my wedding?
One of the patented side effects of dating in the last decade is that it's relatively easy (and almost necessary!) to share your hot takes with other singles who might find your experiences wildly relatable. (Forget commiserating, this is commiser-dating!) Dating apps in general and their breadth of results are, quite effortlessly, a very funny hotbed for content. Instead of rolling my eyes at it all, I rolled onto Twitter and posted my subjectively clever, astute observations, hoping to make singles feel seen while probably scaring potential suitors away in the process. (Boy, bye!)
Here are 50 of my favorite tweets that sum it all up!
I stopped telling friends about all my first dates because weeks later they’ll be like, “how is Joe?” or “what’s up with Nick?” or “when do we see Kevin again?” and I’m like, I have no fucking clue who any of those men are except maybe the Jonas brothers
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) February 4, 2020
How is dating not an official sport?!
You have: matches, players, strategy, competition, balls, goals, pros, amateurs, penalties, scoring, spectators, losers, game-time decisions, leagues, alternates, physical effort, protective gear—& if you win the championship, you get a ring— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 26, 2020
When you finally come across a guy on a dating app who’s not into hiking, it’s like, 𝒽𝒾 𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) March 3, 2021
A dating app categorized like Netflix
New Releases (newly single)
Trending Now (top hotties)
Originals (available exclusively)
Docs (doctors)
Action (DTF)
Horror (likely to ghost)
Family (DILFs)
Mystery (no pics, no bio)
Because You Liked Him (recommendations similar to Kyle)— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) March 19, 2021
When people ask what dating apps are like I say have you ever seen a cute little raccoon rummaging through the garbage
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 16, 2021
The gospel My dating app
of jesus christ notifications
🤝
Messages from Matthew, Mark,
Luke and John— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 22, 2021
Advent My love
calendar life
🤝
A bunch of dates filled with
weird little surprises— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) December 2, 2021
Dating me is like writing a will—you should definitely do it before you die
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) October 13, 2021
After years of being single, swiping through thousands of dating profiles, going on hundreds of dates, wondering when I'd find the person I couldn't live without, I’d like to officially announce: I am still doing all of this
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 21, 2022
A dating app called Here You Go that just has one user on it who is perfect for me
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 17, 2022
Calling dates “appointments” so instead of saying “I’m on my way to this date,” I can more accurately say “I’m on my way to dis appointment”
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) August 26, 2022
I love the term “intentional dating” because it implies what I’ve been doing all these years is dating by mistake and that’s accurate
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 10, 2023
🎶In 12 minutes of swiping, my dating apps gave to me:
12 blurry selfies
11 headless torsos
10 random mountains
9 empty bios
8 quotes from The Office
7 naive nieces
6 million fuckboys
5 oooold flames
4 Dateline suspects
3 future exes
2 seeking a third
& a dead fish in every pic🎶— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) December 13, 2022
A dating reality show where everyone is over 35, in therapy & tired of all the games called “Enough Already!”
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) October 27, 2022
I know dating apps aren’t “games” but I think you should earn little coins every time you avoid a trap or dodge a bad guy or unlock a new level
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 21, 2022
Dating is just being funny, charming & adorable for 2.5 hours, then waiting to see if it worked
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 3, 2022
I’m not “single and dating,” I’m the Head of Strategic Partnerships
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) April 30, 2022
When I recycle the same jokes to all my dating app matches pic.twitter.com/UbanP8syF1
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) March 29, 2022
Lengthy true- Getting on a
crime shows dating app
🤝
Taking way too long to just identify
the boyfriend or husband— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) March 4, 2022
It’s fine when dating apps add labels to profiles that say NEW HERE! and JUST JOINED! but it’s messed up that mine say STILL HERE and FOUNDING FATHER
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 6, 2022
When a dating app shows me someone who’s just visiting for the weekend pic.twitter.com/k883c4S2qs
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) August 29, 2021
It's taboo to bring up politics, religion, sex and dating history on a first date, but those are my favorite things to talk about so please come prepared
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) August 13, 2021
Two possible outcomes after meeting someone from a dating app:
- This date could’ve been an email.
- This e-male found me well.— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 28, 2022
If your dating profile says “looking for a partner in crime,” please specify if you want to watch murder documentaries with me or end up in prison together
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) February 12, 2021
“How do you have the energy to be on so many dating apps?” pic.twitter.com/ApQa1DrVcB
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) February 11, 2021
Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Every Man’s Dating App Profile, starring me alone in my apartment every night, starting at 8/7c
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 25, 2021
Hot guy on a dating app:
Hi! I’m seeking casual sex in exchange for 8% of my time
The Shark:
While I’d likely invest in this product on the packaging alone, your pitch was weak & the business model doesn’t seem scalable, especially during a pandemic. For those reasons, I am out— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 15, 2021
My favorite dating site pic.twitter.com/h9hGxJl3kE
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) September 2, 2018
Dating apps “wrapped” would be like
- you swiped left 100,000x
- you swiped right 25x
- you shut the app in disgust a lot
- you took 800 screenshots of comically bad profiles
- you saw 50,000 unsolicited fish pics
- you successfully eliminated every single man in a 90-mile radius— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) November 30, 2022
If I ever “soft launch” a boyfriend, it will be directly into space
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) October 3, 2022
I’m not picky about who I date, you just have to be more exciting than sitting alone with my phone
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) September 7, 2022
I love everything about a first date—the sheer thrill of possibility, the story in the making, the rounds of cocktails & the getting-to-know-you banter, but nothing compares to that super-sweet moment when he goes pee & I can look at my phone again
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) August 16, 2022
Waiting to see a man catch a fish so I can stop him before he puts it on his dating profile pic.twitter.com/eDafXgXrw0
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) August 23, 2021
“One day you’ll go on your last first date” ok is that a threat
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) December 8, 2021
A man shouldn’t pay for all my drinks on a first date simply because he’s a man; he should pay for them because that’s a small price for several hours of original jokes, entertaining stories, an exclusive Q&A sesh & the possibility of me charming his pants off
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 26, 2021
Me after most Me after putting
first dates on gym clothes
🤝
Glad we did this, but we’re
not gonna work out— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 28, 2021
I always dress like I’m attending a funeral on a first date, just in case
- He dies of laughter
- I take his breath away
- I have to make a grave decision
- I need to mourn the loss of 2 hours— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 11, 2021
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 8, 2023
Instead of ghosting me, just simply say “I don’t think I can keep up with your astounding wit or alcohol tolerance, but thank you for the exclusive opportunity to try.”
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) April 12, 2022
Calling yourself “single”
- cliché
- outdated
- vague
- does nothing for your resumé
Calling yourself a “casting director”
- creative
- professional af
- qualified to judge performance & skill
- prospects audition for you & only the most talented move forward— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 19, 2020
Me: am I the only single person at this party?
Friend: no there’s a baby here too— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) May 28, 2021
I’m single because I’ve watched enough true-crime shows to know it’s safer to stay home and send memes about being single to your friends
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) April 2, 2022
A long holiday weekend? If I wanted to get excited about something and then watch it disappear in 3 days, I’d just go on a date
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) July 2, 2021
My date: so what do you do for fun?
Me: mostly put myself in situations where I have to keep answering this question— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) April 21, 2022
Every guy’s Bumble profile is like:
📏 casual height
🎓 casually educated
🐾 casual pet owner
🙏 casually nonreligious
🏛 casually liberal
🍷 casual drinker
🌌 casual Taurus
🔍 casually looking for something casual
🍼 wants kids, casually— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) November 14, 2020
TurboTax: What did you pay last year?
Me: Attention to all the wrong men
TurboTax: pic.twitter.com/mkWbs4ISyM— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) February 19, 2020
Dressing up as a fish for Halloween so men on dating apps have the unrelenting urge to hold me
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) September 23, 2022
“One day you’ll go on your last first date” ok is that a threat
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) December 8, 2021
Wedding officiant:
For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor him and keep him, and to finally save his number in your phone?— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) January 28, 2020
Ugh, he is breadcrumbing me but I love carbs
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) September 11, 2021
Just a reminder that actively trying to find a partner and being disappointed with dating options doesn’t mean “single life sucks.” All of these things can be true at once:
- I want to fall in love
- I think dating apps are comically bleak
- I am fulfilled being single— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) February 6, 2022
Oh, you want me to stop tweeting about dating all the time?! Marry me then
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) February 5, 2022
Sara K. Runnels is a seasoned humor writer, copywriter and writer-writer living in Seattle, WA. She is a regular contributor to The New Yorker & her sharp social commentary can be found, quite literally, all over the internet under @omgskr.
