Why am I looking Paul Ryan pointing at a television on my television? What did I do to deserve this? I'm just trying to live a quiet life comprised of shady resistance and actively being emotionally destroyed by This Is Us on a weekly basis. Why am I looking at a PowerPoint?
This looks like a Middle School Social Studies class. This is terrible. There are no GIFs. How am I supposed to understand this?
Paul Ryan, with his sleeves rolled up and his dogged determination to make us look at something that we have no interest in seeing, looks like that teacher that you thought was kind of cute in 6th grade but now you're in 8th grade and you've put childish things behind you. But your best friend, Cool Aparna, still makes fun of you for your crush.
"I was a fool!" you protest. And she counters, "You made a vision board that said 'Dr. Mrs. Paul Ryan, Esq.' That's not even how honorifics work." To which you respond, "Whatever, I'm still a doctor and a lawyer. In my vision."
This whole thing is awkward and it makes my heart hurt, which is not great because I chose an iPhone over insurance. My primary care physician is the comments section on an article called "Are You Dying?"
Suffice it to say, I don't have the energy for props. What is this a magic show? We have to stop letting politicians use props. The only person who should be using props is CarrotTop. This is a hill I'm willing to die on.
(It's a large hill, not like this other hill, which is a small hill.)
I thought we'd reached peak politician prop comedy when Spicer showed up with two different sized stacks of paper like he was Grover on Sesame Street giving a lecture on perspective.
Honestly, if politicians want us to understand something, they need to leave the props at home and just hire Muppets or cartoons.
Here's a 90-second version of the Spicer press conference:
Do you get it now, American public?
Why is this happening? Why are we looking a props? Why does this administration insist on showing me stacks of paper all the time?
Do you think I'm a time-traveling visitor from a future dystopia where all the trees are gone (circa 2021)? Is that why this is happening? Do you think a stack of paper is impressive? Unless you're going to use that paper to smash a watermelon like Gallagher, I'm bored.
And this isn't just a partisan thing. Alternative Universe Bae Bernie Sanders is just as guilty of this as the rest of them.
Bernie Sanders lives in that K Street FedEx Kinkos, showing up with a picture on his phone like "Make this as big as you can! I'm furious!"
When you see Bernie Sanders walking through D.C. with a piece of 30x40 foamcore tucked under his arm you just know he's humming the Law & Order theme song and channeling Angie Harmon. He's pumping himself up like "People are going to fall out of their seats when they see this poster!"
Hate to break it to you, but no they're not! Most people spend most of their lives trying to avoid looking at educational posters and PowerPoints.
"You coming to the training at 3 p.m.?"
"Err, I got wind that someone would be illustrating fluctuations on a graph with a laser pointer and that gives me hives."
Unless you are Amy Adams in Arrival using an Etch-a-Sketch to "My Fair Lady" a couple of mollusks, I give no props to your props.
But if you are a politician, please step away from the large scale printer, roll down your sleeves and, if you really need to explain something to me, call a Muppet.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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