6 ~Healthy~ Ways to Deal With Jealousy in a Relationship
Hello, and welcome to my Ted Talk: I’m here to tell you that jealousy in a relationship is totally normal…ish. Wondering who your S.O. is Snapchatting? Totally fair. Accusing them of cheating because you saw a figure that resembled their ex on their SnapChat? Absolutely not. TL;DR: There’s a totally right way and a totally wrong way to address jealousy in a relationship.
Robert L. Leahy, PhD, author of The Jealousy Cure, says that jealousy exists everywhere—even your pup can feel it. "It will be part of your relationship at times and if you deny it, you’re not going to be able to cope with it very well,” he says.
So if you feel an immediate pang of insecurity when you see a fellow hot person check out your S.O. as if you’re *literally* not right beside them, here are the seven ways to control that lil green monster healthily, according to Leahy.
1. Be supportive of each other's feelings.
If you can admit that jealousy is natural, it's equally important that your S.O. can too. The last thing you need is someone lashing out at you the moment you ask them to quickly text you if they stay out late. “When you’re in a committed relationship, you sacrifice some freedom," says Leahy. "You have some responsibility for how the other person feels.”
FWIW: Some of the terrible ways to deal with a jealous partner are telling them: "It's your problem!" or "I haven't done anything!"
"What works is comfort, and if you think of jealousy as a way of crying out, a response to that can be validation, saying ‘I understand where you’re coming from.’” You have to be down to listen to ways you can make your partner feel more at ease, and then decide if their requests are doable. And you should expect nothing less in return.
2. Know that jealousy (in small doses) is actually a good sign.
Jealousy doesn't just happen without reason. Often times, it's about more than your partner liking their ex's bikini pic. “When you first start dating someone, you don’t have that much investment or that much to lose," says Leahy. "As the relationship progresses and you become more connected, you’re more likely to feel jealousy in the relationship. The partner is jealous because this relationship matters."
If you're committed to this person at all, you will have bursts of jealousy, no matter how chill or rational you want to be. But that's a good thing, because it means you care about the relationship working. Recognizing and accepting that this is normal and moving on is so much healthier than beating yourself up over it or pretending it never happens.
3. Set aside jealousy time.
If you're feeling overwhelming jealousy toward your partner's attractive desk mate or ex-girlfriend (and you know you 1000 percent have nothing to worry about), there are exercises you can do to deal with it.
"'Jealousy time' is an appointment the person makes with their jealous thoughts," says Leahy. "If you have a jealous thought at 10 a.m., you write it down and then put it off until jealousy time."
Basically, you spend 20 very self-aware minutes letting yourself fully concentrate on your feelings, and then you move on. "By the time you get to jealousy time, you are either no longer that concerned or it is the same thought you have had numerous times," he adds.
And if you want to go a step further, you can do what Dr. Leahy refers to as the "boredom technique" – repeating a thought such as "my partner could cheat on me" over and over again for 10 minutes until you're literally bored with it. (Again, this really only works if you're confident that your partner's loyal and there's no real basis to your feelings).
4. Lower your expectations.
If you believe that it's wrong for your partner to never be attracted to anyone else, you may have to check your core beliefs, advises Leahy. It's completely natural to find other people attractive, but it's not okay to act upon that attraction or do something about it. "The rules people may have can make them more prone to jealousy,” says Leahy. If you have highly romanticized ideals for your S.O., you up the chances of you getting jealous by, like, a lot.
5. Reevaluate toxic habits.
The very actions you think will reassure you (like interrogating your partner, checking their phone, stalking their ex on social media) will make you more anxious if you never actually find anything. “These coping strategies drive the very person you’re trying to connect to away,” says Dr. Leahy. And while he acknowledges that, yes, sometimes your partner is a liar and you'd never learn about the cheating any other way than glancing at their Facebook messages, you still have to make sure surveillance doesn't become an actual habit that slowly takes over your life.
6. Know that betrayal will not end you.
“Research shows that people who fear they’ll have no alternative if the relationship broke up are far more likely to be jealous,” says Dr. Leahy. Codependency makes this relationship something that cannot fail in your mind, so you're more likely to ruminate and obsess over any perceived threats.
Jealousy can help you realize how much a partner matters to you, or help you pick up on potential red flags. What it cannot do is full-on prevent your partner from sending flirty DMs or cheating on you with a coworker. All you can do is your best in communicating your worries and making sure your jealousy isn't consuming you. Everything else, you can't control – but you can definitely survive.
You Might Also Like
