Steps to Stop Self-Loathing
Medically reviewed by Geralyn Dexter, PhD
Self-loathing means you have very strong feelings of dislike for yourself.
Self-loathing is related to self-esteem. Everyone feels a lack of confidence sometimes, but people with healthy self-esteem generally feel good about themselves and value their achievements. People with low self-esteem often feel unsatisfied or unhappy with themselves.
This article will discuss reasons people feel self-loathing, examples of self-loathing communication and behavior, risks of ongoing self-loathing, how to stop self-loathing and intrusive thoughts, how to support someone who is going through self-loathing, and some tips and reminders for going from self-loathing to self-loving.
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Examples of Self-Loathing Behavior
A person with self-loathing may:
Be extremely critical of themselves
Downplay or ignore their positive qualities
Feel they are inferior to their peers
Describe themselves with negative words
Engage in negative, critical, or self-blaming self-talk
Tend to blame themselves when things go wrong instead of considering other factors, such as the actions of others or things they have no control over
Credit luck instead of themselves for their achievements
Not believe a person who pays them a compliment
Joke about themselves in a negative way
Think they don't deserve to have fun
Feel inhibited, tense, and insecure in social interactions
Avoid challenges out of fear of failure
Get overly upset about criticism or disappointment
Feel sad, ashamed, angry, depressed, anxious, or worthless
How to Stop Self-Loathing and Intrusive Thoughts
Some ways to improve your self-image and self-esteem may include:
Practice positive self-talk: Say positive things about yourself to yourself.
Avoid defining yourself by your flaws or mistakes: Flaws and mistakes are things you have and do, not who you are.
Accept compliments: Don't argue or doubt it when people say nice things about you.
Challenge negative self-talk: When you find yourself criticizing yourself, look for objective evidence that the criticism is valid (enlist a trusted friend for their opinion if you feel you can't be objective).
Acknowledge the positive: Don't dismiss your achievements or ignore your positive traits.
Appreciate your good qualities: Remind yourself about the things that are good about you, every day. Try making a list you can refer to (ask a trusted friend to help if you have trouble thinking of things).
Let go of the past: Concentrate on the present rather than dwelling on old disappointments and pain.
Practice affirmations: Tell yourself a positive message every day, or buy a set of "inspirational cards" and look at one at the beginning of each day.
Prioritize having fun: Regularly schedule activities and events you enjoy.
Move your body: Exercise is a mood booster.
Be assertive: Be direct and honest. Communicate your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs, and opinions.
Make it a habit: Practice your steps toward building self-esteem every day.
Celebrate small wins: Congratulate yourself on your achievements, even small ones.
Focus on things you can change: Don't worry about the things you can't.
Stop striving for perfection: Perfection is unattainable for anyone.
Enjoy company: Surround yourself with people who build you up, not bring you down.
Volunteer: Helping others can help you feel better about yourself.
Talk it out: Talk to a trusted friend or loved one.
Educate yourself: Read books on self-development or take a course in personal development.
Get professional help: Talk to a mental health professional. They can provide approaches such as counseling, mindfulness training, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Medications That Could Help
If you are living with a mental health condition that affects your self-esteem, your healthcare provider or mental health professional may recommend medications such as:
Serotonin and noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs): Effexor XR (venlafaxine), Cymbalta (duloxetine), Pristiq (desvenlafaxine), Fetzima (levomilnacipran)
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs): Prozac (fluoxetine), Celexa (citalopram), Lexapro (escitalopram), Luvox (fluvoxamine), Paxil (paroxetine), Zoloft (sertraline)
Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs): Elavil (amitriptyline), Anafranil (clomipramine), Pamelor (nortriptyline), Norpramin (desipramine), Tofranil (imipramine)
Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs): Parnate (tranylcypromine), Nardil (phenelzine), Marplan (isocarboxazid)
Supporting Someone Who Is Feeling Self-Loathing
If you have a friend or loved one who has low self-esteem, some ways you can help include:
Give them positive feedback: Tell them what you like about them and highlight their strengths, accomplishments, and assets.
Listen to them: Give them your complete attention when they talk, and let them know their opinions and concerns matter to you.
Get them involved: Encourage them to get involved with others and engage in activities and events.
Offer encouragement: Applaud successes and attempts (even those that aren't successful).
Express your care and concern: Tell them how much you value them and how glad you are they are in your life.
Laugh with them: Help them find humor, even in mistakes (when appropriate). Laugh with them, not at them.
From Self-Loathing to Self-Loving: Tips and Reminders
Remember that having low self-esteem does not make you a bad person or unworthy of love. Have compassion for yourself and be kind to yourself. It's OK to not like every single thing about yourself, but try to find the things you do. You can start small with just one or two small things and build from there.
Try writing down the things you like about yourself and the things you are good at, even small things. Include compliments others have given you. Put this list somewhere you can see it and reference it regularly.
Consider if you might benefit from professional counseling, particularly if you:
Often feel lonely, depressed, and/or worthless
Have trouble making your own decisions
Focus on pleasing others when making decisions
Often do things you don't want to in order to maintain relationships
Tend to become involved in unhealthy relationships
Risks of Self-Loathing Behavoir
Self-esteem can significantly impact life outcomes, such as occupational success, social relationships, sense of well-being, peer perceptions, and coping skills.
Low self-esteem has been associated with:
Loneliness
Relationship problems
Fear or judgement
Low resilience (ability to cope with life challenges)
Lack of self-care (or being overly fixated on perfect grooming)
Self-harming behaviors
Problems with body image
Earlier sexual activity in adolescents
Mental health conditions such as depression
Antisocial behavior
If you or someone you know are having suicidal thoughts, dial 988 to contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline and connect with a trained counselor, or contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Reasons People Feel Self-Loathing
Self-concept refers to a person's beliefs about their attributes, traits, physical characteristics, social roles, past experiences, and future goals.
Self-disgust may develop from interactions between:
An evolved predisposition to experience disgust
Social comparison processes (how others see me) in early developmental stages that gradually become internalized
Changes in self-concept that occur over time
For example, a child picked on at school may internalize insults, taking them on as part of their negative self-talk.
Low self-esteem can stem from many causes. Some may include:
Experiences in childhood when parents or other significant people (such as teachers) were extremely critical
A lack of confidence stemming from poor academic performance
An abusive relationship or poor treatment from a partner, parent, or carer
Stressful life events, such as financial trouble or the breakdown of a relationship
Medical problems, including serious illness, disability, or chronic pain
Mental health conditions, such as an anxiety disorder or depression
Unhelpful messages and ideals in the media (particularly for teenagers and young girls) that make them believe how they look or behave affects their worth
Many factors can influence negative feelings toward yourself, including:
Unrealistic expectations: Constantly falling short of your expectations may mean you have set them unrealistically high.
Extreme self-criticism: A bit of constructive criticism can help you to correct mistakes, but feeling bad about yourself is unhelpful.
Holding onto mistakes from the past: Dwelling on things you did in the past that you cannot change.
Comparison to others: Tending to compare your weaknesses to other people's strengths.
Feeling out of place: It's important to find a group of people who support and appreciate you, which could include a support group or an online community based around a shared interest.
Habit: Negative self-talk can become habitual and can turn into intrusive thoughts, popping into your mind with no real meaning behind it.
Some research suggests that social networking sites, such as Facebook or Instagram, can foster upward social comparisons that decrease self-esteem and psychological well-being for certain people.
Social networking sites can show an idealized perspective, with selective photos, editing, and exaggeration of happiness and flawless lives. People who see these posts may feel inadequate by comparison. This effect does not happen to all users of social networking sites, and this relationship may not be direct. This tendency may be affected by psychological traits, such as a social comparison orientation.
Summary
Self-loathing means having strong feelings of dislike toward yourself and is related to self-esteem.
Practices that allow you to focus on the positive, such as affirmations, engaging in positive self-talk, and accepting compliments, can help raise self-esteem and eliminate self-loathing.
You can help others with low self-esteem by doing things such as actively listening to them, reminding them of their positive attributes, and offering them encouragement.
Professional help such as counseling may be helpful, mainly if you live with a mental health disorder.
Read the original article on Verywell Health.
