My Stepdaughters Steal My Pajamas and Drink My Booze. Why Won’t My Husband Stand Up For Me?

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I can’t deal with my stepdaughters. They were considerate in their teens. They are now in college and have the manners of barely feral dogs. Despite having their own apartment, they think nothing of driving over and letting themselves into our home without checking in at all. I will come home to find my wet laundry left on the floor, the pantry raided, dirty dishes left out, and the lights left on. The door to our bedroom is often not shut all the way (I always close it). I had to start locking the liquor cabinet because bottles went missing. The girls deny doing this and said it was all in my head. My husband refused to back me up. So I secretly got security cameras set up for the front and back door and the living room.

We went away for the weekend and came home to an empty fridge and dishes left in the sink. I immediately went to the security footage and found both girls had brought friends over to spend the night. And lent them my pajamas! When I confronted the girls, they went crazy and accused me of “spying” on them. I yelled back that they went through my damn underwear drawer and I am missing one set of pajamas, what else did they or their friends steal from me! My husband had to get in the middle and made the girls leave.

When we got home, I told him we were getting the locks changed and the girls were not getting a key. He agreed, but thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. This was the girls’ home. My answer: The girls had moved out. They lied to us, denied coming over without telling us, and went through my underwear drawer. I am lucky I keep my good jewelry in a safe. We had the locks changed but the girls refuse to apologize and I am afraid there might be an outburst during the holiday at their grandparents’ house. I am not crazy here. All I asked was for a heads-up, and they gaslight me. Help!

—Locked Out

Dear Locked,

The drama! What started out as a mild disagreement between a stepmom and her stepdaughters has gone scorched-earth, and I’m afraid that you are just as much to blame for the current situation as the girls are. (Also, your husband! He is also to blame!)

I’ll start with the stepdaughters. Yes, they should not be lying to you about having people over. For starters, such lies are laughably easy to disprove, thanks to modern technology! These college students should have been smart enough to have foreseen that. They absolutely should learn to move your laundry to the dryer, to turn off lights, and not to borrow the clothing of people who do not want their clothing borrowed.

Indeed, they should have learned those things long ago. That’s just the first mistake your husband has made in this situation, not managing to instill into these feral-dog-children sufficient respect for other people’s laundry, which I agree with you is a supremely annoying household transgression. The second mistake he made was never sitting down with his children and saying, “Girls, your stepmother, I love her, but she is wired kinda tight, and it really drives her nuts when you go into our room, so can you try to respect that?”

This leaves you. You are being a total nightmare. Given a molehill, you have made not merely a mountain out of it but, like, an entire Great Smoky Mountains National Park. How on earth have we gotten to the point that you are locking your stepchildren out of their childhood home because you’re upset that they’re drinking your booze? Why are you declaring in print that if you didn’t lock up your jewelry, they would probably steal it? This is madness! What’s next: your decorative teapots?!

For most normal people, it is 100 percent to be expected that a child in college, who lives in the same vicinity as their parents, has the right to enter and exit the childhood home with impunity. Indeed, many parents find joy and delight in their children’s desire to return home now and then—to spend time with them or, sometimes, just to do the laundry or grab some free food. Because what the childhood home offers the college student in these precarious times is not only creature comforts but the security of a familiar, loving place.

Congrats on wrecking that. How have you nuked your relationship with these girls so badly that they don’t even want to tell you they’re coming by and go to great lengths, seemingly, to avoid you? Beats me! Certainly making them feel totally unwelcome in their own home couldn’t have helped. You seem to have known them in their high school years; your restrained description of them, at that time, as “considerate” does not give me any insight into what, if any, affection you had for them. It sort of sounds like what you are most interested about with them is whether they inconvenience you in any way. Hard to imagine why they don’t want to spend time with you!

Should your stepdaughters learn to be more respectful? Yes. Should your husband do a better job of communicating with everyone? Yes. Should you get off your high horse and apologize for being such a pain in the ass? Well, if you’d like to salvage your relationship with everyone in your family, you’d better.

Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband lost his $350K-a-year job back in 2022. He has decided that he is done working. After 10 years as a stay-at-home mom, I have gone back to work full time. Unfortunately, I do not make enough in my profession to support the family completely (this is why I was initially the one to stay home). We have sold some stocks to stay afloat, but my husband has said I need to get another job to make ends meet. He says it’s my turn to work, and he will stay at home with the kids. The kids are 12 and 10 and quite independent. He is very quick to anger (always has been) and seems incapable of discussing this without exploding and destroying things. I have requested therapy several times, but he ignores my request or refuses. I am tired of being bullied and feel I am doing the best I can, which is not good enough for him.

—Just a Punching Bag

Dear Punching Bag,

I could write about the fine art of finding a balance between breadwinning phases in a marriage, or the interesting project of discussing financial planning with a spouse, if you had a different husband. Given the one you have, I will simply recommend that you pack your bags, call a lawyer, collect the kids, and get the hell out. This guy is a prick. Your town or state has domestic abuse support services that might help in the short term; if you’re having trouble finding them, the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. You and your kids deserve to be safe, happy, and loved.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I lived in Vietnam for many years, where we were really happy (she is Vietnamese, I am American). After we had kids and moved back to the United States, our lives are more stressful than ever, and we long to go back to Vietnam, where it was easier for us to make a living—I am a teacher, the private international schools there pay well, and the cost of living is very low. The problem is that it is pretty clear that the U.S. is much better for our two kids, ages 9 (a girl) and 6 (a boy). They love school and are thriving here. We also partially came back to be closer to my family, but after about a year and a half, we don’t feel very connected to them. If I had known the way things would have worked out, I probably would not have brought my family back to my hometown, or to the U.S. at all. So now it feels as if what is good for my kids’ happiness is bad for ours, and vice versa. What should we do?

—Confused in California

Dear Confused,

I am more sympathetic, I think, than many would be with the idea that bailing on America and taking the kids somewhere else might be the best thing for your family as a whole. We lionize parents who martyr themselves for their children, but who’s to say that growing up with stressed-out, unhappy parents is actually “what’s best” for a kid? Parents make decisions on behalf of their children all the time, based on what is best for the family, and even with a decision like this, where—as you say—your interests and your children’s interests seem in direct opposition, I urge you not to default to the position that the kids’ needs should immediately trump your own.

However! You need to give it a little more time. Spend the next year finding ways to improve your American life for yourself, whether that’s hunting for a job that pays better, involving yourself in your kids’ school, or seeking out old friends and making new ones in your hometown. Most importantly, you should really spend the year doggedly working to reconnect with your California family—and building a bond between them and your wife and children. It can be easy for our regrets about what we’ve lost to blind us to the opportunities still before us; you can miss Vietnam but still put your whole ass into making your California life the best that it can be.

If, after that year, you’re still feeling stressed out, disconnected, and unhappy, revisit the subject. Talk to everyone in your family, kids included, about how they feel. (Does your wife want to go back? Her opinion does not get much play in this letter, which may mean nothing or may mean a lot.) And make the decision, as a family, that is best for the family as a whole.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 16-year-old son, “Blake.” Blake’s a pretty social teenager, and is friends with quite a few kids, and at least on good terms with almost everyone in his school. He gets invited to a lot of birthday parties, and for whatever reason, this local bowling alley gets swamped with birthday parties held there. Apparently one of Blake’s friends, “Casey,” was a bit upset that his birthday party was going to feel the same as everyone else’s, so Blake decided to help.

Blake and some other friends dressed up in ridiculous disguises and then “stormed” the bowling alley, taking the staff “hostage” and instituting all kinds of silly and draconian rules for bowling to be played at the party. (Bowling balls had to be pushed with your feet, or you had to roll two balls at once.) He apparently arranged this with the staff beforehand, and they jointly called the local police to let them know this was a prank and not a real hostage situation. At least the way Blake tells it, they did not tell most of the partygoers, although “Everyone caught on pretty quickly,” and apparently Casey thought the change in routine was hilarious.

Is this any of my business? It seems like fun was had by all, and I didn’t get any police contact or calls from angry parents or anything, but it seems like a remarkably bad idea for my son to dress up as a terrorist and take fake hostages, especially in today’s world. I haven’t disciplined Blake over this, but let him know I was considering grounding him for it. The longer I think about it though, the less sure I am as to what to do. Should I just let this go, or is this a big deal?

—Wavering Judgment

Dear Wavering,

Congratulations to Blake for being creative and funny, behaving wackily yet responsibly, and having cool friends. This is not a big deal.

—Dan

I’m a 35-year-old single woman and last year I began have a panicked feeling that my time was running out to meet someone and have kids. I have come to understand that the thing that’s most important to me is to have a child, and that marriage is not in fact what really interests me. I have a good job, a house, family nearby, no known health problems and savings—a list I’ve ticked off in my head a lot for reassurance. I am, however, hesitant to pull the trigger on becoming a solo parent. I’m so afraid something could happen to me and my child would be left with my family—a loving, stable family, but it would be up to them to cope with a choice I made. My brother is supportive, but I have not been able to tell my parents yet that I am considering this. I’m worried what they will think.