How Stay Independent While In a Relationship
Every relationship has three distinct parts: me, you, and us. But when you’re dating someone new and amazing, it’s crazy-easy to get so sucked into having fun with bae that you drop your beloved me-time (buh-bye, face-mask Sundays!)...or act salty when your partner wants a day or two alone (“What! To play Fortnite? Ugh”). It’s a tricky balancing act-especially for millennials, who are spending more years being single and cherishing their #DoNotDisturb moments than any other generation. (The proof: The average American woman now gets married at 27, compared to 23 in 1990 and 20 in 1960. For men, it’s 29, up from 26 and 22, respectively.)
In fact, giving a new love your all while also preserving some space for solo fulfillment is one of the biggest issues sex and relationship therapist Ian Kerner, PhD, sees in his practice. “Strong relationships consist of strong individuals,” he says. “If you can maintain your individuality and respect your partner’s, you’ve got the basics down.”
To help clients, Kerner and other relationship therapists often use a nifty little Venn diagram that divvies up priorities for couples. There’s a circle of needs for you and one for your partner. Where they overlap is for your relationship, which is an entity in and of itself that has to be fed and nurtured too, writes life coach JoAnneh Nagler in her new book Naked Marriage: How to Have a Lifetime of Love, Sex, Joy, and Happiness. Here’s how you can allocate your time and energy into all three areas so that you, your partner, and your bond are feeling plenty of TLC.
Your Needs
Nights With Your Girls
For every date you schedule with your new plus-one, reserve hang time with your squad that same week. Research shows that female friendships can help smooth the ups and downs of life transitions (like that job you just started-eek!) and make you feel happier and more satisfied as a whole.
Alone Time
Even the most committed partners need at least a few hours of separation to work out, do their favorite hobbies, or simply unwind with some trash TV and cookie dough straight out of the tube. Hitting refresh is important for re-centering your-self. And saving a day (or more, if you need it) to do whatever you want doesn’t mean you love your S.O. any less. In fact, it’ll make you a more interesting (and talkative) partner when you see them next.
Solo Sex
You already know from being single that your sexual satisfaction isn’t just your mate's responsibility. “Having an orgasm on your own is a healthy way of experiencing pleasure,” says Kerner. What’s more, according to a 2018 survey by sexual-wellness company TENGA, 87 percent of Americans who are in a committed relationship have masturbated, and 50 percent have talked about doing it. The habit is normal and def not cheating! So keep your vibrator right where it is-it’s still a part of your self-care.
The Relationship's Needs
One-on-One Attention
When you first meet someone great, there’s a lot of “come meet my new BF or GF” hangs-at birthday parties, bars, family functions, etc. You’re technically out together, but you’re not really spending the time with each other. It’s important to add some “just the two of us” privacy into the mix so that you’re getting enough quality bonding time, which solidifies that you’re both choosing to face life (and all its events) as a united pair.
Ongoing Arousal
“In the beginning of a relationship, we often have a lot of spontaneous desire,” says Kerner. “But as things progress, you might have to generate some arousal before desire kicks in.” Put some effort into ensuring your libidos stay in sync by sneaking a flirty note in bae’s wallet before they head out for the day, turning around and winking at them after kissing them good-bye, or pulling them back into bed on a lazy Sunday morning.
Regular Check-Ins
There’s a reason your team at work has regularly scheduled meetings. It’s a good opportunity for you and your coworkers to check in, speak up, and make plans for the future. Couples need them too, says Nagler. Plan a monthly catch-up session to compare your calendars (and maybe plan a romantic vacay?) and share your thoughts on and expectations for the relationship (like what would have to happen in order for it to progress to the next step).
Your Partner's Needs
Respect for Their Home
Before you start rearranging everything, here’s a reality check: This is your partner’s space, not yours. It’s okay to speak up and say you’re grossed out by the dirty dishes in the sink, says Kerner, but do so in a constructive way (e.g., “Having a clean place is really important to me”). And tidy up after yourself too.
Moral Support
When your mate has had a crappy day at work or is going through drama in their personal life, be there for them, says Nagler. Rather than add to the negative vibe with complaints of your own, offer up a positive point instead.
Alone Time, the Sequel
You may not like it, but your boo thang needs some hours spent without you too. Whether they use that time to see friends or family, hit the gym, nap, or simply take a poop is irrelevant-it’s not a sign they’re any less into you. Besides, taking some one away from their favorite people or hobbies breeds resentment that can kill a great connection. So choose your battles carefully, and remember that a little time apart makes you better together.
For more sex and relationships advice, pick up the August 2018 issue of Cosmopolitan, or click here to subscribe to the digital edition.
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