From Star-Crossed Lovers to Forbidden Love—Why We Always Want What We Can't Have

There's a psychological reason your heart aches for someone just out of reach

Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

From The Great Gatsby to Romeo & Juliet to Wuthering Heights to My Best Friend's Wedding...we're all familiar with stories about unrequited and star-crossed love.

Little excites us as much as a tale of ill-fated romance or partners for whom the stars never align. Why is that, and why do so many of us invest so deeply in the notion of relationships with people who aren't even interested in us in the first place?

As with many things in life, the chemicals our brains produce play a role in our fascination with star-crossed love. If you've ever found yourself lusting after or daydreaming about someone you didn't have a chance with—and let's face it, we've all done it—you might benefit from learning about why people who don't want us are so very tempting and hard to give up on.

It's time to start focusing on people who are available and excited to love you back!

At a Glance

Unrequited love and the desire for those we can't have isn't at all our faults. Rather, the hunt for dopamine is to blame, as it can be ignited by the unpredictability of liking someone who doesn't feel the same way or isn't available for a relationship with us.

It's possible to move past being this way, either with the help of a therapist or by utilizing a close friend as an accountability buddy. You'll need to be dedicated to your self-awareness, as there's no moving forward or growing as a person without very up front with yourself.

Related: Unrequited Love—What to Do When Love Is One-Sided

Why Does Our Brain Want Unavailable Partners?

It seems counterintuitive, but it's natural to desire someone once you learn it's not going to happen with them...which is rough.

"If we're attracted to someone and then realize that pursuing something with them would be difficult or isn't possible, our attraction can intensify," explains psychotherapist and clinical supervisor Madison McCullough, LCSW. She says that's because our imaginations are stimulated when we want something and then find out we can't have it.

"We imagine what it would be like to have it, and get frustrated about not being able to have it, all of which adds fuel to our desire," she explains. She also tells us that "an interest in unattainable people can be driven by a need to prove something to ourselves about what we deserve, and to potentially externally regulate internally self-critical beliefs."

For some people, desiring those who don't want them back can be centered around safety. You keep yourself from becoming vulnerable to someone else by never getting involved, but you still get the emotional stimulation of being interested in someone. This might feel like the best of the both worlds, even though in reality, it pales in comparison to the real thing.

"We imagine what it would be like to have it, and get frustrated about not being able to have it, all of which adds fuel to our desire."

Madison McCullough, LCSW

For others, unrequited feelings can lead to limerence. That's when you hit the point of obsession about a person, and you can't stop it. The person becomes the "limerent object," and you focus on them incessantly. You might even need therapeutic assistance to move on.

People with specific attachment styles are more vulnerable to one-sided love. Says McCullough, "it is probably more likely that people with anxious attachment styles would be interested in people who are unattainable. They might be more likely to attach greater importance and meaning to attaining the unattainable, and feel more distress about not being able to attain the unattainable in the first place."

Related: Why Can't I Stop Thinking About Someone?

The Role of Romantic Rejection

When it comes to why romantic rejection can intensify our desire for the unattainable, we've got dopamine to blame. It's a feel-good chemical, and it can be particularly intense when a situation is unpredictable, as in not knowing how someone feels about you.

Dopamine is associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings, and the hunt for it is what makes people do everything from gambling to drugs.

McCullough says unrequited love isn't that different from gambling, according to your brain. "Most of the time that you play a slot machine, you're going to lose. Though the odds of winning are slim, there's an allure to continuing to put coins into the machine," she says.

Your mind will be on the hunt for a good outcome. "What if you beat the odds and win? What a rush that would be," she says, noting that "the same applies to being drawn to people who are unattainable."

Takeaway

These highs and lows can keep you hooked, and not just on gambling. The psychological impact of being rejected is such that it might just make you want someone all the more, and focus on them even more strongly. It's not emotionally good for us in the slightest, but we've got our brains to blame for why it happens.

Related: "Am I Unlovable?"

Societal and Cultural Factors

Being coupled is both a focal point of our cultural stories and is very involved in the way we view others. Referring to those married to famous people as celebrities themselves purely for their proximity to fame, for example, shows how strongly we associate people with their partners.

Additionally, love is an incredibly common plotline in our books, tv shows, and movies. We ask single people "why" they're single, but we never ask coupled people why they're together. Being partnered is the "normal" way to be, whether or not you're in a happy relationship, and it makes sense that can mess with people's minds.

Being judged by who we're with can lead us to desire people whom we consider to be "higher up" in society than us. "Movie plots, books, and celebrity culture reinforce narratives that our worth is defined by our partnerships and that we can increase our social capital by being in relationships with people who have more status or access than us," says McCullough.

She tells us that, "this pressure can make it difficult for us to more accurately assess when a potential partner is truly unavailable to us, and to know when to move on."

Overcoming the Pattern

Now that you understand why we're wired to want those who don't want us back, we can get to the good part: How to stop this cycle. Getting out of the habit of wanting those who don't want you frees you up to focus on finding someone who will, and/or on being able to be single and free—which, contrary to many popular narratives, is perfectly all right as an option too!

Cultivate self-awareness and honesty

The first thing you need to do is be honest about what's going on with you about those you yearn for. "Be honest with yourself about what you're looking for, and what you're hoping to get out of pursuing a relationship with this person," recommends McCullough. This is a perfect starting point for understanding what your real motives are. "Ask yourself: How much are you being driven by a deep sense of attraction and connection to them, and how much are you being driven by the thrill of accessing something that is "off limits"?"

Once you have spent time on self-reflection and gaining a better understanding of your personal motivations, McCullough suggests you open up to someone else about your tendency. That's for the sake of accountability. "Ask a trusted friend if they'd be willing to help you monitor when you might be repeating patterns of gravitating toward people who are unavailable, and agree on some parameters for how to talk about it," she instructs.

"Ask yourself: How much are you being driven by a deep sense of attraction and connection to them, and how much are you being driven by the thrill of accessing something that is "off limits?"

Madison McCullough, LCSW

Whether you choose to speak to a friend or a professional therapist, it's important to realize the changes you need to make. When we're hung up on someone who isn't into us, it can lead to weird behaviors.

Related: How Do You Get Over Someone You Never Actually Dated?

Set healthier boundaries and seek support

You'll want to begin setting healthier boundaries around not just how you engage with others, but the amount of time and effort you put into the idea of them. You'll also want to learn how to recognize the red flags that arise that make it clear a situation isn't going to happen so that you can more easily move forward once you realize it.

When you hit the point where you're feeling healthier in your habits, you'll be ready to seek mutually fulfilling relationships with others who are available and will like you back. This can lead to far more intimacy than anything one-sided ever could. It will also enable you to be supported by a partner, loved by them, and cared for, none of which is possible when we want someone we can't have.

With some time and self-care, you'll be able to shift perspectives to stop focusing on relationships with people who aren't your match. Whether you then find yourself happily single or you obtain a partner, you'll be more fulfilled long-term than you were when wanting those who don't want you back.

Read the original article on Verywell Mind.