The Stages of Grief Explained and How to Cope with Loss
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Grief is a fundamental part of the human experience—something we will all experience in our lives, whether we are mourning the death of a loved one, the passing of a loyal pet, or the end of a relationship or job.
And since the pandemic, grief has come to the forefront as people are finding more and more things to mourn. “Grieving is an experience that can happen with the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or even the loss of a dream,” says Paulina Isabel Almarosa, MSW, LCSW, and founder of Latinx Grief.
“People experience grief around profound transitions like moving, divorcing, or saying goodbye to careers, neighbors, or ways of life,” adds Lydiana García, psychologist and host of The Beyond Resilience Life podcast.
So how can one make their way through this tough period? It’s less about “dealing” with grief and more about “feeling” your way through, says experts.
In her seminal 1969 book On Death and Dying, Swiss-born psychiatrist and cofounder of the hospice movement Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined her seminal “five stages of grief.”
The American Psychological Association describes the five stages as “a hypothetical model…depicting psychological states, moods, or coping strategies that occur during the dying process or during periods of bereavement, great loss, or trauma. These begin with the denial stage, followed by the anger stage, bargaining stage, depression stage, and acceptance stage."
Not everyone who is grieving will experience all of these stages or in this exact order, because “grief is not linear,” says Almarosa. “Grief is circular. You can tap in or tap out of any of these phases and more.” Grief is also very personal, and while no two people will grieve the same way, these classic five stages of grief will be recognizable to most in the grieving process.
Here’s a closer look at each of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief.
Denial
Considered the first of the stages, the denial phase is a time of shock and disbelief, when your body can’t quite take in the reality of your loss. To some, this might look like the soldiering on with work and social life despite of what’s happened. This phase brings to mind the stoic widow at the funeral memorial who is holding it together for everyone else while insisting, “I’m fine.”
Anger
As you begin to process your grief—the illness, the passing of a loved one, the loss of the 20-year job, or the end of a marriage—feelings will start to rise, with anger boiling to the top. You might ask yourself: Why is this happening? or exclaim, “This isn’t fair!” Or you may direct your rage at your old boss, ex-lover, or God themselves. Anger is a normal and expected stage of grieving, and it’s important to understand that “anger” is the broad umbrella term for the many rivers of feelings flowing underneath.
“Because grief is not linear, people might circle back to anger again and again as they grieve,” says Alfiee Breland-Noble, psychologist and founder of the AAKOMA Project. “I wish people knew that there are multiple ways to grieve,” says Breland-Noble. “It’s not just cry, get over it, and be back at work in two weeks.”
Bargaining
Feelings of guilt, blame, and shame and thoughts of if only and what if come up as grief unfolds in the bargaining phase of the mourning process. This chapter of grieving is when your logical mind is struggling to control the situation, or make sense of an insensible occurrence. This might look like praying to God to undo what’s happened or feelings of regret as you replay a scene again and again looking for different path that could have led to a different outcome. Not everyone experiences all these five stages, nor do they come in this particular order, so never worry that you’ve “skipped” a stage. You might stay longer in one phase, while never experiencing another phase, only to cycle back to an all-too-familiar phase again—and it’s all okay.
Depression
Rather than lashing out, denying, or trying to change what’s happened, the depression stage feels like sadness and despair as you face your present reality. Feelings of depression might cause you to lose weight or withdraw from friends or social activities. Life might lose its color as you wonder, What’s the point to all of this? “Grief is actually longing more than sadness and sorrow,” says Almarosa.”Our brains are used to patterns, so your brain wants that cup of coffee you had every morning with your spouse. But with time, the longing will quiet,” says Almarosa.
It’s important to note that depression is a natural process of grieving and differs from mental illness. “Depression becomes a disorder when it is managing you, you are not managing it,” warns Breland-Noble. “If you can’t get out of bed, if can’t stop the sadness, or if it’s impacting your ability to function day to day, then you might want to find a professional who can help you find the tools to cope with your life.” she says.
Acceptance
The acceptance phase means coming to terms with what’s happened, and accepting it as reality. While this phase can offer some peace and relief, it should not at all be confused with feeling cheery. Grief.com says simply, “Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross said this of grieving: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”
So now that we know about the stages of grief, how do you move through each stage?
“There are no ‘shoulds’ in grieving,” says Nadia Jenefsky, licensed art therapist, LCAT, clinical director at NY Creative Arts Therapists.
“So try and have lots of self-compassion for all the phases and stages that arrive, even if they seem ‘weird,’” she continues. “Observe thoughts like I should be over this by now or I should be crying. The truth is there is there’s no wrong way to grieve.”
How can we best support a loved one who is grieving?
“It’s better to reach out and say the ‘wrong things’ than to not reach out at all,” says Jenefsky. “Get your cues from grieving persons. If they don’t want to talk about it, no worries, if they want to chat and make morbid jokes, just go with it. It’s important to keep being same friend and leave space for your friend or loved one to show up where they are.”
“Everyone deserves space to grieve the way they need,” adds Breland-Noble. “So ask permission to check in, and listen with intention and love, so you can act on what they tell you, not your interpretation.”
“A lot of people get disconnected because their suffering might trigger something in you,” warns García. “Sometimes the best way to help others who are grieving is to sit with your own suffering so you don't have to try and change others' feelings or their situations, and just be there for them.”
“How long will I grieve for?” is a question many people ask.
“Grief is like wave coming at you big and fast at the beginning, but then the waves get smaller and the tides slow down so the feelings aren’t as powerful and you can let them wash over you,” says Jensfsky.
“There is no time limit to grieving,” says García. Psychologists have created a new pathology called “prolonger grieving disorder” which, according to the The New York Times, “was designed to apply to a narrow slice of the population who are incapacitated, pining, and ruminating a year after a loss and unable to return to previous activities.”
Many psychologists find fault with pathologizing. But if you are struggling months and years after a loss, you might want to talk to someone.
“Not everyone who is a grieving needs a therapist,” says Almarosa. “But when you feel your personal resources are not enough, when you just can’t find the skills to get yourself self unstuck, it might be time to reach out,” she says.
“And be aware of anniversaries, which can activate feelings” adds García.
What resources can I use to move through grief?
“Turn to art, write a poem, make a collage, paint portrait of your cats. Art can be great way to move through grief. It holds beauty and pain, and you can express things you haven’t been able to express while also memorializing someone or thing,” says Jenefsky.
“I recommend grief books and websites like: What’s Your Grief, The Dougy Center, Refuge in Grief,” says Almarosa. “I’m also a big fan of journaling. Even if you write down just one word a day, which could be 'angry.' Try and be curious about your thoughts and feelings in your mind and body.”
“Balance out feelings of sadness and emptiness by connecting with people and in engaging in activities that bring you joy and pleasure,” says Jenefsky. “If you’re a runner, start with a walk and be around people who can support you so you don’t have to pretend.”
While it’s hard to imagine, grieving can be a time for growth. “Grief changes and transforms, you’re never the same person,” says Almarosa. “It can be tragic, but it can be an opportunity find parts of yourself that you didn’t know were there.”
“Some people experience ‘post-traumatic growth,’ where you’re somehow able to find a new sense of meaning and appreciation that actually allows you to grow as a person,” says Jenefsky. “They begin to appreciate life and think, I’m not messing around more. I know myself now. It’s a time of resilience and can be very powerful if you can access that transformation.”
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths,” said Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. “These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
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