If The Person You're Seeing Does *This*, They Might Be Emotionally Unavailable
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So, that person you’ve been seeing for a few months still hasn't replied to your text…after 10 hours. You know you absolutely cannot double (let’s be real, quadruple) text, but you just want to see if they still want to get a drink soon.
If the pattern of them leading you on, then blowing you off has you wondering what you did wrong, know that it might not even have to do with you. Chances are, the person you're dating is emotionally unavailable, meaning, they use excuses and aloofness to hide from authentic connection.
It also “impacts people's ability to seek help and support when they need it,” says Marni Feuerman, PsyD, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert and the author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed, based in Boca Raton, Florida. Unsurprisingly, all of this can have a *major* impact on a potential relationship.
As if dating today weren't hard enough, it’s even more difficult with the added factor of trying to find someone who is emotionally available. Ahead, experts break down the signs of being emotionally unavailable, and what to do if you really like someone who’s keeping you at an arm's length.
What does being "emotionally unavailable" actually mean?
"An emotionally unavailable person has a hard time receiving love and other deep emotions from others," says Alyson Cohen, LCSW, a therapist for teenagers, young adults, and couples based in New York City. It’s tough for them to understand your feelings "because they can hardly understand their own."
While they might appear socially advanced, Cohen says, any complex emotions beyond niceties are often lacking on their part. For instance, they may shrink away from vulnerable moments that would otherwise create a real connection, or push away anyone who even tiptoes towards their emotional boundaries. Meanwhile, to you, it feels like something with them is off—but they’re not self-aware enough to realize how their aversion to intimacy affects a potential partner.
"It sets up this pursuer-distancer dynamic," says Darlene Lancer, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and codependency, and the author of Conquering Shame and Codependency based in Santa Monica, California. "Partners don't get their needs met."
However, an aversion to opening up isn’t always a bad sign. If you hear "Let's take things slow," that's not necessarily a relationship death wish—but it all comes down to communication. Someone who's a little more guarded (but not emotionally unavailable) will be "considerate of the fact that their behavior might make someone else feel anxious," Cohen says. This person will talk to you about it, whereas the emotionally unavailable person won’t.
What are the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner?
Spotting an emotionally unavailable person isn’t as easy as it sounds, but experts have rounded up some potential warning signs that your person might not be ready for all that a committed relationship entails.
1. They haven’t been in serious relationships.
No, relationship history isn’t everything, but it can give a hint or two about what the future may look like. If a person has been in a lot of situationships or flings that burn out fast—as opposed to long-term relationships that are meaningful to them—they may not be interested in the latter. "These partners will exit relationships before they are able to get more serious," Cohen says.
If you're on the younger side, it's normal to have never felt in love. However, "once you reach a certain age of young adulthood (past 25), your ability to experience deep emotions should have developed," Cohen says. By spending months or years with someone, you should become close and develop those types of deeper feelings. "Love is part of human nature," adds Cohen. "If someone has been in long-term relationships and has not ever said 'I love you' to someone, it may indicate some level of emotional unavailability."
2. They don’t like talking about real sh*t.
As in, less talk about their latest Netflix show obsession and more: "Let’s talk about the work crisis ruining my life." An emotionally unavailable partner won’t seem engaged during these chats, even when you want their ear the most. While you’re over here speaking your truth and trying to connect, your partner is over there running farther and farther away. If you can’t bond over the stuff happening in your life, you won’t be able to form an intimate connection.
"The push for closeness may feel uncomfortable or scary," she explains. In response, the emotionally unavailable person withdraws and says (or silently conveys, rather) "no comment" when talk of, say, conflict or your future together come up.
They might even become a bit defensive. Considering an emotionally unavailable partner cannot, for the life of them, say how they truly feel, they automatically go on the defensive when they’re exposed. They often blame others, rather than recognizing and confronting the emotional fallout.
3. They’re not affectionate (at least not consistently).
If your partner is emotionally evasive, your intimate life might be getting more mild by the day. Touch, compliments, and sex are all means to intimacy, which the emotionally unavailable person may avoid. (Although sometimes, sex isn't an issue for them, and may even be how they show love, says Feuerman.)
On your side, "the partner yearning for emotional closeness may get turned off sexually if that effort isn’t made," says Feuerman. The result? "The relationship can feel more like a friendship or roommate situation." (And that's not exactly ideal!)
P.S. This applies for the sweet little gestures, too. Say you pick up their favorite Sweetgreen salad on your way home to show them you're thinking of them and want to make them happy. They’ll eat the salad all right, but they won’t understand or fully appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Dating today is hard—emotionally unavailable people are only one piece of it. Here's some help to navigate the rest:
4. They’re unavailable...literally.
Let’s go back to that text you sent hours ago. Still nada? Someone who is emotionally unavailable can be hard to get in contact with, and communication even via text can be spotty. It's intentional.
"Your partner is putting physical distance between the two of you, which can also mask their emotional distance," Cohen says. And if they say they’re just suuuper busy? Don’t even get me started on that excuse—who isn’t?
Then, when (er, if) you finally do get a hold of them and make plans, they might have a habit of cancelling. All. The. Time. Not only are your plans botched, but it’s also a sneaky way to cut down on quality time spent together.
On the flip side, if you do see this person on a regular basis but it seems like it's a set schedule that's the same every week, it could be a sign, Cohen says. Keep an eye out if "there doesn’t seem to be much spontaneity or passion-driven desire to see you" on their part, she says.
5. They don’t introduce you to their friends.
If you’ve been seeing the same person for, oh, I don’t know, four months and you haven’t met their friends, it might be a sign that they don’t want to acknowledge the relationship. "They want to compartmentalize, and they’re not willing to make you part of their life," says Lancer. If they've been to a few parties or a work social events and haven't bothered asking you to join as their plus-one—that's not a great sign.
What's more, they might not even be in regular contact with friends or family—which is also a fat red flag. This type of person may appear as a "forever bachelor" or "forever bachelorette," but it's for a reason—they're more comfortable that way. They tend to "feel content in their lives with little interpersonal interactions," Cohen says.
6. They seek perfection in themselves and their partners.
People who are emotionally unavailable will find any excuse to break things off, Lancer says. "They’re looking for an ideal. They’ll find something wrong with you and, a lot of the time, that’s used to create distance," she adds.
They’ll hone in on the smallest flaws and might even say "I like X, Y, and Z about you, but I can’t get over this one thing about you." Whether that’s your job, a friend, or a habit that shouldn’t really matter, they'll find fault, says Lancer.
7. They call you "intense."
Say it with me: "My feelings are valid." Closed-off people might see those who express their emotions as really intense or overdramatic—and often will call you out on it so you second guess what you’re actually feeling. In reality, they struggle hardcore to be sympathetic.
This type of partner "deals with your feelings the same way they deal with theirs," says Alysha Jeney, LMFT, a relationship therapist and the founder and director of Modern Love Counseling in Denver, Colorado. (Read: by shutting them down.) Since they're uncomfortable with being serious, they also might poke fun at you (cue: "You're so sensitive!") or try to lighten the mood when you start real talk. "They’re showing that vulnerability is a turn-off," says Cohen.
This can stem from an avoidant attachment style—when someone seems secure but just doesn't want to rely on others—which is why they have a negative perspective on sharing emotional needs. (But more on attachment issues later.)
8. They say it.
Okay, this one's obvious, but it's true. If you're dating someone emotionally unavailable, they'll often tell you they aren't ready for anything serious, like a committed relationship.
"It’s common for people who are emotionally unavailable to be able to spend a lot of time with someone and essentially build what looks and feels like a deep and serious relationship, but they may not feel any of that at all," says Cohen.
She advises paying attention to what people say in the early dating stages, their continued effort, and how you feel when you're with them. Afterward, if you question how they feel about you, listen to that instinct, and think back to those initial conversations.
What are the signs that I'm emotionally unavailable?
Everyone knows (and rolls their eyes at) the standard "It's not you, it's me" breakup line. But what if it really is you? Here are a few ways to tell if you're emotionally unavailable, according to experts:
1. You've dated other emotionally unavailable people.
Unfortunately, emotional unavailability *may* have rubbed off on you because you could have a higher tolerance to date others who are the same way, Cohen says. "You can easily ignore red flags and other less than desirable features about someone because, on an unconscious level, you yourself are not ready for a deep and committed partnership," she adds.
2. You're scared of dating.
If you're constantly coming up with reasons to not date (like being "too busy with work" or "focusing on yourself ATM"), you might be emotionally unavailable. "Dating and relationships are supposed to be an added support and level of stability in your life," Cohen says. "If you only see them as hindrances or obstacles or stress-related, it may be because emotions are very difficult for you and thus you stay away from them as much as possible."
3. You have anxiety and/or depression, but you haven't done anything about it.
Perhaps you've thought about getting some type of help, but never followed through. In order to avoid that emotional pain, you may be emotionally unavailable—and therapy can help. "Facing the pain is the only way to work through this and become more available," Cohen notes.
Regardless of the reason why you may be closed off, just know that emotional unavailability doesn't have to last forever. "The first step in becoming emotionally available is to be there for yourself," says Cohen. "Honoring and stepping into your own feelings is the only way to better understand yourself and thus allows you to understand others."
You'll also want to surround yourself with support from a therapist or other close friends and think about the needs in your childhood that weren't met. She suggests journaling, doing research online, or joining a support group.
Pain is a completely normal part of the human experience. "Deep feelings can be painful, but they can also be fulfilling and satisfying emotions of love and joy," Cohen says. "Without accessing your pain, you won’t be able to fully access your joy."
4. You don't understand them.
"The emotionally unavailable partner can make someone with very healthy views of intimacy and closeness feel bad about their needs," Feuerman says. They may not even realize they're doing it (again, they're not good at reading emotions). Regardless, feeling misunderstood or dismissed can feel like a harsh rejection, not to mention extremely frustrating, especially when you're trying to handle things diplomatically. That’s the opposite of what you should feel in a relationship.
5. You don’t put the same effort into the relationship.
Straight-up, you just might not be able to get to the same place emotionally as your potential S.O. Those who are emotionally unavailable tend to "anticipate being let down, so they don’t make the effort," Feuerman says. When you stop putting energy into the relationship, the end is nigh, she adds.
Why might someone be emotionally unavailable?
There are a few reasons someone may be emotionally unavailable, some of which are bigger red flags than others. Maybe they’re just not that into you, says Feuerman. Or they’re going through a dramatic life transition (recent breakup, career change, etc.) and their emotions are hard to pin down.
However—and this is a big however—"if you find you are with someone who is willing to be in a relationship, but constantly puts up barriers to intimacy, then the cause may run deeper than a temporary situation," Feuerman says.
Childhood Trauma
Unaddressed childhood wounds and beliefs can undoubtedly bleed into adult relationships. If you're emotionally unavailable as an adult, you might have had emotionally unavailable parents, adds Cohen.
"Emotionally unavailable parents may be workaholics, personality disordered, mentally ill, substance abusers, and also just self-absorbed," she says. "If our emotional needs were neglected and discouraged, we probably learned to bottle up our feelings."
And if you experienced trauma during childhood, pain becomes "intolerable," she says. Therefore, you don't process any of it and instead lock it away so you can't access those emotions. It's imperative that children be taught the validity of their feelings so they can live their lives openly.
Previous Relationships
People can also become emotionally unavailable from previous relationships—especially if they had their heart broken. "This could be considered a relationship trauma that scares the person away from developing deep feelings for another person in an effort to avoid the pain from the past," she adds.
For the emotionally unavailable, "the unconscious idea here is that if you can block feelings, you can also block out your pain," Cohen says. Unfortunately, that doesn't allow for real healing to happen.
Attachment Issues
Attachment styles impact how a person develops and maintains relationships as an adult. Emotional unavailability and an avoidant attachment style—a.k.a., when a person may present as secure but really just does not want to rely on others in a relationship—aren’t the same thing. However, two can absolutely go hand-in-hand, and sometimes look quite similar on paper.
An avoidant attachment style impacts a person’s perception of relationships and how they might navigate (or avoid) one, says Allison Soss, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor at the New York City Psychotherapy Collective. They don't want to rely on others, so they often avoid relationships or emotions.
“Someone who has an avoidant attachment style can come across as emotionally unavailable due to their lack of necessity for relationships to feel complete,” Soss explains. So, it can definitely play into someone's emotional unavailability. If you feel you're struggling to be vulnerable and discuss your family dynamics, relationship history, and other past experiences with someone you're seeing, therapy might be a great resource, Soss adds.
FAQs
Can emotionally unavailable people fall in love?
It's possible. In their mind, they could maybe feel like they're falling in love, but their behavior may send a different message, Feuerman adds. "They can be in love, but not want to give as much time to their partner as the partner needs and wants," Lancer says. "They just may be limited in terms of how much they can demonstrate and show very overtly loving behaviors and also how much they can take in a loving behaviors," Feuerman says.
Those who are emotionally unavailable are also definitely not seeking out love, support, or reassurance from their partners. In fact, they might put up barriers or blocks to someone's romantic gestures, and instead, do something distracting, like playing video games or shopping, or even destructive, like turning to drugs or alcohol.
How do emotionally unavailable people show love?
They might show love in a more untraditional (well, unromantic) way, like doing tasks and chores for their partner that "may not be considered having emotional depth to them," Feuerman says. Maybe instead of saying "I love you," they took your car and washed it, then filled it with gas, or woke up early to feed your children for you.
Also, someone who's emotionally unavailable often doesn't have issues in the bedroom. Their way of showing love can also be physical, Feuerman adds.
Can emotionally unavailable people miss you?
Yes, but it exists on a continuum, Feuerman says. For someone extremely emotionally unavailable, they might not miss their partner when they're away or even be thinking about them much at all. But those who are more in the middle or less emotionally unavailable can definitely miss someone.
However, these feelings of missing some0ne could cause them to be "scared at the same time or feel too vulnerable and they want to pull back," Feuerman says. They often try to regulate their feelings around missing someone, not knowing how to articulate it, so instead, they compartmentalize that information and divert their energy elsewhere.
So... what are my next steps if I really, really like an emotionally unavailable person?
Here’s where it gets personal. It comes down to you to decide if it’s worth pursuing a relationship with someone who shows signs of being emotionally unavailable. Whatever your choice, proceed with caution.
"It was Maya Angelou who said, 'When people show you who they are, believe them,'" Cohen advises. "And in this scenario, I totally agree with that quote." Staying with someone who is emotionally unavailable could be a disaster—not quite the happily ever after you might be looking for, she says.
Still, if you're super into this person and can see a future, here are some steps to take:
Spend time together.
When you're together, avoid asking deep, personal questions right away—as in, on the first couple of dates. "They can get overwhelmed too, if you're coming on way too strong," Feuerman says. Go at a slower pace, and maybe wait to get physical. If you happen to get intimate with them right away, they might distance themselves out of fear later, she adds.
This way, you can avoid any potential pain that might result from that situation.
Pay attention to red flags.
Do not—under any circumstances—ignore the red flags. They matter, and they're important, Feuerman says. Maybe you're not getting clear answers to the light, fun questions you're asking them, and instead, they're evasive or change the subject or turn it around on you. For instance, if you ask them what their family is like, they might respond, "Well, you don't really need to know much about my family, but I want to hear about yours," Feuerman continues.
If you leave the hangout sesh or date having learned nothing about them (due to the v superficial conversation), that could be a red flag.
Eventually, ask them questions.
If your heart of hearts believes that this person is struggling with opening up or being responsive to your emotions, then "they may just need help learning how to tolerate and understand feelings," Jeney says. As time goes on, there will be room to ask them those harder-to-answer Qs. If you've gotten past date three and you feel like there's chemistry and things feel great between you two, that's when you can dig in a bit more, Feuerman says.
Start with some questions like, How do you see life? How do you see your goals? What kind of things do you value? before asking for clarity on their hesitations to get closer and/or learning what affection means to them. Just remember to be gentle and patient, try not to get all heated up, and really pay attention to their answers. If you do, they're more likely to continue opening up, Feuerman says.
With a concerted, mutual (keyword here) effort to progress, it’s possible to have a future together. "A person might be able to break down the walls of someone who is willing to slowly take out the bricks," Feuerman says. "It is ultimately up to them to become more emotionally accessible, present, and engaged." Bonus points if your partner goes to therapy, which brings me to...
See a therapist.
If you want to be committed to this person in the long-term (or maybe you already are), it would be a good idea to see a therapist with your partner. That way, "the therapist will get much more of a sense of the relational dynamics and who might be contributing to whatever stress is going on," Feuerman says.
Remember, it's not about you.
For the sake of your mental health, it’s important to remember that it's not up to you to change this person's ways. Again, while emotional unavailability can be a temporary result of one's current circumstances, many times, it can be traced back to long before they met you.
Emotional unavailability can be frustrating to deal with since it affects both partners, but that doesn't mean it has to be the end of any relationship. After you've completed these steps, you should "have a clear idea of what's important to you and see if this person is walking alongside you in the same direction," Feuerman adds.
Otherwise, their emotional unavailability can result in a one-sided relationship, and being with someone who can’t support or love you in the way you deserve is exhausting. If the person shows no signs of changing their habits, think of moving on as an act of self-care. It's tough to give up on someone you want, but it will be a lot less painful if you part ways early on in the relationship.
Meet the experts: Marni Feuerman, PsyD, is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert and the author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed, based in Boca Raton, Florida. Alyson Cohen, LCSW, is a therapist for teenagers, young adults, and couples based in New York City. Darlene Lancer, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and codependency, and the author of Conquering Shame and Codependency based in Santa Monica, California. Alysha Jeney, LMFT, is a relationship therapist and the founder and director of Modern Love Counseling in Denver, Colorado. Allison Soss, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor at the New York City Psychotherapy Collective.
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