I Decided to See a Movie Every Friday Night, No Matter What Was Playing. It Took Me to Unexpected Places.
In late January, in need of a new ritual, I decided to start going to the movies every Friday night. In my Ohio town, I see whatever movie starts between 6:45 and 7:30 and ends by 9:45 or so. I smuggle in a burrito, or some Kroger sushi, for dinner, and buy the $3 theater nachos as supplement and penance. I tell my friends, and they can come if they want. If not, I go solo.
I quickly fell in love with my new gambit. I’ve found that if I go to the movies on Friday, when I’m otherwise too tapped out to do very much, the weekend feels much longer. Plus, skipping the kid’s bedtime at least once a week takes a psychic weight off my neck. The only problem? I happened to start up this habit in the time of year that the erstwhile publication Grantland once christened “Dumpuary”: January and February, where the worst, weirdest movies go to die.
Dumpuary was grimmer than usual this year, because of the oddity of the post-strike, post-pandemic movie pipeline, which has everyone in Hollywood freaking out that 2024’s box office is going to be awful. January through April of this year, Deadline warned in late 2023, would see the worst of it: only 31 wide releases, way fewer than came out in the equivalent period in 2023, and no big, Avatar-esque holiday must-see dragging latecomers into the theaters in the new year.
In my town, there are two theaters, one of which is partially closed to undergo some crucial renovations. The one that’s fully open isn’t the type to keep Oscar movies around just ’cause. Both of these facts would severely heighten the Dumpuary effect around here. As my efforts continued, I decided to chronicle the places my adventure took me, including to a movie literally called Land of Bad. My findings are below.
Week 1: The Beekeeper. It makes little sense that there would be a single person endowed by the government with the power of vigilantism, and that this person would be called “the Beekeeper,” but it makes a lot of sense that a movie about evil, Grandma-bilking scammers getting beekept by Jason Statham would turn out to be fun. In one scene, a baddie levels a gun at the Beekeeper’s head, and says, “To be or not to be, that is the question.” The Keeper says back, “I choose to Bee.” And then kicks ass. OK!
U.S. box-office gross so far: $63.1 million.
Week 2: Anyone but You. The major plot points of this romance, between a law student and a finance guy, make no sense either, but when Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell were actually speaking to each other, my internal organs turned into goo. My theater was full of young couples, which was weird—there’s no possible way anyone’s girlfriend or boyfriend could come out looking good in comparison to either of these young gods. But what do I know! I was alone, eating a mediocre California roll and cackling. I pulled up “Unwritten” on Spotify on the way home and sang my heart out.
U.S. box-office gross so far: $87 million.
Week 3: Lisa Frankenstein. I can’t believe handsome ex-Riverdale-er Cole Sprouse decided to do a movie where he is a shambling, mumbling corpse for 90 percent of his screen time. Or maybe I can? This one was written by Diablo Cody and is a horror comedy with ’80s vibes. I loved Kathryn Newton as the goth teen girl who falls in love with this dead guy, but by the end, I felt a little sorry for the people who were killed so that her Lisa could give her Frankenstein a hand and a penis. I’m a bit of a baby, I guess!
U.S. box-office gross so far: $9.4 million.
Week 4: Land of Bad. This one, about some buff Special Forces guys who do the slow-smooth-fast walk really well, has the two non-Chris Hemsworths in it, and I would often find myself confused about which one was which. In the movie, the Hemsworths and their fellow hardened operator Milo Ventimiglia (!) struggle to emerge from a tricky situation in a Filipino jungle, where they find themselves battling an evil rebel of some kind, whose politics were extremely murky to me. Russell Crowe is the drone operator back on base who gives guidance over the comms, and he’s just as good at that as these guys are at doing the walk. This was probably imperialist propaganda, but you know what? I liked it.
U.S. box-office gross so far: $3.6 million.
Week 5: Drive-Away Dolls. Ethan Coen and Tricia Cooke’s long-gestating comedy about two lesbian friends who decide to get out of town and end up embroiled in a caper found a very charming use for Margaret Qualley, the wisecracking, loose-limbed, charismatic half of the pair. It was either this or try to find some joy in Madame Web, and I think this was the right choice. I did have friends with me for this one, and one of them, a Southerner, said Qualley’s Texas accent wasn’t great. Oh, well! I fell for it.
U.S. box-office gross so far: $2.4 million.
This weekend, Dune 2 hits, and thus my Dumpuary ends. But I think I’ll keep this habit up. If you don’t live in a town like mine where you can see movies for between $5 and $7 (I know, I know), or have more obligations than I do on Friday nights, it may be hard to adopt. But if you decide you’re just going to the movies, no matter what, there’s something pure about throwing yourself on Hollywood’s mercy. Look at me: I survived five weeks of Dumpuary, and didn’t even have to subject myself to Bob Marley: One Love!
