Spending Christmas Alone This Year Doesn't Have To Suck
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose…
*record scratch*
Uh, hold up. Even when there isn't a pandemic going on, holidays aren’t always the happiest—and that’s totally okay. Whether you’re spending Christmas alone because of coronavirus concerns, finances, a grueling work schedule, or a difficult family relationship, remember that a lot of people are in a similar situation.
“The holidays can be difficult, even under normal circumstances,” says Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, psychology and neuroscience professor at Brigham Young University who studies loneliness. “Oftentimes, it’s because we build up these expectations that may go unfulfilled.”
Given that Christmas is a time of parties, warm bevvies, treats, and hugs, when those traditions or experiences aren’t completely possible, loneliness—the gap between your actual and desired level of social connection—can barge in through the chimney unannounced.
But that’s not to say you can’t transform a solo holiday into a beautiful celebration all your own. “We can find ways to connect that may not be as good as the real thing or what we’re used to, but will let us feel connected to the people we love,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, clinical psychologist and friendship expert. Just because you’re alone for Christmas doesn’t mean a festive holiday is out of reach. Here are 12 expert-approved ways to connect with yourself and loved ones this season.
1. Write letters to fam and friends.
This year, go beyond the typical batch of generic sign-and-send holiday cards or emoji-fied group texts. By resorting to this old-school trend, not only do you get to pick out or DIY (if you’re extra crafty) festive cards, but your handwritten message will warm the recipient right up and give you a fuzzy feeling in return. Kirmayer says penning letters can strengthen social bonds, since the extra effort reaffirms how much that person means to you. Plus, it never hurts to keep up a holiday tradition of sending cards—especially if you're missing out on a few others. To amp up the nostalgia, slip a pic of a Christmas past into the envelope.
2. And pen a note to yourself, too.
Don't put that stationary away just yet. ‘Tis the season to give thanks—and yeah, that includes you! The holiday season marks a great time to reflect, says Kirmayer. Maybe this is a letter to a past or future self, a wish for how you want to spend next Christmas, or a list of experiences and lessons you want to remember from this part of your life. Penning something to yourself will help give this time away from loved ones a new sense of purpose.
3. Use your phone with intention.
When it comes to virtually connecting with family and friends, Kirmayer says not all forms of tech are created equal. Focus on video and voice-based platforms, like FaceTime or Zoom, instead of relying on text messages. The former will help you get as *close* to real-life interactions as you can get. “It can be both disappointing that we can’t see our loved ones and gratifying for the ability to keep in touch this way,” she says.
4. Go beyond chit-chat.
Hopping on a video or phone call is only half the battle. Emotional intimacy comes from vulnerable convos, Kirmayer says. Get real about how you’re actually feeling ATM or share a funny memory you can both relive. But that's not to say you shouldn't mention your new favorite healthy cookie recipe or debate whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie or not. These are all soul-feeding talks that will spark the warm and fuzzies.
5. Practice gratitude.
Chronic loneliness can become self-fulfilling, cautions Kirmayer. "When we interpret situations negatively and respond in negative ways, it elicits negative responses in return,” she says. “But research is starting to look into gratitude as a way to create an upward spiral instead.”
Translation: A regular gratitude practice, such as reading prompts online, meditating, or journaling can be a major comfort. Take a few minutes every day to list all the good things you've got going on in your life.
6. Keep up your holiday traditions.
Maybe you have an annual family ritual of toasting with a big glass of homemade eggnog (to each their own…) or singing a dramatic rendition of “What Child Is This?” at midnight mass. Why give it up just because you’re somewhere different? “It’s easy to say it’s not worth it, or it’s not doable,” Kirmayer says. “But the more we honor rituals and traditions on our own, the more connected we’ll feel to ourselves and the holidays.” Secure the best Zoom setup in all the land (a.k.a. your home), and carry on with Christmas traditions like there aren't miles and miles between you and the fam.
7. Adapt—or create—rituals.
If your book club or workplace usually does a Secret Santa gift exchange, keep it virtual and mail gifts instead. Or if your mom hosts a neighborhood holiday cookie contest, mail her your entry in advance. “It can be a way to rethink how we celebrate,” Holt-Lunstad says. “We might even find things we want to continue in future celebrations.”
8. Start a solo dance party.
Queue up *NSYNC’s Home For Christmas (the most iconic holiday album, don’t @ me), and say goodbye to your couch. That weighted blanket won’t go anywhere, trust. Kirmayer recs dancing (Mean Girls “Jingle Bell Rock” choreo, anyone?), singing, walking, or just moving. It’ll get those endorphins going and you’ll feel more connected to your body. And once you're done you can start your Home Alone binge.
9. Be fully present.
“Think about how you can change or interact with your environment by engaging your five senses,” Kirmayer suggests. Light a pine tree-scented candle, dim the lighting, turn on a relaxing playlist, notice the texture of a thick knit sweater, or sip a mug of hot cocoa slowly. It’s a total festive mood. Going about your day with intention and giving extra focus to those moments will help you feel grounded.
10. Find balance on social media.
It’s the most wonderful time of year, and people can’t STFU about it. At its best, social media can help foster a connection with family and friends. But it can also lead to unrealistic expectations. “When we start falling into the trap of, ‘everyone else is celebrating in the way I wish I was,’ it can exacerbate feelings of loneliness,” Kirmayer says. If you notice your Insta-checks make you feel like the Grinch, best to put the app away and do anything else on this list.
11. Check in with people who are alone for Christmas, too.
“There can be an incredible sense of shame that comes with feeling lonely, or not wanting to make people feel aware of their loneliness,” Kirmayer says. If a pal is spending Christmas alone, reach out and give them the space to open up if they want. (After all, you can relate!) Even better, send along treats or a text to let them know you’re thinking of them.
12. Remember that you’re not alone.
Don't forget that other people are experiencing the exact same thing as you are. Loneliness is a shared human experience, Holt-Lunstad and Kirmayer say. And during the holidays, we crave connection even more. Sure, this year’s celebrations will look a heck of a lot different for many of us, but in a way, there’s a tiny bit of comfort in that. Remembering that you're not the first or the last person on the planet to feel lonely on Christmas may give you the reassurance you need to make the best of your situation.
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