Sorting fact from fiction: What the French are really like on holiday
Continuing our new series on how different nationalities travel – so far we've learned about the Italians, Americans and Japanese – our expat expert explains how to spot the French on holiday.
Where they go
The French holiday overwhelmingly in France. Why wouldn't they? France offers, almost the entirety of Europe crammed into one country - from Germanic and Flemish to Mediterranean. It's the world's most visited country. It would be perverse to go elsewhere. Though figures are slippery, it seems that at least 75 per cent stay in their home country for the hols. That's why it takes 36 hours to get round Lyon on summer weekends. Pretty much the entire nation is heading south, to the beach. Yes, the beach. To hear them talk, the French spend their leisure time touring prehistoric sites, studying Romanesque frescoes or hiking mountains. A few do. But - those figures again - the vast majority are on the sands of the Riviera, Provence and Languedoc, with enough left over to fill up the Atlantic beaches and the Breton coast.
And they're mainly camping. France has more campsites - around 8,500 - than anywhere else, bar the US. They account for almost 50 per cent of what professionals call "the commercial bed offer". If not in France, incidentally, the French favour - in this order - Spain, Italy, the US and the UK. Morocco, Turkey and Tunisia used to feature prominently but, well, they don't any more.
What they like to do
In France, the gap between word and deed is unusually large. French people claim never to shop in hypermarkets, eat fast food - or lie around on holiday beaches. Except that they mostly do, most of the time. Naturally, a minority does the cultural thing, generally with stupefying seriousness. Bone-achingly tedious visits of châteaux and similar invariably eschew human interest - history's sex and violence - to concentrate on Renaissance cornices and the evolution of window design. This may be why everyone else is on the beach, and campsite. Which, in their way, they also take quite seriously. Beach picnics may come in four courses and the apéritif ritual back at the site is as immutable as sunset.
How they behave
Also quite seriously, at least compared to Britons. More mature French holidaymakers give the impression that, as they travel, they are marking everything out of 20. Which they are. They don't eat in restaurants or visit exhibitions: they "test" them, as a cursory glance at the French pages of TripAdvisor underlines. ("On a testé Chez Houllebecq et l'a trouvé inadéquat.") Meanwhile, younger French vacanciers get stuck in - and I don't mean to vodka shots at 10am. No-one has told them that the purpose of pleasure is to be paralytic, so they bring a Tiggerish bounce to bungee jumping, hill-trekking and volleyball on the beach.
What they wear
They are French. They wear whatever is appropriate. And, whatever it is, it will fit.
Dining and drinking habits
Vital elements of a French holiday. Back to the figures, which suggest that gastronomy is crucial to holiday choice for almost 50 per cent of French. Anecdotal evidence backs this up. I don't know a single French person who would join me for a tuna sandwich and packet of crisps at lunchtime. They consider it a peculiar form of Anglo-Saxon masochism. Then they head off for the three-course lunch menu at the seafront fish restaurant.
They are, though, open and enthusiastic about new and/or foreign cuisine (as you can be when you've so much confidence in your own). It was with a Frenchman that I took on grilled grasshoppers in Mexico, with calamitous consequences. They favour dining later than do Britons - but not as late as the Spanish, for whom dinner runs directly into breakfast... and every other meal, as not even the Spanish understand Spanish eating habits. Meanwhile, drinking is - again by British standards - moderate. Downing eight pints of beer would, for them, constitute water torture with added hops. And, as they don't eat in restaurants, but "test" them, so they don't drink wine, but "taste" it. It's rare to come upon a Frenchman, let alone woman, flat out at 2am, crying: "I've tasted four bottles tonight."
How to get along with them
1. Don't criticise France - its strikes, alleged idleness, loose morals, etc. They will only hit back with words about our ever-boiled food, "ultra-liberal economy" which wipes out the poor, and limping health service which kills off the rest.
2. But do exploit Britishness; the French are fascinated by Britain as they aren't by any other European nation: monarchy, rock music, comedy, interesting soccer teams. Stick to these subjects and you've friends, if not for life, then probably for a fortnight.
3. Don't hold back on Brexit. The French aren't offended. No, really. For them, it's simply another manifestation of British idiosyncrasy like jam roly-poly, black taxis and the Duke of Edinburgh.
