How Soon Is Too Soon To Move In Together? A Relationship Coach Weighs In
Here are the factors to consider and signs to look out for.
You have found "The One." The one who sends a flurry of butterflies aflutter in your tummy, and always puts a smile on your face. The one that you can’t imagine not waking up to every morning or going to sleep aside each night. The one you want to go grocery shopping with, garden with, and mix up your whites and colors with on laundry day. Heck, you can even imagine (gasp!) sharing a bathroom with them!
Now you are ready to take the next step in your relationship: living together.
But how do you know if you are truly emotionally ready to share a living space with your partner? Is it the blinders that come with the early stages of being in love making you want to rush to that kind of commitment? Are you worried that the next fight you and your boyfriend or girlfriend have will be the argument that breaks you for good? Trying to figure it out can be extremely stressful!
To help you figure out the answers to some of the emotional challenges that go along with knowing how soon is too soon to move in together, we consulted with Debra Feinberg, LCSW, the director of Maplewood Counseling in Maplewood, New Jersey. A counselor and coach for couples, individuals and families, Feinberg has put together some expert advice for you and your partner to think about if you are considering making such a life-altering transition.
How long should you wait before moving in together?
There isn’t a hard-and-fast timeline to consider when moving in together. The most important wait, according to Feinberg, is however long it takes for you to really get to know your partner before cohabitating and exploring the way you each handle conflict. “That can take some time,” she tells Parade. “It can help couples a lot to slow things down. The beginning of a relationship is usually free of conflict since you might feel in love, or not really see things as clearly. Things can feel wonderful and easy. However, what happens when each person feels hurt, angry, disappointed, etc.?”
Knowing how your other half will respond to a disagreement—or an all-out fight—is vital to the overall success of a relationship. “It will help to wait to get to know one another and take your time in this way,” she says.
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What should a couple talk about before moving in together?
“Assuming a couple has taken some time to understand how effectively they handle conflict, it is good to talk about expectations,” Feinberg suggests.
Feinberg adds that an open discussion about what to expect when living together should include finances and who will handle what household chores, but it is imperative to have honest conversations about intimacy and other responsibilities as well. Be sure to set parameters about what kind of personal space you will or won’t need to thrive in the relationship, be understanding and mindful about what will please your partner or set them off, and be honest about your pet peeves and how you might react to the other person’s idiosyncrasies.
Related: Give the Gift of Quality Time! 125 Swoon-worthy Ways To Speak Your Partner’s Love Language
Examples of topics to cover before moving in together:
Where you'd like to live
How you'll split or cover bills
Who will handle what household tasks
How often you'll expect to have meals together
Expectations for plans after work
Ask about each other's love language
Pet peeves
How you both typically handle conflict
Expectations about home decor
How do you know if it’s the right time to move in together?
Feeling emotionally secure with your partner (and vice versa) is a good indicator that you are ready to live together. “The right time might be when both people feel safe enough emotionally to express and share concerns and feelings openly,” says Feinberg. “That will reduce fear and give a couple more confidence they can handle potential issues that come up when moving in together—and in general.”
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Can moving in together too soon ruin a relationship?
Jumping into sharing the same living space before you truly get to know your partner can absolutely damage a budding relationship, cautions Feinberg. This circles back to her warning that it is crucial to know how you communicate strong emotions like hurt, anger or disappointment with each other when you have a fight.
What’s more, how you reconcile a disagreement as a couple is equally important. Being able to successfully establish respectful boundaries, reach a compromise, or get past the surface argument to the bottom of the real issue behind why you are fighting are all positive signs that you and your partner have the tools to fight in a healthy way.
“If you can’t resolve issues effectively when they come up—and haven’t had practice at this—then it can cause relationship ‘ruptures’ that may not be easily repaired,” Feinberg warns.
Related: 40 Relationship Red Flags
What are some signs you might be ready to move in together?
You have previously discussed the idea of someday living together.
You feel supported by one another.
When disagreements arise, you listen and communicate respectfully.
You've started building a life together, practically living together already.
The idea of living together excites both of you equally.
When you are able to feel safe enough emotionally and communicate effectively when challenging issues arise, you and your partner might be ready to co-sign a lease, says Feinberg.
However, there are other key factors to keep in mind as well when it comes to deciding if you are ready to share a bathroom with the love of your life. For instance, you should both agree about what the future holds for you as a couple—whether that is getting married or not. It’s also important that you don’t approach living together as a band-aid for problematic behavior, such as a lack of trust in your partner.
“Have realistic expectations of one another,” Feinberg notes. “Lastly, if you feel consistently connected and secure, you might be ready to move in together.”
Next, check out how it feels to be in love and these 5 signs you love someone.
