My Son’s Role in the School Play Makes My Flesh Crawl—but He Loves It

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 14-year-old son, “Ed.” Ed’s in his school’s theater club, and they’re putting on production for the end of the year. Normally they do Shakespeare adaptations, but this year the club president decided to shake things up and they’re staging an adaptation of some old sci-fi video game, about a group of people (aliens, I suppose) trying to reclaim their homeworld after an exile. Ed is playing the senior fleet intelligence officer. I’ve been to a few of his practices, and the character he plays, as well as the degree he gets into character, is extremely disturbing. It’s this extremely cold, callous, ultra-professional in a very nasty profession sort of character. He has another character tortured to death and later relates it to the other bridge crew/major characters with a completely casual “Subject did not survive interrogation.” He pretty much never shows anything on his face when playing the part, and several of the other characters are noticeably uneasy around his.

I get that Ed isn’t the characters he plays. But the way he shifts into this character and holds that role makes my flesh crawl. I’ve seriously considered pulling him out of the theater club over this, although I haven’t pulled the trigger on that so far. Am I going too far with this? Ed would hate it if I yanked him out, but at the same time I am convinced that playing this character is unhealthy.

—Theater Trouble

Dear Theater Trouble,

I think you could have stopped at “Ed isn’t the characters he plays”! Making him quit the club seems like it would be a massive overreaction. If you find him disturbing in this role, don’t you think that probably just speaks to his ability as an actor? If the club had stuck with Shakespeare and put on Othello, would you force him to give up the role of Iago?

I’m guessing that Ed likes theater club or he wouldn’t be a part of it. Instead of freaking out and yanking him from the production, maybe ask him how he feels and how it’s been going for him. What does he think about the play? How does he feel about his character? What sort of direction or input is he getting from the club? What other sorts of roles would he be interested in down the line? Let him tell you about the experience; the good things he gets out of participating. This is one role in one play—you may not like it, but try to remember that he’s an actor playing a part and let him enjoy it.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My (45F) sister (39F) is unexpectedly (delightedly) pregnant with her second child. Sis had to stop fertility treatments a couple years ago and got rid of the baby things she had hoped to reuse. Her first is now twelve. Our Aunt E (58F) is vociferous about how inappropriate a second baby shower is, but Sis is starting over from scratch with significant medical debt. The shower is being hosted by a friend who doesn’t give a shit about our aunt’s opinions and an invitation is not a subpoena.

I see E daily to help with medical care. Is there a gracious and infinitely repeatable phrase to discourage her rants about this? “It’s not my business” hasn’t worked and “shut up” is obviously out. I’m frankly considering having E get a professional care worker so I can babysit for my sister instead. I’d rather deal with literal poop than this BS. It’s not dementia, it’s “just how she is” (loud and bitter) and has always been.

—I Made a Quilt

Dear I Made a Quilt,

I’m not sure how much time you typically spend helping your aunt each day, but if it’s safe to leave when you want—and it seems it must be, or she’d have round-the-clock care?—you can tell her that you aren’t going to stand by and listen to her endlessly insult and complain about other members of the family, and if she insists on doing so in your presence, you’re going to wrap things up for the day and leave. You have to be willing to end the discussion and walk out. I don’t know if it will work, but it’s one boundary you can try to establish.

The problem is your aunt’s behavior and its effect on you, not her response to this one happy event. It sounds like you’re really fed up. It might be worth considering what the family’s other options are to meet her needs, including the professional health aides you’re thinking of hiring. I’m not suggesting that you completely cut your aunt out of your life, but it’s okay to think about whether the current care arrangement is sustainable. If she needs more help than you can provide, or you’re just feeling overwhelmed with everything you’re doing for her, maybe the situation needs to change for both your sakes.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My in-laws have always required multiple invitations for any event—dinner at our house, coming to our kids’ concerts/recitals/events, joining us for a trip to the zoo, etc. They decline the first couple offers with answers like “we wouldn’t want to intrude,” “we’re sure you’d enjoy doing that together just as a family,” etc., then will finally accept on the fourth-plus offer, letting us know that they’d very much enjoy doing whatever the invite is for. My husband said it’s how everything was with both sets of grandparents when he was growing up too. They had/have to decline multiple times to make sure that you’re not just offering out of obligation and actually want them to join. I have always found it annoying, but he handled all of it, so it really wasn’t my problem.

Well, my husband unexpectedly passed away six months ago. While keeping them in our lives is important to me, I don’t have the energy to invite my in-laws to everything five times. After they missed a family cookout and a school play in months two-three after his death, my SIL texted me letting me know that her parents had called her and said they were feeling left out and like I didn’t want them around the kids anymore. I spoke to them and told them that I’ve never understood the need to invite/decline multiple times, and I won’t be able to keep it up as my husband did. I told them that I would very much still like them to join us for all the things they previously did, but I would be inviting them to each event only once. If they decline that invitation, I will assume that means they are not available and will not bring it up again, but will maybe send some pictures afterward. If they accept, I will gladly welcome them to join us.

In the months since then, I’ve stuck to that. I’ve invited once, they’ve declined every event, and they’ve only seen their grandkids the one time I asked if we could go over there for dinner because the kids missed them. I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, who are loving and kind, but I don’t want to play games with adults where I essentially end up begging them to join us for every event. What’s my side of the responsibility here? I thought I took care of it by directly addressing them before. Do I need to repeat that to them and tell them I mean it? Do I need to invite them to everything five times despite their objections?

—Just Say Yes If That’s What You Want

Dear Just Say Yes,

Your in-laws’ behavior is incomprehensible, and I would be frustrated, too. I understand that they are grieving as well, and trying to figure out what their relationship with you will be now that your husband has passed. But it boggles the mind that they really expect you to cater to a bizarre wish for repeated invitations when you’re busy caring for your children and all of you are mourning. One invitation should really be enough! Especially if they love and want to be present with and for their grandchildren during a very hard time.

You’re already fulfilling your responsibility—you’re continuing to invite and include them. You’ve told them that they are truly welcome, and you want the kids to spend time with them; you just aren’t able to issue four or five invites every time. They’re the ones who aren’t fulfilling their responsibilities to you and their grandchildren. This weird dynamic is their creation; it’s not your fault.

You could try to address this with them one last time, perhaps turning it into a specific request on behalf of their grandchildren: “You know, the kids really miss you. This has been a terrible time for them. As you know, when we invite you to something, we really want you to be there—it would mean a lot if you would just say yes and show up for them, because they need you.”

If this continues and you really don’t have the energy or the desire to engage with it any longer, you might see if your sister-in-law would be willing to discuss their behavior with them. (I wish she’d done that in the first place, frankly, instead of calling you to say that they felt unwelcome.) She can also remind them that they need to be there for their grandchildren.

Ultimately, the ball is in your in-laws’ court—it’s their choice whether they will be there for your kids. You’re already doing what you can, trying to include them in your lives. I don’t think it is or should be your job to chase them down and insist on it.

Read what another Care and Feeding columnist had to say about this letter.

—Nicole

My daughter, “Elsa,” is 10 and has recently become interested in TikTok. So far, it’s harmless—my husband and I monitor what she looks at, she likes making silly videos, and it’s fun to make them together as a family. But I get worried about how it will be in a few years. It’s not even necessarily the potential for danger; I’m comfortable with addressing things like communicating with strangers and dangerous challenges. It’s more the idea of her getting caught up in this online world that kids live in these days. I see kids not much older than my daughter just glued to their devices, scrolling endlessly, talking about this TikTok person or that one, and I hate it.