My Son and Daughter-in-Law Are Making It Way Too Hard for Me to See My Grandbaby—and Other Advice From the Week
Slate publishes a lot of advice each week, so we’re pulling together a selection of our favorites. Here are a few of the most compelling questions from the week and links to hours of advice reading. This week: helping out with grandchildren, navigating kids’ bedtime, and potential sex toy misuse.
The Wrong Grandma: I am at my wits’ end with my daughter-in-law and her mother! My son and DIL have a new baby that I do not get to see very often, despite living close to them. HER mother on the other hand, lives about two hours away, but seems to see them several times a week. How do I know? My son and DIL have an app to upload photos of the baby (they don’t allow photos of the baby on Facebook and say it’s “too hard” to text me updates, which is a another can of worms). When I asked my son why she gets to see the baby more than I do, he said that she comes over to do chores. Well, I don’t see photos of her doing chores, I see selfies of her cuddling my grand baby! When they have deigned to invite me over, I have offered to do chores too. One time, my DIL told me that I was washing the bottles incorrectly. The next time I arrived, she had a note printed of steps to take to wash the bottles taped up to the fridge, like I was an idiot!
The other time, they asked me to scoop the kitty litter box, even though they know I am allergic to cats! Other times I have been over, she has pumped her breast milk right in front of me, and once asked if she could take a nap while my son was napping also. Sure, just go off to your marital bed while grandma is here! This week, I confronted my son about the lack of invitations. She then invited me to go to a baby music class at the community center with her and the baby, instead of being invited to their home. I am deeply offended. I am thinking that I should confront her directly this time instead of my son, but my sister says that I should keep communicating through my son, not with her. What do you think?
All Set for Bedtime: Twice a week, my husband works an overnight shift which means I put our kids (a 1-year-old girl and a 2-month-old boy) to bed on my own. He’s had this schedule for at least five years, so having to do bedtime alone wasn’t unexpected for me. Since our youngest was born and my husband went back to work, we’ve settled into a nice routine and it goes very smoothly nearly all of the time. But this doesn’t stop my mother-in-law from calling and/or texting every time my husband works that shift (also any other night he isn’t home) to ask if she should come over to “be another set of hands” for bedtime (often this call comes when I’m already well into the process).
The first month or so, I politely declined and thanked her for the offer every time. When she didn’t get the message, I switched to declining and telling her that I knew and appreciated that she was available to help and that I’d contact her if I ever felt her help was needed. My husband reiterated this, telling her she didn’t need to keep offering. But nothing changed. Recently, I told her that I put my phone on the charger and don’t have it with me during bedtime so it doesn’t distract the kids by going off (the truth), so there’s a good chance I won’t answer, and I’ve done just that (sometimes sending a text after the kids are down, letting her know that everyone’s asleep).
Last night, both kids were sick with a standard respiratory virus. My MIL called early to offer to come help since “it might be more difficult with them sick.” I thanked her and said they were doing well with meds, so I didn’t think bedtime would be an issue. I added that I didn’t think it was appropriate to have people over when the kids were sick anyway, as we didn’t want anyone to catch it, and I pointed out that she seems to get more severely ill than others when sick (I don’t think she actually gets sicker than other people, but she seems to think so—she gets very dramatic about it). She said that wasn’t my decision to make for her, and that if she was comfortable being around them, she could still come over. I told her it was true she could choose to be around my kids when sick if given the option, but if my husband and I don’t want anyone to come over due to illness, then she doesn’t get to overrule that. She hung up on me. I went about my night. After I got both kids to bed and was back into the kitchen finishing cleanup, I realized there was a car in the driveway. It was her. I went out to talk to her and she said she had come over “just to be ready” in case I needed her. I told her she needed to go home and start listening to what I’m telling her about our needs, not what she decides they are. It’s all so bizarre to me. When my husband and I talk to her, how can we make it clear that this needs to stop?
Concerned About Cock Ring: My husband has a weird habit and I want to know if it’s safe. He is very well-endowed: 9 inches long and 7 inches around. He chooses to wear a rubber cock ring not just during sex, but 24/7. He almost never takes it off. He’ll remove it to shower but that’s it.
Is this a safe practice? It doesn’t make him look hung because his penis is curved inwards, so even a full-on erection is invisible. Anyway, I just worry about his sexual health down the road. It seems pretty tight to me, even when he’s not erect.
More Money, More Problems: My partner and I are set to make a cross-country move from the East Coast to the West Coast this year, looking at a big cost-of-living jump (although our job offers compensate for this). We both make six figures, but he makes four times my salary. He is also considerably older than I am and, as a result, most of our savings are comprised of investments and money decisions he made before our relationship. I have always considered myself good with money, saving, and contributing to my 401(k) and an IRA, etc., but I feel uneasy laying any claim to his and have been unsure how to navigate the way it contributes to a power imbalance in our relationship.
This move has brought up something I don’t know how to address: my job offer is full-time, Monday through Thursday, with Fridays off. My partner feels that I should take on a part-time job on those Fridays in a related field well-known among those in the industry to be the highest-paying. It is also a notoriously bad work environment (and has received news coverage recently for being so): high burnout rates, endless pressure from corporate, inadequate staffing, long hours, etc. I worked for a company in this field many years ago and it was so bad I had to quit. I have no desire to return to this field but would be open to taking other work on Fridays, even if it was lower paying.
We are lucky to be able to afford our lifestyle with just our full-time jobs, but my partner sees my open Fridays as an opportunity to do more. We are by no means hurting for money, but I’m hesitant to say anything because I bring in so much less than him. Do I have any grounds to decline to take on part-time work in a field I hate? Am I being lazy by not wanting to do so?
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