Someone (or Something) Is Lurking in the Background of Jennifer Lopez's Gym Selfie

Is Jennifer Lopez OK?

Jenny from the Block, an inspiration to every one of us who gave up on the concept of physical fitness the moment quarantine began, is still sharing selfies in full (matching!) workout gear, surrounded by the majesty of her home gym. “If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you …,” the prophet Lopez captioned a recent post.

Business and abs and smoldering stares as usual, but ah, take a closer look … Behind Lopez’s right shoulder, past the white curtains …

IT’S … a man?? With a hand over his mouth? Or maybe a mask? Um … WHAT?!?

The most reasonable conclusion is that this is Alex Rodriguez, wearing a mask. But, if he and Lopez have been quarantining together this whole time, why would he be wearing a mask? Or, maybe that is his hand over his mouth because he’s checking J.Lo out in the periphery and damn.

Another theory? Lopez’s secret personal trainer is hiding in the wings. Perhaps they have a socially distanced routine — like, he shouts “Burpee! Burpee!” from at least six feet away.

It’s possible this is not a man at all, but an object bearing a face — a bag or a meticulously carved jack-o’-lantern?

Or, more worryingly, this is the scene in the horror film right before the victim locks eyes with their ghost/dinosaur/zombie who is standing RIGHT. BEHIND. THEM.

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OK, now for my favorite theory: That is Rodriguez’s hand, placed over the mouth of an Academy voter who failed to recognize Lopez’s Hustlers performance. He’s been sitting there since February and he will not be released until he can see the error in his ways. This now a hostage situation.

Jen, we deserve answers like you deserve that Oscar!