A Sociolinguist Explains What 'XOXO' Really Means
Variations of the expression XOXO have been in the cultural lexicon for years. Maybe you associate those two letters with Gossip Girl (or its recent reboot), which featured them as the cheeky sign-off that capped each episode of the original series. Or maybe, they bring to mind the hit Beyoncé song about the boy who loved her like ‘XO.’
Although both Gossip Girl and Beyoncé expressed XOXO phonetically, it’s deployed most often these days in casual, written exchanges. Its use has become so habitual, you probably don’t think twice before texting or emailing it any number of recipients. For years, I’ve even included it in certain professional correspondences (something I’m now seriously rethinking).
Symbolically, XOXO stands for hugs and kisses. In a romantic relationship, it’s typed-up sweet talk. Who wouldn’t appreciate that? Well, plenty of people—if you start throwing it around prematurely, says Susan Trotter, PhD, a relationship coach based in Boston. “Although it’s meant to convey affection in a lighthearted way, it can be misinterpreted as someone being more interested than they are if used too early in a developing relationship,” says Trotter. “It can absolutely be a turn-off if it's introduced too soon or too frequently.”
Meet the experts:
Susan Trotter, PhD, is a relationship coach based in Boston.
Valerie Fridland, PhD, is a sociolinguist and author of Like, Literally, Dude: Arguing for the Good in Bad English.
Marcel Danesi is a professor emeritus of anthropology at the University of Toronto and author of The History of the Kiss: The Birth of Popular Culture.
So, when is it okay to let your fingers do the XOXO talking? Women’s Health asked linguists and relationship experts to explain its origin, clarify its modern-day meaning, and weigh in on its appropriate use in different relationship scenarios.
Where did XOXO come from?
Ready to have your mind blown? XOXO might sound modern, but its origins may go all the way back to the Pyramids, with evidence that the letter X can be traced to Egyptian hieroglyphics, says Valerie Fridland, PhD, sociolinguist and author of the book, Like, Literally, Dude: Arguing for the Good in Bad English. Then, in the 4th Century, Constantine the Great designated it as a religious symbol of Christianity, hence the reason the December holiday is dubbed ‘Xmas.’
“In that way, it’s not hard to see how X became associated with kisses, because kisses were blessings. In the Middle Ages, people were not literate, most people could not write or read, so they would seal their letter with wax and put an X on it instead of a signature,” Fridland explains. “By the 19th century, it solidly meant a kiss.”
The decision to couple an X with an O, representing a hug, began sometime in the late 1800s but wasn’t cited by the Oxford English Dictionary until 1948, Fridland continues: “There are some interesting theories around it, the easiest being that O symbolizes the arms encircling.”
By the 21st century, XOXO had become a familiar shorthand in America, in part due to the general popularity of acronyms, says Fridland.
What does XOXO mean today?
At its most basic and widely interpreted definition, XOXO still signifies hugs and kisses. But X can also have X-rated connotations, says Marcel Danesi, professor emeritus of anthropology at the University of Toronto.
"It’s a sign of danger when put on bottles of alcohol or dynamite; it is a symbol marking treasure on a pirate’s map," Danesi explains. "Maybe this sense of mystery, the forbidden, and excitement is built into that symbol, since it evokes something that, in the past, has been considered forbidden: sexual passion. The O emphasizes the romantic side—hence union, or XOXO.”
But don’t throw up just yet if you’ve used it on an aunt or uncle. Fridland maintains that its meaning obviously changes for relatives, and also tends to differ among generations, largely due to changes in technology. Prior to home computers and cell phones, letter-writing was a more common form of communication.
“In an older person from a writing generation, it was a sign-off not only for intimate relationships, but for friends and family,” says Fridland. “Today, younger people use it frequently because of texting. In some ways, it's lost its intimacy and become a simple friendly acknowledgement.”
It’s harmless when used platonically among friends or family members as an expression of fondness, confirms Trotter. However, there are several factors to evaluate before whipping it out amorously. Keep reading.
When can I use XOXO in my romantic relationship?
The short answer, says Trotter, is that it depends on how deep the established connection is. In a relationship that’s developed beyond a few dates and after mutual feelings have been shared–the key word being mutual–it’s totally fine to use XOXO along with the preferred emojis of your choosing, says Trotter.
Once your reciprocated feelings have been confirmed, don’t worry too much about typing XOXO before you’ve exchanged the ‘L’ word. XOXO is more relaxed and doesn’t necessarily carry the same gravity as love.
If you’re in a gray zone (like a crush or a friends with benefits situation), hold off until you’re certain XOXO is the message you want to put forward to the other party, Trotter advises. In a potentially lovey-dovey or sexual context, “using XOXO is appropriate only with someone you’re sure you actually want to hug and kiss romantically,” she says. “Be thoughtful about it in those situations!”
Ultimately, “a good rule of thumb is anything that you wouldn’t feel comfortable verbalizing in person is probably something you want to avoid via text,” says Trotter. That goes for XOXO, the ‘L’ word, and even kissing emojis.
When should I (probably) not use it?
Trotter and Fridland agree that XOXO is not the most professional look at work, especially when interacting with someone at a senior level. “You want to really be careful, [because] it could be misinterpreted with people who hold status over you,” says Fridland.
Historically, women have felt a greater need to include it in business correspondence, Fridland adds. She points to a 2012 Atlantic report, which claimed that even high-powered female executives sometimes use a form of XOXO to soften direct language or avoid being viewed as brusque, something men usually don’t worry about. The takeaway is this: do not use it on your boss, but if you’re inclined to insert it when addressing a professional peer, consider whether or not there’s a chance the recipient might find it too intimate or informal. If there is, delete.
Your international pals may not fully appreciate it, either. Both Fridland and Danesi say that XOXO is generally recognized in the United States and perhaps a few other countries, but not globally. “There are cultures where it makes no sense,” states Danesi. “To understand a symbol, one must have access to its cultural code.” Echoes Fridland: “It really is a very American thing.”
When it comes to romance, Trotter emphasizes that while it’s okay to use in a relationship in which affection is being openly expressed. “It only leads to problems if you use it too early or in a cavalier way,” she says. Wait a beat until you’re certain the other person is ready to receive that type of warm, loving gesture.
In a nutshell: Before using XOXO, bear in mind the message it's sending and, most importantly, to whom it's being sent. With family and friends, let it rip; at work, it’s unnecessary, but do it on a case by case basis if you must. Romantically, use your judgment, taking into account where you stand as a couple and if the timing is right. You’ll thank me for it. XOXO, Women’s Health.
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