How Can I Socialize More When It Makes Me So Uncomfortable?
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Martha Beck is a sociologist and life coach and the author of The Way of Integrity. In this mini advice series, she’s answering readers’ most urgent “what if?” questions as they contemplate redirecting their lives towards a new future.
I’ve never been the most social person, but the pandemic really did me in. It was like I had finally found enough alone time. Now I feel like I have an opportunity to be different, or at least make different choices and potentially change my life. Since the spring, I’ve been trying to go out more with friends, but I can’t shake the anxiety and discomfort I feel in group settings. I’ve even skipped a few outings, thinking I just needed a break, but then I feel left out and even a little depressed. I really want to broaden my social circle. How do I continue to leave my comfort zone even though that feels stressful?
Company and solitude are like nutrients: We all need both of them, but in varying amounts. An extrovert may need lots of interaction and just a little solitude to feel balanced. You seem to be more of an introvert, which means that your health depends on getting a nice big dose of solitude every day, along with enough social interaction to feel connected.
Notice that the solitude you experienced during the pandemic unexpectedly satisfied an unmet need (“I had finally found enough alone time”). It sounds almost as if you managed to quench a kind of long-felt thirst. But you don’t mention craving more time with people these days—just feeling left out and depressed when you take a solitude break. That doesn’t sound like a need for more company. It’s just the fear of missing out, which is very different.
Our lives are far happier when we focus on doing what we love, as opposed to simply avoiding what we fear. You love having time for solitude but fear being left out. Do you see the difference? Try this: When you fear you’re not social enough, take a few deep breaths, come back to a state of calm, and notice if you long to be with others. If you do, then it’s time to reach out and connect. If you don’t—if you’re only acting on vague nervousness that you need to be more extroverted—keep giving yourself the gift of solitude.
If you practice focusing on operating from love rather than fear, you’ll eventually find the balance point between company and space that’s perfect for you. Then you can establish a rhythm with friends and loved ones that keeps you at your happiest. You’ll be happy when you’re with people, and happy when you aren’t. And that’s the way your life is meant to feel.
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