Social Graces: Is it rude to ask if a person died from the coronavirus?
Q: One of your friends posted on social media that a loved one passed away. Is it OK to ask if the person died of COVID-19?
A: This is an interesting point to consider as we are all wrestling with the effects of COVID-19. As it’s a social media “friend” who had a loved one who passed away, I think it’s a good idea to think through how we respond before we post a comment or DM with a question about how the loved one passed away.
Whenever we hear of someone passing, if we are not aware of the cause, it’s a normal response to wonder how it happened. Was the person ill? Was it an accident? Was it self-inflicted? This is why holding our tongue and thinking through our responses when sensitive situations arise is paramount.
I recommend thinking through your response and leaning toward “less is more” for the time being. Your friend is going through the grieving process, and you should make that your primary concern by empathizing, supporting and helping. Once you have addressed these three ways of loving a hurting friend, you will probably discover the cause of death. Either ask another friend who is close to the source how the loved one passed away, or wait until it plays out and your question is addressed organically. The only change would be if you were in close contact with the loved one or if you have a medical reason for needing to know.
— Dr. Melanie Ross Mills, relationship expert and temperament therapist
A: A year of firsts. Because COVID-19 is a new disease, there is still much to learn about it. Social media is about the only thing that binds our society, from pandemiquette memes to COVID-19 updates. If you read online that someone has died, asking how oversteps social bounds. The rule is simple: If no one volunteers, it’s none of your business.
People die every day from a wide range of illnesses. A question about the death may come across as insensitive and force that person to make excuses for their loved ones to maintain their privacy. Further, it may bring back unnecessary pain of the loss all over again.
If an obituary doesn’t offer the cause of death, never ask. While death will become all of us, this outbreak has altered the way in which we live.
No matter what your intentions are, it’s rude to ask how someone died. A good rule of thumb is to say, “I’m sorry for your loss. How can I help?”
— Lisa Grotts, etiquette expert
