How to Get a “Sleep Divorce” and Stay Happily Married, According to a Couples Therapist
Sharing a bed with a partner can be wonderful in many ways—but though this is the default for couples in the U.S., the number of those with partners who decide to sleep in separate rooms is on the rise. Nearly one in four couples chooses this arrangement, and almost half say they’d be willing to try it.
What is a sleep divorce?
The short answer: sleeping separately from your partner in order to get better sleep—whether that’s strategically seeking refuge from your partner's snoring or their constant tossing and turning. You may also seek separate sleeping arrangements because you have different sleeping preferences, for example, one person likes to sleep in cooler temperatures, while the other person is more comfortable with lots of blankets.
The benefits of sleep divorce
The term “sleep divorce” has a negative connotation, but for some couples sleeping separately can actually lead to increased closeness and intimacy. In fact, good-quality sleep has been shown to be an important indicator of relationship health: A study from The Ohio State University showed that it could improve communication and reduce conflict and irritability over time.
So if sleeping with your partner is making it hard for you to get seven or more restful hours per night, it may be worth considering separate sleep spaces. The truth is, a survey by the Better Sleep Council showed that about one in four people just sleeps a whole lot better alone—and this is especially true when you or your partner has a sleep disorder, disruptive snoring, night terrors, or restless leg syndrome. Not to mention that being consistently woken up by your partner is a good recipe for resentment over time. Some couples will make the switch when they have opposite work schedules or when they’re in the new-parent zone, perhaps trading off who has the baby monitor in their room so at least one of them can get a full night’s rest.
Of course, this arrangement is not ideal for all. If you’re making this choice to avoid conflict, one-on-one time, or sex and intimacy, sleeping apart may just drive a wedge between the two of you.
Sleeping in separate beds: How to make it work
If you’re considering this option, the key is to have clear conversations about why you’d like to make the switch and whether you see it as a long-term change or a temporary one. Having a shared narrative about the reasons will also help you explain it to your kids (or your friends, if you decide to tell them about it and you’re worried about their judgment).
For many couples, the only real touchpoints in an otherwise hectic day are before bed and first thing in the morning. If you’re sleeping separately, be mindful of how you’re going to get that daily time for contact and intimacy. Maybe you’ll aim for a snuggle on the couch after dinner, or perhaps you’ll both get in bed for a daily catch-up before going your separate ways to snooze. Being intentional about time together will help prevent a feeling of disconnection over time.
And of course, talk about sex! One potential upside: You may notice that it feels good to shift away from having sex that seems expected just because you happen to be in bed together and intentionally carve out time for intimacy. Consider having some sexy sleepovers!
If you’re on different pages about sleeping together or separately, talk it through and try to build in exceptions and compromise. Remember, neither option is objectively better—it’s about what works best for you both.
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