My Sister Betrayed Me in the Worst Way. But Our Parents Keep Trying to Force Us Together.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I made the mistake of letting my sister, her boyfriend, and their son move in with me while I was trying to sell my house and move to another state. The idea was that they would spend a few months rent-free and get back on their feet. Right as I found a buyer, my sister announced she was pregnant and that she and her boyfriend would not be leaving without a legal eviction. The sale was in jeopardy, and I was trying to close on my new house with all my stuff in storage. It was so stressful I lost 20 pounds. I ended up paying my sister and her boyfriend to leave without a fuss and cut them out of my life. This was three years ago.

The problem is my parents refuse to respect that. They are obsessed with their grandbabies and keep bringing them up when we talk. The last time I visited, they lied and said it would just be the three of us, and then they dropped the bomb that my sister was bringing the kids over. I left and took an early flight home. My parents complained that I “overreacted.” I told them unless they want the kids traumatized by watching their aunt beat the ever-loving shit out of their mother, they should never do that again. My sister happily and deliberately screwed me over after I took her in and there is no going back on that. I love my parents, but I don’t intend to see my sister or her family until their funerals.

—Cut Off

Dear Cut Off,

There’s really nothing more you can do aside from reminding your parents of your estrangement from your sister and continuing to remove yourself from any situation in which they try to get the two of you together. Your parents may understand your reasons for being angry at your sister, but they can’t make peace with the idea of you all being disconnected for life. They love you both and can focus on the good times between the two of you in the past without being impacted by how she betrayed you. Let them know in advance of any visits that you will leave if your sister shows up and that you would appreciate it if they didn’t allow you to spend money on a trip that will invariably be cut short. When your parents bring your sister or her kids up on phone calls, remind them that you have no relationship with them, and that will not change in the future. Hopefully, they will eventually get the message, but if not, you’ll just have to keep asserting your stance.

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex and I have been divorced for over a year. I adopted her two youngest, ages 9 and 8. Her 14-year-old daughter “Cassie” never warmed up to me as a father figure and started acting out around age 11. She would constantly throw fits if she didn’t get her way, saying she hated her mom, and wished she died rather than their father. She got expelled from middle school for fighting and stealing. Cassie was in private therapy, and we did family therapy. It failed in large part because my wife couldn’t hold the line. Any step forward, she would balk and give in to Cassie, making things worse. I threw in the towel after Cassie had a fight with her sister and deliberately let her parakeets outside. They never came back, and my daughter was beyond devastated, so I grounded Cassie from a dance competition. Dance is Cassie’s passion and the only thing that seems to get through to her. Her mother reversed the punishment and let Cassie go.

I have the younger two girls about 70 percent of the time, so their mother pays me child support. My ex recently asked me to give back the child support since her rent has gone up, and Cassie’s dance lessons, costumes, and competitions are quite expensive. I told her that wasn’t my concern and that the court had decided what was fair. She threw in my face that I kept the house, and she couldn’t afford a house in our area anymore. The house was a pre-marital asset, and I couldn’t afford to stay in the same school district if I sold it. I told her to remember she had two other children besides Cassie, but that was a waste of words. Since then, our co-parenting relationship has hit rock bottom, and it is seriously affecting the two kids we have together. I want what is best for Cassie but I learned to accept it is out of my hands. So what do I do now?

—No Dance

Dear No Dance,

Can you afford to take care of your household without child support, or with a reduced amount? If so, you may consider revisiting the terms of the financial agreement between the two of you, because it sounds like your ex is having a hard time making ends meet (granted, dance expenses are not essential, but they mean a lot to Cassie, so it makes sense that her mother is trying to keep up with them.) If you’d be okay losing some or all of these payments, it would mean a lot to your children’s mother, and an act like that would probably go a long way towards repairing your co-parenting relationship. The court may have determined that what she is paying is fair, but only you know if it is essential. If a more equitable split in the children’s time is feasible, it may lessen her financial burden and bring peace between the two of you.

If none of these changes work for your respective households, let your ex know that you are reliant on her payments to take care of the kids and that you aren’t accepting them out of spite. Tell her you want to have a good relationship with her and point out how your discord impacts your daughters. Ask if there is anything else you can do to try and make things easier for her, and let her know that you are willing to do what it takes to have peace with her for the sake of your kids. Hopefully, she will realize that beefing with you solves nothing and she’ll be willing to put your daughters’ needs in front of her distaste for you.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the only one in my family who isn’t a morning person. Talking in the morning isn’t just annoying to me, it’s like nails on a chalkboard or being pinched—it elicits an involuntary reaction of cringe, ire, and retreat. My mother takes it really personally. She’s repeatedly accused me of being rude or mad at her, and the simple truth is I just don’t want to talk in the morning, at all, to anybody. I have been explaining this for years, now I actually feel SHE’S being rude for not respecting this simple boundary. It starts both our days off wrong, so I stay in my room until she’s out of the house, no matter how much I need the bathroom, food, or water. The message of “it’s not you, it’s me” is not getting through at all. I just don’t know what to do anymore! What do you recommend?

—Don’t Poke the Bear

Dear Don’t Poke,

You should share this article and this one with your mom; they discuss research that has found that being a “morning person” or a “night owl” is biologically determined. In other words, your grumpiness in the morning is not a character flaw, nor is it something you can easily change. It’s possible that you have delayed sleep phase disorder; according to the Mayo Clinic, people with this condition often go to sleep and wake up later than they want. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? Talk to your mother about making an appointment to speak to a doctor about how you’re feeling in the mornings; she may have some recommendations to help make things better, such as taking melatonin or going to bed earlier. Don’t try and talk to your mom about these things in the morning, when you’re in the thick of it; approach her later in the day when you’re feeling like yourself and can speak clearly about what you experience when you wake up. Continue trying to reach her and push for her to take you to see a professional so you can get the support you deserve.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Our 7-year-old has become incredibly inflexible with activities and refuses to do any summer camps or other programs unless he knows his friends will be there. As a result, we’ve dialed back activities, but he has to go to camp and will only agree to a program if he knows his friends will be there. One of his good friends moved to the burbs, so this is getting harder and harder to guarantee. Help! (Longtime listener and Slate Plus member here. Thanks so much.)

—Hostage to Approved Hobbies

Dear Hostage,

Thank you for supporting Slate and Care and Feeding! Your 7-year-old should not be making the final decision about what programs he will or will not attend. He should be allowed to voice his opinion, but ultimately, his parents are the ones who get to decide what he’ll be doing for the summer and on weekends. Talk to your son about the fact that these activities are a great way to make new friends. Explain to him that, particularly during the summer, he has to go somewhere during the day and you won’t always be able to choose that location based on what his existing friends are doing. Share some memories with him from your own experiences of making friends at camp or during extracurricular activities. Your son may feel nervous about his ability to meet new people. Check out Kid Confidence: How to Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilance and Develop Real Self-Esteem for strategies to help him feel good about interacting with strangers. Read Let’s Play: A Book About Making Friends with him. Be intentional about choosing programs that align with your son’s interests and let him know that there will be children there who’d be glad to be his friend. Talk to teachers and counselors at these activities about your son’s hesitancy and ask for them to support him as he adjusts to his new environment.

—Jamilah