What Are the Signs of Love Bombing?
Medically reviewed by Stephanie Hartselle, MD
Love bombing involves bombarding a person (usually a romantic partner) with attention and affection. A love bomber might shower you with compliments and gifts, for example.
While this may seem like normal behavior for someone who is newly infatuated, love bombing is, in fact, a manipulation tactic. People who love bomb are looking to obtain power and control at the beginning of a relationship. Love bombing is commonly associated with narcissism.
Read on to learn more about love bombing and why it's a relationship red flag.
Verywell / Ellen Lindner
What Is Love Bombing?
The term "love bombing" dates back to the 1970s. It is associated with the Unification Church (a religious sect commonly considered a cult). In this context, love bombing referred to the tactics of excessive flattery and admiration used by members to recruit more people into the group.
Excitement and displays of affection are usual at the beginning of a relationship, but love bombing behaviors are excessive.
At first, the love bomber showers their partner with gifts, praise, and other gestures that appear flattering on the surface. However, these tactics are manipulative, meant to groom their partners, isolate them from friends and family, and secure themselves as the most critical person in their partner's life. The goal is to ultimately make their partner emotionally and socially dependent.
Love Bombing and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Love bombing is commonly associated with narcissism. People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) see themselves as unique and deserving of admiration; they feel entitled and disrespect the needs of others. This does not stem from self-love but rather the fear of being undesired. People with NPD often have low self-esteem.
A person with NPD or narcissistic tendencies engages in love bombing to receive praise and admiration. The intention is not to show genuine affection but to exhibit control and for personal gain.
As the relationship continues, the person becomes manipulative in other ways, such as by being distant and cold. Love bombing can ultimately lead to other forms of emotional abuse such as gaslighting (a manipulation tactic that causes a person to doubt their reality).
While many people who love bomb have narcissistic personality disorder, that is not always the case. Attachment style and other factors can also play a role.
Why Is Love Bombing a Major Red Flag?
Love bombing allows an abusive person to build their partner up before tearing them down. Abusers use love bombing to gain their partner's trust and adoration, getting them to open up, learning their weaknesses, and ultimately using that against them.
People with narcissistic tendencies can be very charming, likable, and exciting. The manipulation can happen slowly, and the control may go unnoticed at first. This "charm" usually goes away after the initial stage of the relationship, replaced by belittling and emotional abuse.
It's essential to recognize love bombing not as a sign of affection but as the first step in creating a toxic and controlling relationship.
Signs You’re Being Love Bombed
A love bomber may use different tactics, but the overall feeling is that it is "too much, too soon." Here are eight tactics a love bomber may use:
They Shower You With Gifts
Giving gifts is not uncommon in relationships, but with love bombing, gifts tend to be excessive and usually come with expectations of praise, validation, compliance, or something else in return.
Being lavished with gifts, especially pricey ones (such as trips, expensive jewelry, or designer handbags) early in a relationship can be a warning sign, as can offering financial support without prompting, such as paying your rent, bills, or other expenses.
They Can’t Stop Giving Compliments
Compliments are nice, but making grand statements when you're still getting to know another person is problematic.
Phrases like "My life would be nothing without you," and declarations of love early in a relationship make for good romantic movies but are red flags in genuine relationships.
If the person is saying things that make you feel uncomfortable early on, or before you know each other well enough for them to feel valid, this person may be love bombing you.
They Tell You What You Want to Hear
One way to "get you on their side" or convince you that they are your perfect match is for a love bomber to agree with everything you say and tell you what you want to hear, whether they actually agree or feel these things or not.
They’re Big on Showing Affection
Being too familiar and affectionate too early on, when the length and depth of the relationship don't warrant it, can be a warning sign.
Calling you their "other half" or their "soulmate" weeks into a relationship—or before enough time and interaction has passed to have a fundamental understanding of another person—and placing you on a pedestal can mean a more significant issue is at play, especially if it makes you feel anxious.
They Want Your Undivided Attention
It's not unusual to want to spend a lot of time with your partner, especially when you are newly in a relationship. But if your partner feels entitled to or possessive of your time, that is a sign of potential abuse.
Do they:
Expect you to respond to texts or calls immediately?
Expect you to prioritize spending time with them to the detriment of your time and relationships with friends and family or time to yourself?
Want to see you alone without other people?
Get irritated, angry, or "stonewall" you when you want to spend time with others?
Want you to distance yourself from your friends and family or isolate yourself from others?
Request that you end friendships?
Expecting to have control over your time and with whom you spend it is a warning sign in a relationship.
They Call and Text Frequently
Being frequently in touch with your partner is natural in a new relationship, but feeling overwhelmed by communication is not.
If your partner constantly calls, texts, or contacts you on social media, making you uncomfortable, then it's time to discuss your comfort levels and boundaries with them.
If they continue to contact you more than you feel OK with or are aggressive with their timing or tone, that is a red flag.
They Get Upset When You Put Up Boundaries
You are entitled to have boundaries and limits, and you get to control your own life. If your partner does not respect these boundaries or gets angry when you enforce them, that is possession and emotional manipulation.
This may upset them when you shift your focus elsewhere, such as answering a phone call during a date.
They may accuse you of being selfish and portray themselves as a victim when you exercise your own will instead of doing what they want you to. This is controlling behavior, not a healthy relationship dynamic.
Related: How to Set Healthy Boundaries
You Feel Like You’re Walking on Eggshells
Because love bombing is a manipulative technique meant to establish control, the initial admiration shifts into further emotional abuse.
The abuser may get "set off" easily and become defensive or abusive if criticized or challenged. They may be irrational and volatile, raging when they don't get their way.
In addition, people who love bomb may also employ other controlling or abusive tactics, such as gaslighting.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse used by abusers to hold power and control over their partners.
By deliberately questioning facts, denying their partner's memories, and undermining their partner's judgment, they cause their partner to question their perceptions of reality and the validity of their thoughts and memories. This may make their partner feel like they're "going crazy."
How to Get Help
If you are noticing signs of love bombing (either in someone else or even in yourself), it's important to acknowledge it and respond.
If You’re Being Love Bombed
Listen to what your gut is telling you. If you are feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable, these are valid feelings that deserve investigating.
You may feel confused, have difficulty interpreting your feelings, or even use denial as a defense mechanism.
Discussing your partner's behavior, your relationship, and how you feel about it with a trusted friend or confidante may be helpful. They can offer you insight from a perspective outside of the relationship.
It may also help to journal what is happening in your relationship. This provides a reference for keeping your memories straight should gaslighting occur.
Suppose you feel safe doing so and want to continue in the relationship. In that case, you can discuss your feelings with your partner and work on establishing boundaries that allow you to feel comfortable and respected.
If your partner resists or does not respect these boundaries, that is a potentially dangerous red flag.
If you have a bad feeling about something, don't ignore it. Instead, enlist the help of friends, family, or a mental health professional.
Help Is Available
If you are experiencing abusive behaviors, professionals can offer help and support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has resources available, as well as a phone number to call (1-800-799-7233) and a number to text (text "START" to 88788).
The Crisis Text Line offers a number to text (text HOME to 741741) to connect with a crisis counselor and other resources. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database
Related: The Complete Guide to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
If You’re the One Love Bombing
If you are or think you may be love bombing someone else, it's essential to speak with a mental health professional.
The reasons behind your behavior could be related to mental health or attachment factors that can be addressed with the help of a therapist or another mental health professional.
How Is Love Bombing Different From a Loving Relationship?
A relationship with a love bomber is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. A healthy relationship between two people, on the other hand, is defined by:
Trusting the other person
Feeling safe
Being able to communicate openly
Respecting the other person
Being equals
Feeling comfortable disagreeing with the other person or setting boundaries
Summary
Love bombing is a tactic in which a person uses excessive and disproportionate gestures of affection to manipulate and establish control over their partner.
This can include elaborate gift-giving, excessive complimenting, wanting undivided attention, and other manipulative tactics.
Love bombing is commonly associated with narcissism and often progresses into emotional abuse. Love bombing behavior should be seen as a relationship red flag.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does love bombing last?
There is no set time for how long love bombing lasts, but those who have experienced it have indicated it can last for several months.
How do you stop love bombing?
If you are love bombing someone or have in past relationships, talk to a mental health professional. They can help you determine why and how to address your behavior.
Read the original article on Verywell Health.
