Signs of Grief in Children and How To Help Them Cope

Kids grieve differently than adults, so it's important to know how to recognize the signs that they are grieving and what you can do to help them cope.

Kids often process and display complex emotions like grief differently from adults. So when a child is grieving, you might not even recognize it as grief. But just because it doesn't look like the grief you're familiar with, doesn't mean their grief is any less real. What's more, children aren’t too young to grieve. Here's what to know about grief in children, including how children understand death, signs of grief in kids, and how to help them cope.

How Children Understand Death

Grief in children is tricky because younger children may not fully understand the concept of death and its permanence. A child might even believe that death is temporary—a belief that may be supported by media (such as cartoons that show characters coming back to life) and the euphemistic language we often use surrounding death (such as phrases like "passed away" and "gone to sleep").

Consequently, younger kids often miss loved ones who have died in small spurts and may only express sadness for a few minutes every now and again. But because they have trouble understanding that death is permanent, they won’t fully grasp what the loss means to their life. For example, it’s common for a younger child to say they understand that Grandpa isn’t coming back, only to then ask if Grandpa will be attending their next birthday party.

Just like how understanding of death varies by age, so do the signs of grief in children. As a parent or caregiver, it’s important to recognize when your child is grieving so you can help them process and cope with their difficult emotions. One study found that interventions can help a child cope with a loss in a healthy way and help prevent the development of mental health issues or traumatic grief.

Signs of Grief in Children

When an adult grieves, it often seems ever-present, even in moments of happiness. Children who are grieving, however, often seem fine one moment, only to become very upset the next. This switch is because their brains can’t seem to cope with the sadness for long periods of time.

The Link Between Grief in Children and Denial

In the early stages of grief, it’s normal for children to experience some denial that their loved one is gone. They may continue to expect the person who died to show up at any moment. This denial is normal for a while, but over time, the reality of the loss should begin to sink in, especially with older children.

Whether the loved one who died was a pet, teacher, neighbor, friend, or family member, here are some signs of grief you might see after the loss.

Clinginess

Children may be extra clingy after a loss. They may not want to go to school or they might ask for help for tasks they previously mastered just to get your attention. Infants and toddlers can sense the distress in their caregivers, so they might respond by being irritable, crying more, and wanting to be held even if they aren’t aware of the loss.

Developmental regression

Toddlers and preschoolers may start wetting the bed or stop sleeping through the night. Meanwhile, a small child might revert to crawling, baby talk, or want to drink from a bottle again.

Academic issues

Older children and teenagers who have experienced loss often show grief by falling behind in studies or failing classes that they once aced. They also may have trouble concentrating on tasks or fail to complete assignments.

Sleeping problems

Grief-stricken children might want to sleep with parents or others close to them, or they could have nightmares or dreams about the person who died. Meanwhile, older children may have a bit of insomnia or may be afraid of death, which keeps them from sleeping.

Difficulty concentrating

Sometimes children who are grieving aren't able to focus on any particular activity or have trouble making decisions or solving problems. They also struggle to focus and may appear distracted or lost in space.

Anxiety

Both children and teens may start to worry about everything, but particularly about other people in their life dying. If your child develops anxiety, they will need reassurance that they will be safe and looked after on a daily basis. This need is particularly evident among preschoolers.

Feelings of abandonment

Children might feel betrayed, rejected, or abandoned by the person who died, and perhaps by others as well. Consequently, they may need to be reassured that you will be there for them.

Tip

Make sure you keep your promises, especially during this time, so that these fears about abandonment don't persist.

Behavioral reactions

Children of all ages may react to grief by displaying behavioral problems that didn’t exist before. They may begin acting out in school or talking back at home. Likewise, teenagers may be drawn to riskier behavior, such as drinking or taking drugs.

Guilt

It’s common for kids to blame themselves for a loved one’s death. Children might think it’s their fault because they once wished the person would “go away” or they might somehow think their actions caused the person’s death.

Changes in play

Young children may start talking about death in their pretend play more. Their stuffed animals, dolls, or action figures may die and come back to life. If you witness this behavior, recognize that your child is grieving the loss.

When To Get Professional Help

Not all children who are grieving need grief counseling, but it’s important to be on the lookout for signs that your child is having an especially difficult time processing the loss. Here are some warning signs that might indicate your child could benefit from seeing a mental health professional:

• Excessively imitating the person who died: It’s normal for kids to say things like, “I want to eat chocolate chip cookies because that’s what Grandpa liked best.” If your child is excessively imitating the person who died, it may mean your child is struggling to deal with their emotions.

• Believing they are talking to the person who died: It's common for children to say they saw or talked to the person who died once in a while. But when children insist they continue to see the person or have ongoing conversations with them, seek professional help.

• Experiencing an extended period of depression: Sadness is normal, but a prolonged loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities could be a sign your child is struggling. Mental health concerns like depression or anxiety can develop after a loss.

• Symptoms that worsen with time: Your child’s symptoms, like clinginess or difficulty sleeping, should resolve gradually over time. If your child’s symptoms are getting worse, it could be a sign they need professional help to deal with their feelings.

• Repeatedly expressing a desire to join the person who died: If your child says they want to be dead or that they wish they could die to be with their loved one, don’t take those statements lightly. Suicidal ideation is a big red flag, and it’s important to talk to your child’s doctor or a mental health professional.

Resources for Suicide Prevention

If your child is having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

Children who are having difficulty coping with a loss may benefit from grief counseling. Grief counseling may involve individual therapy, family therapy, or group treatment.

If you suspect your child is struggling to deal with a loss, you can start by talking to your child’s pediatrician. Their pediatrician may be able to assess your child’s needs and refer you to an appropriate treatment provider.

How To Help a Child Cope With Grief

It’s not easy for an adult to deal with their own grief while also helping a child with their grief. But it's important to help kids learn how to cope. Here are some strategies you can use to help your child deal with their grief.

Be honest

Using euphemisms, such as "they passed away," “we lost him,” or “she’s sleeping now,” can confuse and scare a child. It’s important for children to understand that the person isn’t just sleeping or lost, but that their body stopped working and they are not coming back. Of course, gruesome details aren’t necessary, but you should make a point to tell the truth.

Acknowledge the loss

It’s up to you to decide if it’s appropriate for your child to attend the funeral or other end-of-life rituals. But, if your child is scared to go, don’t force them to attend. You can find other ways to acknowledge your child’s loss. For example, you can write a letter to the loved one, hold your own private celebration of life, light a candle, or create a scrapbook at home.

Allow space for them to express thoughts

Provide spaces for your child to share what they are thinking. One study found that chances to discuss their thoughts about death benefit children.

Be patient

A child’s grief cycles in and out, and to an adult, it can feel like they’re dwelling on the loss after you thought they had moved on. It's crucial to be patient and respond with comfort and truth every time they return to a moment of grief.

Tip

A reminder, such as the anniversary of the death, holidays, or even an activity the child used to enjoy with the person who died, could reawaken the grieving process. Take the opportunity to lean into those reminders and encourage your child to share good memories. Lead by example by sharing your own special memory of the loved one.

Loop in other caregivers

Your child's other caregivers, such as daycare staff, teachers, and even babysitters should be made aware of what’s going on with the family so they can be prepared to support your child when needed. They should be told a little information about the death and who they can turn to if they see signs of distress in your child. Together you can come up with a game plan for how they can support your child if they’re having an emotional moment while in their care.

Take care of yourself

Your child will look to you to see how to deal with their feelings, so it’s important to make sure you’re taking care of yourself and your grief, too. Talk about your feelings openly, being careful not to burden your child with them. It may be helpful for you to speak with a grief counselor or to attend a grief support group to help you care for your emotions so you can continue to show up for your child.

Read books about grief

Your child may benefit from reading stories about loss, death, and grief. Be prepared to answer questions about what happens to people when they die. And if you don’t know the answer, it’s OK to say you aren’t sure but that you can find the answer and circle back.

When Grief in Children Is Delayed

You might not see many signs of grief in your child immediately following a loss, especially if they are young. But that doesn't mean you won't see signs of grief years later.

A four-year-old whose father has died won't understand the finality of death at the time. But when they're 10 and there's a father-daughter dance or a father-son fishing trip, they might begin to show signs of grief as the reality of what they lost really sinks in.

Similarly, a 7-year-old might seem to resolve their grief rather quickly after their grandparent dies. But during their teenage years, they may show signs of grief as they begin to understand the things they missed out on by not having their grandparent in their life, or they may regret not spending more time with them when they were alive. 

Tip

There’s no timeline when it comes to grief, no matter how young or old a person is. Grief is a process, and it’s not productive to suggest that it’s time for a child to “get over it"—even if you wish they would.

Know that grief may last a lifetime, but with support, it can turn into healing for the whole family.

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