My sex addiction took over my life and nearly drove me to suicide: ‘I hurt people’
For one woman, sex addiction took over her life — and pushed her to the brink of suicide.
A 35-year-old named Amanda opened up recently on the podcast We’re All Insane with host Devorah Roloff, about how her obsession with intimacy has given her a warped sense of love.
Amanda — who asked to remain partially anonymous — noted that she continuously bed-hopped after her first boyfriend left her when she was 26, also attributing her sexually-active lifestyle to her upbringing.
She noted she was raised by a single mom who was often “cold” towards her.
“I know a lot of that stems from her mom and then her mom’s mom, it’s just a vicious cycle,” she said.
Her rocky relationship with her mom caused her to “gravitate towards toxicity” when it came to men, using sex as a form of “control” in order to get her “fix.”
Seeing her own parent jump from one love affair to another, caused Amanda to not believe in romance and forced her to realize that relationships weren’t just about being intimate.
Amanda then detailed her experience with her first boyfriend, whom she just identified as “E.”
They had an on-again/off-again liaison for 12 years, which she described as “aggressive” due to E’s drinking problem.
The relationship turned toxic as there was no “love-making” during their rendezvous. She eventually fell pregnant, however, she lost the baby and E left her.
Once he departed, Amanda tried to alleviate the pain of losing her son by having sex with anyone that came her way.
“I was just playing the field in a very irresponsible way because I hurt people that really didn’t need to be hurt,” she said.
Amanda went on: “It was just all for my instinct gratification of taking my control back and feeding my ego and everything in between that I felt like I had lost for so long.”
“I was just a mess to say the least, my life state was very very low, I just felt like I was just surviving, getting by, doing what I had to do and very numb very very numb.”
Two years later after her split with E, she began a “situationship” with a man named Em. However, she continued to have relations with other people at the same time and she kept her unfaithfulness a secret from Em.
Em broke up with her after he found out about the affairs.
“I was hysterical, I literally felt so emotionally unhinged. I felt very very suicidal,” Amanda admitted.
“I’m very big in my ego unfortunately, and that’s kind of one of the reasons why I am a sex addict, it’s because I do have a big ego and once my ego died, I didn’t want to live anymore,” she said.
But over time, she began to heal herself by studying Buddhism and attending sex addiction meetings.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 or visit their website.
