Seven Years Ago, I Married Into The Military — Here's Everything I Wish I'd Known Sooner
Hi there! I’m Raylyn. Along with being a mom to two young kids and a longtime teacher, I'm also a military spouse to my husband of seven years. We met about halfway through his Coast Guard career and are now at our third station together. Military life has been quite a journey — and not one that I could have predicted I would be a part of when I was younger.
I'm the first in my family to marry into the military, and to be honest, there was a lot I wasn't prepared for. It's a very specific lifestyle — equal parts impossibly demanding and deeply rewarding.
I find it also gives way to every emotion under the sun. It's fun but stressful, exciting but lonely — and always, for better or for worse, an adventure.
My friends outside of the service often look at my life and go, “I have no idea how you do it.” And they're right — it’s a difficult* life to choose. But I also feel like it's an often-misunderstood one. It's easy to look at solider-coming-home videos and feel a sense of connection, but there's still a lot of misunderstanding out there about military life. By writing this, I'm hoping to peel back the veil to reveal some of the aspects of military family life that don’t get talked about as much.
(*I should also say that by no means am I implying that other people don’t have difficult lives – it’s 2022 after all, and we’re all struggling – but IMO, there are many challenges that military families face that are unique and, when in combination with each other, can be overwhelming.)
All that said, let's get to it. Attention!
Broad City
And before we kick off: Clearly, no two experiences are the same, and each branch, rank, and job is going to demand different things from a service member and their family. I certainly can’t speak for everyone, but these are some of the experiences for both myself and many of the families I’ve gotten to know over the years.
1.Let's start with the obvious: You have to move constantly — sometimes with zero notice — and someone else is in charge of calling those shots.
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After college, I moved across the country solo by my own volition. After getting married, I moved because of military orders — and both instances of moving feel completely different.
Moving somewhere you’ve planned has a sense of control; moving somewhere you never wanted to live because someone told you to is scary. Sure, there is some element of choice in many instances — for example, our family gets a “dream sheet” where we can list our preferred stations or locations — but there’s no guarantee and sometimes no notice.
There are also stories of families getting denied preferred locations thanks to a family member receiving mental health services or medical concerns. It’s pretty scary knowing that doing the right thing and seeking support for your mental health can negatively impact your spouse’s career and your family's plans.
Yes, you get the hang of it, but a recent survey put moving as more stressful than a divorce or having children, with 45% responding that it was the most stressful event in their lives. Now imagine doing that every one to four years.
2.You find yourself taking risks that may seem absurd to others simply out of necessity — and the 'expectations vs. reality' of it all is a constant struggle.
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Picture this: Your kids are in school, there’s a global pandemic, your partner is on deployment, and you get orders to a new station 2,000 miles away. Are you going to tour — or even see — the area ahead of time? Maybe! Some people can. Many cannot.
On our last house hunting process, we found our place over Zoom. We worked with a realtor, had no knowledge of the area, and just jumped in — hoping we would eventually like the neighborhood. Why not military housing, you ask? Not every station has it.
Many people have the idea that military members have free housing, and that’s just not the case. Not every station has housing, the BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) doesn’t often cover the average rent in the area, and when you DO get to a station with housing, it’s first come, first served — and you have very little say in the matter.
Housing is extremely stressful — and a BAH too low to cover rent or a mortgage means you’re forking out money out of a very low income to cover the rest. Stations are also dropping Cost of Living Allowance (COLA) at an alarming rate. Why does that matter? Check out the base pay of enlisted personnel.
3.Beyond the housing game-of-chance, you're met with more extreme uncertainty once you arrive in a new place.
Ever try to find emergency contacts for school-aged kids in a place where you know zero people off the bat? Moving to a new place often means having to put your faith in a near-stranger. Shoutout to our neighbor who stepped up this tour and shoutout to all of the military families willing to take the job.
4.Even if you find a place you love, you may start feeling restless after a few years.
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While it's been really fun living in places I never thought I would, when you’re given an exact time that you’ll be at a station, it just becomes natural to start counting down until the end. You can be in an area and not want to leave — but a few years in, you just start to feel a little restless.
For someone who wants to see the country or world, it’s awesome. For a homebody who wants to be near extended family, the moving can be rough.
5.You find yourself saying “OK” a lot — because there is very little choice or control you actually have.
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“Hey, I was put on a deployment that leaves in a week.” “OK.”
“Looks like I’m heading in for disaster relief. I’m running home to grab a few things, and I don’t know when I’ll be back.” “OK.”
“Hey. I know we were penciled in for Hawaii, but now we’re heading to Alaska.” “Wait, what?! OK.”
As a military spouse, you just learn to shrug and carry on, because there’s literally nothing you can do about it. Military spouses have to be adaptable, able to be on their own, and strong. As a result of changing schedules and sudden deployments, military spouses tend to be on their own a lot. All that to say? If you know a military spouse, check in on them.
6.Often, it’s your career that gets put on the back burner.
Into Action
As mentioned, I'm a longtime teacher, and I've been lucky enough to have that skill move with me — via the ability to teach remotely — even as I've changed physical locations.
But that doesn’t change the fact that military spouses are the most underemployed group in the nation, with a whopping 63% of us underemployed. According to the National Commission of State Legislatures, “Military spouses faced a 22% unemployment rate and a 26% wage gap compared to their civilian counterparts before COVID-19." Military spouses face an unemployment rate roughly five times more than the national rate.
Many cite childcare as one of the biggest issues, and it’s tough out there – especially for families with young children. There are subsidies available for those who work full time, but those who work part time don’t qualify, so we have to spend our already depressed wages for the opportunity to work. Last year, for example, a full third of my income went to an eight-hour per week babysitter – and she was a steal for our area.
Why does the burden of childcare often fall on the spouse? Military members often have unpredictable work hours and rotating shifts that include days, nights, weekends, and 24-hour shifts. Many spouses don’t have consistency for childcare or regular work hours we can commit to.
Further, anyone with a keen eye can spot a military spouse on a resume, which becomes a liability for many companies. Since it’s extremely hard to get a job you’re qualified for, so many will take any job just to get by — some leaving advanced degrees, law practices, and teaching careers behind.
7.Your spouse doing the job that they have trained for can often mean you worrying if they will come home.
This applies to many first responders, but it’s a real part of the job. While my husband’s job is fairly standard most days, his specialization requires him to aid in disaster relief and search and rescue. I trust in my husband’s training and am the type of person who can handle that, but it’s definitely not for everyone.
These types of jobs can also come with certain levels of PTSD from service members, as evidenced by all-time highs of suicide rates in service members and veterans. Whether or not your spouse has diagnosed PTSD, they often see some very grizzly things, and that has an effect on them. Given the continued lack of adequate mental health support service-wide, being a military spouse can sometimes have an additional job of working with your partner's mental health issues.
Luckily, though, many branches of the military offer mental health resources for spouses. Military OneSource and some of the DOD and DHS services have links to covered mental health services, which is an amazing benefit.
8.Making friends is really, really hard.
Bravo
I get it. Making friends is hard anywhere. But here’s the thing: Every few years you’re taken to a place that is often quite different than whatever place you were in previously — and making friends becomes an entire lesson in understanding and adapting to those differences. (Not to mention trying to insert yourself into established friend groups with locals who have been there for years.)
Making friends in the service can also be a challenge because there are an entire group of people who have no support systems. Trying to get together when there are no babysitters and not enough income to hire one is challenging. All of that combined with how hard it is to make friends after high school makes it one of the hardest parts of being a military spouse.
When you do find someone, though, the friendships are so special. It’s awesome when you find someone who understands your life and is in a similar spot. There are various spouse social organizations and clubs, and while it takes effort, just jumping in can be so helpful. When you are all together and all away from family, each station has a special feel of chosen family, even if it's difficult to get together. We all look out for one another, and I love those relationships.
9.Your kids may need a lot of community support, but it’s often not there.
Military life is hard and special — and military kids take the brunt of your life choices. My kids didn’t get asked to be “resilient” and leave friends and schools every few years, but here we are.
Military kids have to remake friends and adapt to new school rules, regional differences, expectations, and work their way up again in extracurricular activities in ways that many kids just don’t have to. I try to let my kids’ teachers know that they may need some help making friends as the “new kids,” but it’s really easy to thank a service member for their service while not knowing how to support their kids.
Military kids need a lot of support from the community and schools. They, too, are living in uncertainty of their parent’s job, the difficulty of being asked to move again, the fear of picking up right after getting settled, all while dealing with just being a kid in general. It’s tough to always feel like the new kid. Some adapt well, but others don’t.
As a spouse, this can be a really difficult thing. It’s amazing to see your kids rise to the occasion, but I do wish there were more supports in place for them, especially in locations where there isn't a strong military presence (not every station is a huge base). The plus side? Every station I’ve been to throws amazing parties for the kids, and it is, hands down, what I will miss most when my husband retires.
10.You get experiences no one outside of the military will ever get, and it’s amazing.
I remember the first time I got to sit inside of a helicopter, when my nephews got to explore a helicopter, and when my kids stepped inside of a plane on display at a party. I have watched fireworks from the comfort of the station and have seen my husband at numerous air shows. I have known spouses who have been proposed to on boats and have seen reenlistment ceremonies in some pretty cool places. I have loved the opportunity to experience so many once-in-a-lifetime experiences.
(On a significantly more shallow note, it’s also cool going to an air show and going home with the one in the uniform.)
11.The camaraderie on bases is incredibly special.
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I absolutely love how invested everyone on base is in making sure our kids are seen and taken care of. I love the willingness to check in on each other and drop everything to help a family who needs a last-minute sitter. I also love the willingness that near-strangers have to be emergency contacts for another kid on base. Since we often don’t get much community support, families on base work so hard to create special memories for our kids and each other.
One amazing example was in 2019 when the government shut down and the only service to not receive payment was the Coast Guard. Many military families live paycheck to paycheck and found themselves without pay for multiple pay cycles. The spouse community rallied and created food pantries at many stations and collected community food donations and grocery gift cards. Although using Coast Guard families as leverage for a shutdown was horrible, the camaraderie and support from the community were impressive to witness.
12.Sometimes it’s a tough life — but the bonds, the experiences, and the challenges are frequent and worth it.
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Watching fireworks from a military base, Santa coming to a Christmas party on a helicopter, the excitement of cheering friends on as they move, and the bigger excitement of someone joining you at your station – these are all incredible memories and experiences I get to keep.
I also do not regret the strength I’ve developed over the past few years, as well as the independence. While I may be ready for some stability in my own life, the experiences have been incredible, and I know very few spouses who are completely miserable. There’s a built-in optimism from years of needing it that’s a helpful skill all around. The military was an awesome career choice for my husband, and I’ve been glad to support him through it.
13.The life of a military spouse or partner might be difficult, but controlling what we can allows for plenty of joy.
Here's the thing: Being a military spouse or partner is hard. I could offer a thousand suggestions for improvement, and it's a real trial-by-fire situation.
And I know some may have questions: Why would I jump into the lifestyle in the first place? Because there's no way to prepare anyone for it unless you grew up in it. Why do I continue fight through it today? Because I promised my husband I would. He works his tail off on a mission we both truly believe in. Lives have been saved because he was there to save them. He's a man who tries his best at home and at work — and I choose to support him because he's worth that support and sacrifice on my end.
On hard days where it seems too hard to be worth it — because no relationship is perfect — I remember that we are temporarily putting our comfort on hold because we truly believe that the people my husband serves are worth it.
While we have many limiting factors in our lives, military spouses are masters at controlling what we can. We may have a giant cloud of military life that can feel isolating and hard, but I work to make sure our lives look and feel "normal," so that the stress of military life isn't the defining feature of our lives.
My kids are in school and have activities. We eat together, go to parks, and have fun together. We have regular FaceTime dates with extended family. When my husband deploys, we have a structure and routine that we stick to.
When you focus controlling what you can, you can create a life that is fulfilling, wonderful, and secure in spite of difficult circumstances. Being a military spouse is the biggest role I have in my life, but I focus most on being a wife, mom, and teacher and creating a secure household for my family.
Also: therapy. Therapy is the best. 🙃
Being a military spouse is so hard to describe to those who haven't experienced it. The uncertainty of life coupled with the certainty of dramatic change and the need to be strong to support your family means most of us quietly work behind the scenes supporting our loved ones. If you are a military spouse or partner, let me tell you: You rock! I’d also tell you to take some “you” time — and then we could just laugh, commiserate, and connect.
