I Sent 5 Very Different Friends Daily Affirmations for a Week—Here’s How They Reacted

From Oprah Magazine

Full disclosure: I can be a shitty friend. In person, I'm great with loved ones, giving them my undivided attention. Pop the cork, get comfortable, and let's spill some tea. Isn't that what friends do? But virtually, I know that I need to step my game up.

You see, a rapid-fire string of messages is enough to overwhelm me. I'm always the last to reply in a group text, will ignore pointed questions ("What are you doing Friday at 8?" or "How's your niece?") and chime in only with half-assed heart emojis. Call me a perfectionist or a detail-obsessed Virgo, but I do this because I worry that my responses ("Too busy to hang, sorry") will disappoint. I wonder, If I can't say something sweet, or meet when they're free, will my friends hate me? As a result, I don't show up for the same people I expect to be there for me.

But after nine months of therapy I realized that this behavior might come across as arrogant and dismissive, so I decided to change in an attempt to become a better, more compassionate friend. Over the summer, I noticed that my inner circle and I—generally overworked, emotional, cocktail-happy people who love to tell others we're “so tired”—collectively felt …sad. After a few glasses of wine, our conversations often turned melancholic, followed by rapid exchanges of urgent self-care tips: Go to therapy. Try this podcast. Stock up on crystals. Wear an evil-eye bracelet.

Instagram accounts like the @TheGoodQuote, @YouAreLuminous, @GoodLifeProject, @CleoWade, @SuperSoul, and our very own @OprahMagazine work to inspire people with colorful graphics that promote mindfulness and the act of putting only one person first: you. When my friends and I traded posts like these from time to time, we'd briefly commiserate over our drama, encourage each other to stay strong, and keep it moving. But what would happen if I consistently sent every one of them a short, positive note to uplift them on every day of the work week? Would we bond on a deeper level? Would they laugh at my cheesiness, or ask me why I’m suddenly so present?

Of course, positivity, mindfulness, and gratitude have been on my mind a lot as a new hire here at OprahMag.com; it's what our staff writes about and attempts to practice. Three weeks into my new gig, it only felt natural to put myself to the test and start to send those empowering messages to my personal circle. So that's how I ended up spending one Monday morning commute channeling my inner Deepak Chopra by choosing an affirmation from Instagram to blast to five friends:

• The Workaholic: A ride or die fitness fanatic

• The Party Girl: A hilarious risk-taker who loves psychics

• The “Mother-in-Law”: My boyfriend’s loving mom, who's always available

• The Former Co-Worker: Unapologetic with a penchant for pole dancing

• The Boyfriend’s BFF: A fantastic advice-giver who recently moved

Here's how my friends reacted when I went full-on, 20-something gay Oprah.

Day 1:

First, I texted CWote founder Sean Forquer's message to each pal individually with little context, just using positive language like, “Saw this and thought of you boo! Have a good week,” or “Miss you!”

Generally, the responses were lame: The Workaholic hit me with a lifeless “thank youuuu,” while The Boyfriend's BFF ignored it and The Former Co-Worker said she’d message me on Google Hangouts to ask about my new job. I quickly felt disappointed; while I thought my sugar-coated note would illicit complimentary feedback, instead, I just got low-key ghosted. Was this experiment going to fail?

Of course, the Mother-in-Law,—whose beautifully hopeful texts often read like indecipherable poetry—had the best answer. That morning, she was busy preparing her central Florida home for the brunt of Hurricane Florence. She wrote, “That just made me smile and laugh. I’m just forcing myself out of my comfort zone to start my gas operated generator…haven’t done this in a year. First…read the directions.” Her message included a photo of said generator, its instruction manual, and a follow-up message: “Yassss Queen.” I knew I liked this woman.

I have to say that the most entertaining, though least surprising, response came from The Party Girl, who answered my affirmation with a topless photo and the question “Am I, daddy?”

Day 2:

Affirmation and gratitude are connected. So to spice things up, I encouraged my friends to complete this "Today I am..." fill-in-the-blank message by writer Morgan Harper Nichols. Quickly, our text-to-text dynamic began to pick up steam. “Positive reinforcement!!! You’re consciously making an effort to radiate light and I love that!” said The Former Co-Worker. Finally, some reassurance. I’m decidedly insecure, so I have to admit, having a friend validate an action of mine felt pretty freakin' good—and encouraged me to keep this little experiment going.

The Mother-in-Law called Tuesday’s note “interesting.” The Boyfriend's BFF—who recently quit her corporate job to launch a business—was the only one to complete Nichols’s exercise, even though it took her until the end of the day. "Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be unemployed and spend time getting to know myself again," she wrote. "Because I know that even though life can be overwhelming, it is still worth celebrating!" She added a note asking me to keep the "inspirational messages" coming.

This time, The Party Girl didn’t reply to my text at all, but she did email me to meet for lunch because we work in the same building. That night, after having shared a hug in line for sushi, she sent me this: “Seeing u today was such a highlight!”

On day two, I began to notice that persistence does pay off. The more you give someone attention, the more they open up, right? The Workaholic and I generally keep our text conversations brief and reserve life updates for our in-person interactions, so I wasn't surprised when she ignored my affirmations. But in a plot twist, they did seem to give her reason to let down her guard. Across 15 late-afternoon messages, she told me more than I’d heard in weeks: she was stressed about upcoming work trips, struggling to stay healthy, and totally burnt out. “My whole summer was a wash and I’m not even tan. All I did was work.”

When I got home, another notification from her read: “Can I call you?” We spent 20 minutes catching up, this time unpacking a crisis at her office, and making plans to meet in the days ahead.

Day 3:

By Wednesday, when I sent @StacieSwift's "You Got This" post, this project began to feel...tiring. It sounds obvious, but relationships are work, and making the effort to compliment five friends with the same affirmation each day—and then keep the conversation flowing—is more time consuming than I'd imagined. Because of my own schedule, my expectations for each response began to dim. The Mother-in-Law didn’t reply to this supportive text, and The Workaholic only sent me an update about her aforementioned 9 to 5 drama.

I did, however, feel better connected to each friend, even if our exchanges were brief, vapid, or had nothing to do with the affirmations at all. While staying late at work that night, The Party Girl attempted to meet up. I couldn’t, but her intent made me feel appreciated. The Boyfriend's BFF responded to my affirmation that evening, this time with a screenshot of a photo Chrissy Teigen shared of her son and a few inside jokes. Unrelated, but hey, I'll take it.

The Former Co-Worker, was the only one who always chimed in before noon. “Obsessed w you and your positive affirmations,” she wrote. “Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in other stuff, so it’s nice to have that reminder.”

Day 4:

One factor about Project Inspire The Squad that I hadn't considered: Blasting inspiring words to other people turned out to be as much about motivating them as it was about motivating myself. Even if a friend didn’t immediately react, I found that researching and then surrounding myself with uplifting language fueled me. When I sent out this "Not everyone will see your magic" message, The Workaholic didn’t respond, and The Former Co-Worker just sent a string of cute heart emojis (my old go-to). The Boyfriend's BFF, however, did finally call me that day.

The Party Girl, meanwhile didn't hesitate to keep reminding me: “I love these texts lately.” Of course, The Mother-in-Law came through with an update about life in Florida—and the sometimes-injured deer who roams her yard. “I had to practice some nurse magic on the field today and keep one of my comrades from keeling over.” As a Sunshine State native myself, this felt like home.

That said, it was clear that my friends were too busy ruminating over their own weekday scenarios (as I usually am) to offer illuminated, profound reactions to this simple message. So this day, I had to take the affirmation for myself: "Not everyone you meet will see your magic," indeed."

Day 5:

By the last day, I hadn’t received a single mood-altering affirmation in return, nor did my own string of messages inspire a friend to have an aha moment. But since I struggle to communicate regularly, it seemed like the group had finally come to appreciate that even these small interactions were progress for me. In response to my "It's Okay..." message, the Former Co-Worker rounded out the week with, “OK I LOVE THIS,” and The Mother-in-Law wrote, “Love these sharing tidbits.” I asked The Workaholic for a professional contact, so she didn’t pay much attention to Friday’s affirmation. The Boyfriend's BFF, I then realized, was headed on vacation.

And while The Party Girl and I failed to get together for lunch, we did catch up on my office floor at the end of the day. She met my co-workers and we walked each other to the subway, talking about our week and discussing her upcoming birthday plans.

So Was This Effective?

In the end, I found that being friendly does, in fact, cultivate kindness. And the research backs me up, showing that using positive language can not only improve health, but it’s contagious and doubles as a tool for overcoming stress and prejudice. “When people are affirmed, they feel that what they’re doing is accepted,” says Karen Noth, PhD, a clinical and social psychologist and professor of social media at the University of Southern California that I talked to about my challenge.

Studies also show that changes in behavior can alter attitude, and Noth notes that people react well to what rewards them—a.k.a. receiving a happy text. My messages were sent rather abruptly, so she believes each recipient likely found them meaningful. Similarly, Nicholas Christakis, PhD, a professor at Yale University and the author of Blue Print: The Evolutionary Origins of a Good Society, has studied the domino effect of similar thinking in diverse sociological climates. This ripple effect, he says, is called emotional contagion. He agrees that small, uplifting messages can alter your interactions. That might be why inspiring, quotable Instagram accounts like @CleoWade's amass thousands of followers.

How Our Friendships Changed

I was already deeply connected to all of the friends I spent time affirming. That said, there were some small shifts in our interactions after Affirmation Week. The Workaholic and I, for instance, were able to take a few moments during an evening phone call to peel back the layers and be there for each other. The Boyfriend’s BFF—though in vacation mode—eventually returned the fill-in-the-blank message I'd sent her on day two, then called and asked how I’d been.

Someone to always count on, The Former Co-Worker enthusiastically reacted to most of my affirmations, even if she secretly found them annoying. (Remember those heart emojis?) But after the experiment wrapped, we did keep in touch more regularly, and sharing the Mother-in-Law's off-the-wall responses made us both laugh. And with The Party Girl, one of my first New York friends, we got back to communicating daily.

As both Noth and Christakis noted, I’m no scientist—and there are dozens of outside factors that may have impacted my results. But after the week’s experiment, I found myself regularly asking all five women how they were, scheduling time to meet them for drinks, and thinking about them on the regular.

I realized that thinking I'm "too busy" to reply to a text—to take 45 seconds to explain how I'm holding up and ask the same of a friend—isn't an excuse. Yes, you have to put in the work to maintain healthy relationships. But the reward comes from knowing that if you scratch someone's back, they'll scratch yours.

I'm not a shitty friend. I just needed a kick in the pants to become a better one. I've always believed that we're all doing the best we can. And if giving your best feels taxing, cut yourself some slack and focus on uplifting yourself. Like me, you'll eventually be the first to share this memo: "You've got this!"