How Self-Advocacy Transformed My Experience With Menopause

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

This article is part of Health Divide: Menopause and Black Women, a destination in our Health Divide series.

Meet the Author

Dr. Stacia Alexander is an experienced psychotherapist and professional counselor who provides mental health care to underrepresented communities.

For a very long time, my mom’s experience with menopause was my benchmark for how I believed everyone’s menopause symptoms would be. Her experience impacted me so much that it motivated my own medical decisions when I was in my 20s.

Like my mom, I had a propensity for developing fibroid tumors, but unlike her, I chose not to have the hysterectomy my doctor suggested when I was 26 years old. A hysterectomy is a surgery that removes the uterus and can occur for various reasons. I decided not to have one with a clear mind because I understood I wanted to have more kids. But, deep down, I was also afraid. I had memories of my mom after her surgery, and they were painted with her sadness, depression, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I wanted something different for my own life. Yet, time and time again, visits to my gynecologist would uncover more fibroid tumors, which I would have removed only to have them reappear. Finally, once I knew I was done having children, I decided to go through with a hysterectomy.

My hysterectomy led to an early onset of menopause.

My Menopause Symptoms

The first symptoms I noticed were rooted in my mood shifts. I was used to balancing a lot on my plate and doing so while feeling a normal amount of stress, but then things changed quickly. I started noticing that my emotional responses to the same pressures were different and driven by more anxiety than I had ever experienced.

My mood changes were quickly followed by menopause’s most common symptom: hot flashes.

About 75% of women experience hot flashes when starting menopause or perimenopause. Clinically, hot flashes are defined by a quick onset and sudden increase in body temperature, but as I described it to my husband once, it’s more akin to your cells sparking on fire within your body in an inconsolable and overwhelming way.

Dr. Stacia Alexander

Hot flashes are . . . akin to your cells sparking on fire within your body in an inconsolable and overwhelming way.

I also experienced other symptoms, such as nausea during most of my hot flashes, sudden and significant weight gain that I could not shed no matter how hard I worked out, and, unexpectedly, arthritis.

During the beginning of that season of my life, some of those symptoms pieced in perfectly to what I thought menopause was “supposed” to look like. But then there were other symptoms—like my arthritis—that I didn’t realize were menopause symptoms until after I met with a different care support team.

Related: The Link Between Menopause and Depression

The Power in Self-Advocacy

Once my menopause symptoms kicked in, I spent years searching for answers and the right level of care. I’d previously been with my gynecologist for over 20 years. He’d delivered all of my children and supported my personal health through every other season of life. But, when it came to menopausal care, I knew pretty quickly that I needed a different approach.

As much as it pained me to leave a doctor I had trusted, I decided to prioritize what was best for my personal health.

I spent the next few years visiting doctor after doctor. My two most transformative experiences included a functional wellness doctor and a female gynecologist. They both had one thing in common that other doctors hadn’t possessed: they listened to me.

The holistic practitioner spent over three hours walking through my medical history, current symptoms, and overall wellness goals. The gynecologist, who I ultimately went to for menopausal care, didn’t push any generic treatment path on me and instead listened and responded to my unique circumstances.

Dr. Stacia Alexander

When it came to menopausal care, I knew pretty quickly that I needed a different approach.

After constant doctor visits where I felt ignored, it was comforting to know that I could have a supportive care team who listened. I was impressed by how they looked at my symptoms as a starting point for our work together and not just as the fluff in between what they believed were generic treatment plans for menopause.

One of the most poignant moments in my search for care was when my new gynecologist said, “I just feel so sorry for you because we can fix this. You don't have to live like this.”

She supported me in doing just that. Together we decided that hormone therapy was the best route to support my symptoms and overall health, and I haven’t looked back since.

Related: Hormone Therapy for Menopause Symptoms

The Aftermath of Finding the Right Treatment for Me

Today, I’m in a wonderful place. I feel in control, my anxiety and insomnia are gone, and I don’t feel overwhelmed.

I feel strong again, both physically and emotionally. But most importantly, I’m not in pain anymore. In addition to finding the right medley of hormones that work for my body, I’ve also made lifestyle changes, like nixing sugar, that have helped support my healing and overall happiness.

It took a lot of self-advocacy to get to this point in my menopausal journey, but it has been worth it. If I think back to the most important sentence I repeated throughout my search for the right provider, it was, “Do not just prescribe medication for me; explain to me what is happening with my body.”

My curiosity made my healing possible.

Dr. Stacia Alexander

It took a lot of self-advocacy to get to this point in my menopausal journey, but it has been worth it.

For anyone who is starting their menopausal journey or are years into their search for the right provider like I was, keep pushing on. You can find a care team that supports your individual needs. There’s also such a wealth of information on sites like Let’s Talk Menopause that I wish I had known about at the beginning of my journey.

The last few years have forced me to let go of a lot of stereotypes about menopause and what I thought it needed to look like. It’s also given me a new understanding of what my mom went through. She was never offered hormone therapy to help with her symptoms, and now I can see how impactful and transformative this journey can be with that support. I don’t think we’ll break all menopause stigmas in a day, but just talking about it more openly is a good place to start.

Read Next: Don't Dread Menopause, Prepare for It Instead