Seeing Doug Emhoff as Second Gentleman Upends Masculinity—for the Best

From Cosmopolitan

The response to one of the most patriarchal and overtly racist presidents in history didn’t just lead to the election of Vice President Kamala Harris, who is the first woman and person of color to serve in the role—it also led to the country getting to know Doug Emhoff, the first (of hopefully many) Second Gentleman in this nation’s history.

Seeing a man in this role, which until now has only been filled by women, helps transform the very notion of masculinity. Truly! Because if a full gender revolution is to be achieved, it’s just as important for us to see men serving in support of women as it is to see women thrive in leadership positions.

Throughout time and especially in government, women have performed the undervalued and often invisible labor necessary for men to become leaders. Sure, that might mean taking care of the family and the house, but it also means performing the intense emotional labor of supporting someone with a front-facing role. Former First Lady Michelle Obama talked about this with Oprah back in 2018 saying, “When you get married and have kids, your whole plan, once again, gets upended…especially if you get married to somebody who has a career that swallows up everything.”

President Obama echoed the toll it took on her in his book Promised Land. “Despite Michelle’s success and popularity, I continued to sense an undercurrent of tension in her, subtle but constant, like the faint thrum of a hidden machine,” the former president wrote.

Simply put: Women have enabled men to become relentless movers and shakers for decades, and it’s well past time for dudes to return the favor in really public ways.

Since the 2020 presidential campaigns began a million years ago, voters were able to see more male partners than ever before support their spouses in this way. We witnessed Bruce Mann rally behind his wife, Senator Elizabeth Warren; John Bessler stand beside his wife, Senator Amy Klobuchar; Chasten Buttigieg become a beloved figure on his husband Mayor Pete Buttigieg’s campaign trail; Jonathan Gillibrand support his wife, Senator Kirsten Gillibrand; and Abraham Williams smile alongside his wife Representative Tulsi Gabbard’s campaign.

When Harris became Biden’s VP pick and then the VP-Elect, Emhoff announced that he would ditch his own career as an entertainment lawyer (he’ll teach a class at Georgetown Law) in support of hers. Perhaps seeing a man as public as the Second Gentleman make these choices will make us value the legion of wives and partners who have been making them with little to no recognition for so long.

As an author who has been on a quest to prove to men that freeing themselves from masculinity will ultimately make them happier, nothing brings me more joy than seeing Emhoff not simply embrace but also actively celebrate his secondary role in service to his wife. I freaking love when he does small things like post tender selfies of their “couple time,” bud up with other dudes supporting their spouses (hi, Chasten!), or chronicle her work adventures in the Senate with grainy pics that are not really even feed-worthy. (Still cute though.)

Those are actions we really only see from women or “wife guys,” who are meme-ified into oblivion. But making sure that the next generation of boys grows up seeing men perform all kinds of roles, not just the front-facing ones, is crucial for their emancipation as fully human men.

Besides, slotting a man into a position traditionally reserved for a female, isn’t just good for boys to see, it might make us take roles of support more seriously. When men experience struggles that women share, it inadvertently makes them more visible because our society inherently trusts and values the male experience. Sorry, but it’s true. Just look at the way men joining a certain industry makes the pay of that job increase. That’s why I’ve often argued that one of the most effective ways to increase the stature of professions like teaching and nursing would probably be for men to simply join them. The same applies to Second Gentlemen.

Both President Joe Biden and Emhoff symbolize a new kind of masculinity that clashes not just with the Trump kind but also with his most vocal and violent supporters. As a culture, we need to be just as excited about a man being supportive as we do about woman being assertive. Both are equally valid and valuable qualities we should all strive to develop no matter our gender. The pressure on men to choose one over the other is simply misery-producing and frankly boring.

In the words of the first Second Gentleman, which he penned for GQ, “I want them to grow up in a world where it isn’t news that a loving partner—of any gender—supports them in everything they do.”

The point is clear: If we want more girls to become comfortable being firsts, we need to make sure we are teaching boys to be just as comfortable being second.

You Might Also Like

• A Cleaning Expert Explains the Best Way to Clean Cloth Face Masks After You Wear Them — Good Housekeeping

• 35 Delicious Pantry Recipes That Use What's Already in Your Cabinets and Freezer — Good Housekeeping

• The Amish keep to themselves. And they’re hiding a horrifying secret. — Cosmopolitan