The Secret to More Happy Mom Moments? Teach Your Kids Boundaries
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Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace was recently Oprah's guest on "The Life You Want" class on forgiveness, where she gave sage advice on the topic, which included how to deal with toxic family members.
The relationship expert and therapist, also took time to speak with Oprah Daily about the importance of parents making themselves a priority. Tawwab says when parents prioritize their needs, that can actually make them a better parent because they're giving themselves the same care and consideration they provide to their kids.
When is the last time you put yourself first? Like most parents, it’s probably been at least a few weeks—if not months or even years Ahead, Tawwab explains why self-care is an important part of parenting, and how she regularly makes time for it.
Oprah Daily: What does it mean to “choose yourself?”
Nedra Glover Tawwab: Prioritizing your needs. Prioritizing your intentions. Prioritizing your values. This leads to higher esteem and more joy because you are acting in your best interest. We tend to have more issues with society—and with people in our lives—when we are operating on their program and not our own.
OD: This topic is particularly relevant for parents. How can parents navigate choosing themselves—even in what is an all-encompassing and very demanding role?
NGT: The way things are set up, women have a huge responsibility—often more so than the father. There’s the pressure we put on ourselves and from the outside world telling us, “This is what you should be doing as a mother and a parent.” Many of the people who are doing all of the things that society says they should do are stressed, anxious, depressed, or on the verge of having some sort of mental health collapse. We really have to pull back and say, “Is this the healthiest way to parent? What research is supporting this?”
The idea that you are now taking time for yourself creates an environment where you can parent in a more relaxed way. Choosing yourself creates an environment in which you’re less resentful of your children. You’re more appreciative of the people in your life.
OD: What does choosing yourself actually look like when you’re a parent?
NGT: For many parents, it can be hard to even consider putting yourself first because kids have so many needs. But it’s not being selfish or harming or denying your kids. It’s saying, “I will do this for myself. I will take a few minutes away from you to do this other thing.” If you have an infant, that could look like putting the baby down for ten minutes and being able to eat your food and not dragging that process out because you’re trying to multitask. If your kids are older, that could look like listening to the music you like in the car.
There are times when I say, “I’m on the phone. This is my moment. I’ll be with you in a moment.” It’s OK to have those times apart. It’s healthy for you to desire to be with your family and to have that separation. Sometimes my kids like to wake up a little bit early to join me in my mediation practice. We talk about the boundaries of that. I’ll say, “You can meditate with me, but make sure you’re not talking during meditation.” These sorts of things happen. Life happens. I can’t stop life from happening. But I can say, “If you’re going to be in this space with me, this is how I invite you to be here.”
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