Saying 'Yes' When You Mean 'No' Can Affect Your Mental Health—And Your Kids

A new study reveals we often accept invitations because we don't want to upset friends, family, and peers. Here's why this needs to stop!

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

A few weeks ago, I received a text from a close friend—one I do not see very often—with some of the best news they’d ever sent me: “I need to cancel our plans tomorrow.” I clutched my phone to my chest and almost shed a tear, not of happiness or sadness—but relief.

I know what you’re thinking, how good a friend could this person be if immense relief is what I felt over our canceled plans? Well, that would be because yours truly made those plans knowing full well they’d fall mere days after returning home from an intense, week-long business trip. I wanted to say “no” because I knew I’d be tending to loads of laundry, an empty fridge, and my daughter’s busy social calendar all while in dire need of “me” time.

But, I said “yes” out of guilt because this friend and I were way overdue for a much-needed catch-up. I said “yes” because I’m usually inspired and rejuvenated after we spend time together. And I said “yes” because I feared that saying “no”—even with my good reasons—would offend and anger my friend.

Instead, I made the plans and then promptly stressed over how to get out of them (as so many of us do), knowing I wouldn't be present during our meet-up and knowing it wasn’t going to be great for my mental health to feel stretched so thin. So when she canceled, my response was—“No worries! We will get together after the holidays.” But even that kicked up my anxiety because I then regretted not being honest from the start.

As it turns out, I’m not alone in feeling obligated to say “yes”—even when my heart is begging me to speak my truth with a “no.” I’m not alone in stretching myself thin to the point it affects my mental health.

In a recent study, more than 77% confessed to accepting invitations to activities they did not want to attend because they were concerned about the “consequences of declining.” The research also included experiments where participants were provided various invite scenarios and had to imagine turning them down. One of those scenarios included a friend asking them to dinner on a Saturday night at a local restaurant with a celebrity chef.

Two main conclusions were drawn from this study. First is that most participants believed turning down the invite—even if they were not interested or available—would immediately and negatively affect their relationships.

The second, and in my mind, perhaps the most important, is people consistently overestimate how upset someone will be if you decline their invitation—especially from someone you have a close relationship with.

Bottom line—saying no won’t end your relationship! But you know what will? Saying yes when you don’t mean it and showing up resentful, annoyed, and not present.

So many of these lessons apply not only to our interpersonal adult relationships but also to our children's lives as well. Sometimes saying no to overscheduling our kids with activities and events can not only help parents' mental health but also theirs.

The Power of No

My takeaway, in the great words of Taylor Swift, is, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it's me!” We have the power to say “no” without doing permanent damage to relationships or our social lives. Saying ¨no¨ is actually an exercise in self-care—and setting boundaries.

“Boundaries tell others how far they can go, which protects us,” explains Aura De Los Santos, a clinical psychologist and specialist at EHproject. “When we say ‘no,’  it helps us avoid situations in which we may later feel uncomfortable or have a bad attitude. It does not make us look bad to others.”

What will fracture relationships is saying “yes” and then taking it back and saying “no” later on. De Los Santos recommends saying “no” from the beginning is what will actually help us avoid uncomfortable situations with people we love.

It’s also why Leslie Dobson, PsyD, a clinical and forensic psychologist, believes it’s important to remember that “no” is a complete sentence. “When we offer more than ‘no,’ it comes from our own anxiety, insecurities, and desire to people please,” she explains.  “Assertive communication and healthy boundaries help you maintain consistent feelings of happiness, empowerment, and control.”

Saying No Politely

Now, declining an invite still should be done respectfully— AKA using manners.  Jenny Dreizen, a modern-day etiquette expert and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry has a simple framework for declining invites that she’s dubbed the GUFF method (Gratitude, Understanding, Firm No, and the optional Follow up). Your decline can follow this format:

Gratitude: I appreciate the invite/thank you for thinking of me/ Thank you for the invite!

Understanding: That sounds like a great event/I bet you'll have a wonderful time/ what a special idea.

Firm No: We won't be able to make it/We are not going to be there/ We can't swing that

OPTIONAL Follow Up: I can't wait to hear about it/We look forward to seeing photos/ I am sure you'll have a great time.

Showing Our Kids It’s Okay to Say No

But niceties and politeness aside, most parents can attest that the overbooking and saying “yes” when we mean “no” trickles down to our kids (yes that’s me raising my hand high) by overbooking, overstimulating, and overscheduling our kids. How many playdates, extracurricular activities, sports practices, birthday parties, performances, and more can one kid fit in?

As adults, we need to practice what we preach and model that behavior for our children. Mariel Benjamin, LCSW, a program director at the Mount Sinai Parenting Center says we can teach children the important lesson of setting healthy boundaries at any age.

"Talking to them about what we need to prioritize and what we need and choose to spend our time doing, can help them to take better care of themselves as they grow,’ she explains.

If you notice that your kids are losing their excitement for events and invitations because there are simply too many on their schedule, Benjamin says to immediately take a break and take inventory of what’s on their plate.

"Eliminate everything you can and start over, adding things slowly back in when they are ready—and prioritize family time, connection, and recovery,” Benjamin explains.

With that said, your children should have input before declining an invite or deciding not to sign them up for an afterschool activity. Konkana Bakshi, founder of Savoir Faire Finishing School says if your child feels very strongly about attending a party or taking a class, you may have to reconsider.

“It's always good to give your child the opportunity to accept or decline the invitation on their end first, as it gives them autonomy,” Bakshi explains. But if you are declining an invitation—for yourself or your child—Bakshi says to always “send your regrets ASAP rather than buying time” so the host doesn’t have any expectations and can prepare accordingly.

"We try to be helpful, to be likable, and to please others. We often have high expectations of ourselves, notions about what type of person we are, and shame or guilt around prioritizing ourselves."

Mariel Benjamin, LCSW

It’s Okay to Be Human

It really bothers me that I’ve instinctually been saying "yes" to things I don’t have the capacity for—be it my mental capacity or my calendar capacity. I do this when it comes to my daughter too because I don't want her missing out or, heaven forbid, feeling bored. I also don’t want her to dread plans that are meant to be uplifting and fulfilling—such as the one I had made with my old friend—because she’s overbooked, overstimulated, and just over it.

Benjamin explains that as social creatures, “We try to be helpful, to be likable, and to please others. We often have high expectations of ourselves, notions about what type of person we are, and shame or guilt around prioritizing ourselves.”

That really struck me. I don’t want to have shame or guilt around prioritizing myself—and I never want my daughter to feel it’s not okay to put herself and her needs first. So it’s time to listen to my gut when it wants me to say “no.” That way I'll be able to say “yes” with confidence, excitement, and gusto. I haven’t rescheduled with my friend yet but I look forward to finding the perfect and stress-free time for us to get together!

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