Sad girl summer isn’t just a ‘trend’ – we might be laughing off a mental health crisis
Joyful weddings and sun-kissed birthday celebrations in the park. Boomerangs of clinking prosecco glasses at airports. Summer can seem like one big party after a quick social media scroll. But sometimes it feels like a party we weren’t invited to.
It’s been over a decade since Lana Del Rey released the absolute bop that is Summertime Sadness and, since then, musicians and memes have made the idea of slumping into loneliness-induced seasonal misery seem not only totally fine, but also perfectly acceptable fodder for self-deprecating humour. But is it a good thing that the concept of 'sad girl summer' has become quite so normalised? Or are we all laughing off a serious mental health crisis?
Research from the Office for National Statistics found that one million people aged 16 to 29 experience 'chronic loneliness', while a poll of 1,500 Cosmopolitan UK readers found that 96% of you have dealt with loneliness at some point. In fact, 74% of you say you actually experience feelings of FOMO more over the sunnier months, with 66% finding that this makes it harder to put yourself in social situations and create new friendships.
"Everyone was living a life I didn’t have," says 31-year-old Alex, of the summer two years ago when she realised she was so lonely she "didn’t have any desire for life". "My best friend lived with me during the pandemic, but that summer she moved in with her boyfriend," Alex says. "I’d recently ended a relationship, and as my friend drove off, I felt alone for the first time."
74% of you say you experience feelings of FOMO more over the sunnier months
Turning to social media to fill the void only made things worse. Alex, an HR manager from Manchester, recalls scrolling through what felt like an endless feed of everyone else socialising and having fun, while all she felt was jealousy and a ball of sadness forming in her stomach. "Everyone was posting their life highlights, as I sat indoors alone on the sofa."
Things came to a head when she attended a wedding without a plus one. Surrounded by happy couples, Alex says she felt on the outside of life. "Loneliness made me feel unlovable and like an outcast, as though I’d never be able to make new friends or have a new relationship."
Despite how isolating it can sometimes feel, the data shows us that we’re not alone in our loneliness, and the stereotype that these emotions only impact the elderly has been proven to be vastly inaccurate. "Some studies suggest young people feel even lonelier than other age groups and that being female is associated with greater loneliness," notes Dr Anne-Kathrin Fett, a reader in clinical psychology at City, University of London. "For some, loneliness might be worse in the winter due to a lack of light and outside activities being restricted," she says – and of course, these feelings can be exacerbated for those who are affected by seasonal affective disorder. But on the other hand, some people "may feel lonelier in the summer, when they think everyone else is out having fun, while they lack the social connections for those experiences," says Dr Fett.
The perfect (summer) storm
It’s having a knock-on effect, too. In our poll, 86% of you said that feeling this way was having a negative impact on your mental wellbeing. "Loneliness has been associated with a range of mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and even psychosis and suicidality in extreme cases," Dr Fett adds. "The links with mental health problems go in both directions, as poor mental health can be isolating and vice versa." This is why talking about it is so important. But, despite society taking huge steps forwards when it comes to mental health in recent years, those conversations aren’t always easy – something that 27-year-old Maddy knows well.
"It was embarrassing telling my friends," says the primary school teacher from Nottingham, whose loneliness fed into such "crippling anxiety" last summer that she was signed off work for a while. "It made me feel needy." Similarly, 61% of you told us you feel too ashamed to admit how you’re feeling when loneliness hits hard. "People were shocked," Maddy adds – outwardly, it seemed she had it all. "My friends and family didn’t understand. They kept saying, 'You’ll be fine,' which invalidated my feelings."
Alex had a similar experience opening up. "I spoke to my best friend, but she just reeled off the things I had: my house, car, a good job," she says. "This made me feel worse, like I shouldn’t feel lonely because I’ve got a lovely house… to rattle around in."
Both women stress there’s confusion around what loneliness is – and experts agree. "Loneliness doesn’t only occur when someone is socially isolated, it can occur in the presence of seemingly abundant social relationships. It’s related to
our internal state," explains Dr Fett. "Not feeling comfortable alone [is another trigger]," adds psychotherapist Sharnade George, along with "low self-esteem and not feeling good enough." Other triggers include a big change in circumstance (redundancy, moving house or becoming a parent, for example), while being from a marginalised group or discriminated against can also feed in.
"Loneliness doesn’t only occur when someone is socially isolated, it can occur in the presence of seemingly abundant social relationships"
For Elisha, a 24-year-old PR specialist from Brighton, other people’s expectations also weighed heavy. "Your mid-twenties are a weird time. Half the people in your life are telling you to settle down; the other half encourage you to milk every second of your youth," she explains. "That pressure can be isolating and make you question if you’re meant to be where you are, or if you should be doing more."
It may sound obvious, but all three women agreed that social media intensifies these feelings. "It does this incredible job of connecting us with lots of new places, new experiences, new foods to try," says Elisha. "But it’s easy to see these posts and feel like there’s no one you can explore those things with."
Finding a ray of light
According to Alex, Maddy and Elisha, acceptance is the first step. "I had a real turning point after deciding to embrace loneliness," recalls Alex, describing the solo holiday she went on last year. "I was constantly worried about missing out on life experiences if I had to do things alone, so I decided to take myself on holiday. Suddenly, being alone didn’t feel lonely. It was empowering."
Similarly, Elisha says that she enjoys setting solo challenges for herself, some of which have gone on to form the "best experiences" of her life. "I bought a VIP wristband to a three-day music festival and went alone," she says. "It was brilliant. I make conscious decisions to put myself in positions of 'aloneness', even moving to a new city by myself. It’s my way of honouring the healing journey that I’ve been on, moving towards independence and self-love."
And that’s not all. She adds, "Not everyone will like the same things as you and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I have to miss out on creating adventures and experiences. I can enjoy them with the one person I know is always around: me."
Of course, for some, a solo trip or festival may feel like too big a step – but there are smaller and equally effective ways you can combat loneliness, such as reconnecting with old friends or volunteering to meet like-minded people, while building a sense of purpose. Experts have also suggested filling your weekends with activities that you enjoy, be it a nature walk or coffee in a local gallery, and knowing when to reach out for support. Contacting organisations such as Campaign To End Loneliness or deciding to get in touch with a mental health professional or therapist could have life-changing results, Maddy, Elisha and Alex all agree.
Beyond individual steps, change needs to happen at a society-wide level, too – and soon. "In Brighton, there are a lot of community groups and services dedicated to bringing people together that I’ve not seen elsewhere," Elisha shares. "I’d love to see more opportunities like this elsewhere in the country." Allocating more government funding to mental health spaces would also be an effective way to create a tangible, positive change.
Until then, Dr Fett reminds us that a little really does go a long way. "Loneliness is a complex phenomenon, but each of us can speak about it, be inclusive and consciously interact with others in our daily lives. It could be a simple act of kindness, such as helping a neighbour or making the time to talk – and listen – to someone who needs an open ear." And if a break from social media feels like it’s in order, don’t hold back from deleting any of the apps that get you down, if only until sunny days feel less daunting and more freeing.
For more information on how to cope and to access support, visit Campaign To End Loneliness.
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