Runner opens up about being 'the only out LGBTQ athlete' at Brigham Young University: 'A lonely label and a sad reality'

A Brigham Young University student athlete is opening up about what it’s like to come out as bisexual in an environment that seemingly discouraged her from embracing her truth.

In the first-person piece for Outsports, titled “I am the only out LGBTQ athlete at BYU,” the 21-year-old Division 1 runner, Emma Gee, wrote about the burden of keeping her sexuality a secret for many years, after having first fallen in love with an exchange student on her cross country team in high school.

“There are days I wish I never fell in love with her. There are days I wish I told her how I felt before she went back to Spain,” Gee wrote about the student, named Isabella. “There are days I wish I never had to confront how I felt and what it meant. Because what it meant changed how I fit into my own world. It brought clarity and confusion.”

The confusion stemmed from Gee’s religious upbringing in Broomfield, Colo., where she said she was born into a conservative family and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

“I was raised to believe in eternal marriage between a man and a woman. My future was conditioned and clear and I was prepared for it,” Gee wrote. “When I realized my sexuality, I knew the only life I’d ever known would reject me.”

That fear of rejection would continue to infiltrate Gee’s life when she went on to attend BYU, a private university owned by the church, because of its competitive long distance running program and affordable tuition, relative to her other choices.

Still, the reasons for her choosing the university wouldn’t compare to the reasons she would come to regret the choice throughout her first three years.

“Sometimes I lie in bed at night and ask myself, ‘Why the hell did you go to BYU?’” she shared. “To attend, every student must be ‘ecclesiastically endorsed’ by a religious leader and agree to abide by the Honor Code.”

BYU’s Honor Code states: “Homosexual behavior is inappropriate and violates the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings.” According to Gee, any student who violates the code must face the university’s Honor Code Office.

But even through the paranoia and the difficulty that Gee faced through years of hiding her identify, the young woman explained that her life as a college student and a D-1 athlete became too exhausting to keep up with a lie regarding her sexuality. In fact, her role as an athlete taught her the one thing that would ultimately allow her to come out: perseverance.

“Yes, there is pain and anger and frustration and shame. But there is also joy and determination and grit. There is possibility and strength and commitment to every dream I’ve ever had,” she wrote. “And the emptiness I feel in those dark moments has nothing on everything I want in life.”

In the piece, she divulged the people she came out to in the spring of 2018 — the first being the BYU athletic administrator, Liz Darger, who was immediately “supportive and accepting.” She sat her family down for the conversation just one month later, and ultimately told her teammates and her coach, Dijeet Taylor, who she wrote “wasn’t even fazed.”

“My team is a huge part of why I came out at school,” she shared. “They are my safe space in an unsafe environment.”

Now, days after sharing her truth with those outside of her safe space and opening up to the thousands who may read her first-person piece, Gee tells Yahoo Lifestyle that writing it was “empowering,” and she continues to receive support despite her biggest fears.

“I was afraid I couldn’t communicate my feelings effectively, and the article wouldn’t make sense to strangers. I was wrong,” she says. “Over and over and over again, I’ve felt understood by the individuals who have reached out to voice their support. I’ve found myself in good company, connecting with thousands of people who want the world to be more inclusive.”

Even her family, she says, has supported her by respecting her request for space.

To the student’s relief, she hasn’t been reported to the Honor Code Office.

“Thank goodness,” she continues. “Brigham Young University’s Honor Code was created to enforce and reflect the standards of BYU students. I believe the majority of BYU students and staff want to welcome, respect, and embrace diversity. Therefore, the Honor Code should welcome, respect, and embrace diversity.”

BYU administrators weren’t available to comment. However, the Honor Code reads, “One's stated same-gender attraction is not an Honor Code issue. However, the Honor Code requires all members of the university community to manifest a strict commitment to the law of chastity.”

Still, Gee says that being “the only out LGBTQ athlete at BYU” is “a lonely label and a sad reality” because there are others who are still hiding. But for now, the student, who will be graduating from BYU in spring 2020, is relieved knowing that she has done her part in speaking her truth.

“I came out because my world became too complicated to navigate as something I wasn’t,” she says. “It's been empowering to publicly reclaim my identity from the assumptions.”

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle:

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