Riverdale Recap: "The Tell Tale Heart"
Warning: Spoilers for Riverdale season 2, episode 13, "The Tell Tale Heart," ahead.
This week's episode ends as it begins: with a Riverdale mom doing something totally bonkers. In fact, "The Tell Tale Heart" is full of bad decisions. But let's start with that final surprise. I've had my suspicions about Agent Adams for a while, but did I think he was a mole for Hermione Lodge? Absolutely not. This may be the best executed twist from the Riverdale writers yet, and also the only explanation for that Elliot Ness wannabe that I could have accepted.
As "Agent" Adams pushes Archie to bug Hiram's office - or else he'll look a little closer at Fred Andrews’ business dealings - it becomes clear. There's no way this guy's a FBI agent, but he isn't just some new adversary, either. Archie may not want to tell his own dad but he does finally tell someone's dad; he goes to Hiram Lodge and confesses the whole thing, promising he never shared any secrets. Bold move!
It looks like this is going to be the worst decision of the night, because a Lodge henchman takes Archie on a long drive to meet "the boss" in the middle of nowhere. That boss is Hermione, and she pulls more strings than we thought: She'd sent "Agent" Adams as a test, to see how Archie handled the pressure, and he passed. "Welcome to the family, Archie."
But we just got way ahead of ourselves. The episode opens immediately after Betty walks in on Alice Cooper mopping up blood next to the dead body of the Shady Guy. No, she did NOT kill him. Based on her reaction to Betty wanting to call the police, Chic was the culprit and Alice does not want to lose him just after their fraught reunion. And thus begins the theme of Chapter 26, "The Tell Tale Heart." People literally can't stop screwing up.
Here, every single bad decision made during tonight's episode:
1. Alice and Betty don't call the police.
Instead, they choose to bleach their entire house, roll the body up in a rug, and drag his body to an open sewer that Alice claims was her secret spot as a child. And "Agent" Adams is just next door in Archie's garage! (I didn't know he wasn't really FBI at the time, okay?) Stressful. Even more stressful? Hal stops by during cleanup and definitely knows something is going on.
Alice assures Betty that it'll be okay because the man obviously has no familial connections. "I mean, who walks around without a wallet?" I have a feeling that wallet is going to come back to bite 'em.
2. Everything Hal does with Penelope.
After his unsuccessful visit with Alice and Betty, Hal confides in Penelope (he's not a client, they're "real") that he suspects something is going on. Unwisely, not only does he seem unconcerned about the possibility of Cheryl overhearing, but he's talking about smelling copious amounts of bleach with his notoriously devious mistress...who also just so happens to be running her own bordello with the wealthy men of Riverdale.
3. Jughead sent the Pickens Head to the Lodges as a warning.
Technically this happened at the end of the previous episode, but it wasn't clearly the wrong move until now - because when FP gets home from exiling Tall Boy, he wants to bring the head to Mayor McCoy and share what they've learned about Hiram Lodge. Oops.
4. Veronica tries to set up a peace meeting with her father and the Joneses.
When Veronica suggests Hiram meet with FP and Jughead to clear the air after Pickens Day, it seems like the best way to stop a turf war between the haves and the have-nots. But it blows up in their faces. Before their meeting, Jughead does go to Mayor McCoy with what he knows. The Twilight Drive-In and South Side High were both public lands sold out from under the people of the South Side, and the same thing is about to happen to Sunnyside Trailer Park. He correctly guesses that the Lodges are paying off McCoy with election campaign promises. Oh, and he's planning an exposé.
Mr. Lodge promises to pay off every Sunnyside resident's back-rent and not force anyone out in exchange for peace...and for Jughead to keep his name out of his mouth. So, it's gonna be a no from Jug and FP, dawg.
5. Betty goes back to the body.
After waking up to Chic and Alice enjoying chocolate-chip pancakes the day after the murder like a couple of psychopaths, Betty is starting to crack. At school, when Kevin declares a body has been found (Papa Poutine, not Shady Guy), Betty ends up in the bathroom throwing her guts up. Cheryl spots her and actually tries to be nice for once, but B does not have time for that. She's off to the body to make sure it can't be seen in the light of day.
6. Betty takes the guy's phone! Without gloves!
While scoping the body, the phone rings. Turns out the guy with no connections has 47 missed calls. One time when I was in high school, I was out all night with a new boyfriend and hadn't told my parents where I would be or how late I would be out, and I only got 10 missed calls. Just saying.
7. Just Alice in general.
This entire episode is just not Alice's best moment. Betty confronts Chic with the fact that he lied to them. Shady Guy was not a client, but a drug dealer. He starts to cry and I'm actually proud of Betty when she calls bullshit, but Alice is not hearing it. Her inherent trust in Chic is juvenile, but I get it. He's her child. Anyway, while Betty and Alice talk it out, we get a shot of Chic creepily smiling through his tears. Eyes emoji.
8. Archie tells Hiram that Veronica thinks he killed Papa Poutine.
V was distraught after the news of Poutine's death and Archie tries to help - by going to Hiram about it. Seems like a very bad boyfriend move. Hiram tells Veronica point-blank he did not do it, but she wasn't born yesterday.
9. Betty starts CALLING people from Shady Guy's phone.
Bad.
10. Betty pulls Jughead into her family's whole mess.
They were really cute this whole episode, but how dare you add to that boy's stress!
11. Jughead lies to the police immediately.
Jughead thinks they should tell the police. But when a neighborhood security officer passes by and asks them about the car that's been sitting by the Coopers' home for two days, he tells her it's his. WHY? Betty hotwires the car and they dump it and the phone in the river. Not the smartest idea.
12. Veronica foils her parents' plan.
Because of the hack job story Jughead is planning, the Lodges decide the only option is to discredit Mayor McCoy before she can throw them under the bus and destroy their plans. Veronica warns McCoy that her parents know about the affair with Sheriff Keller, so she steps down as mayor and chooses to pick up her career in law again. With no more need to ruin her, Hiram asks Veronica if she went behind their backs and Veronica lies to his face. Trust don't live here anymore.
13. Alice, Betty, and Jughead pull FP Jones into their mess, too.
HOW DARE THEY? Protect my son FP Jones at all costs. Look, this was actually kind of a smart thing to do, because now he knows what to do with a body: bury it and break it down with sodium hydroxide. Still, the Joneses, arguably the family with the fewest resources and weakest ability to protect themselves, shouldn't have been dragged into the Coopers' catastrophe. Even worse is that when FP meets the other three back at the diner, he makes them promise not to bring anyone else in.
Aren't you forgetting someone? Oh, yeah. Chic is back at the house cutting up family photos of Hal. See what I mean about bad decisions?
Bonus: the One Good Decision
Every single thing Cheryl wears in this episode.
