How to Respond If Your Kid Comes Out to You

If your child comes out to you, how you react matters. We turned to experts to learn more about what to say and how to offer support to your LGBTQ+ kid.

Medically reviewed by Samantha Mann

As all parents know, raising kids doesn't come with a manual, and it's not always easy to be sure how to respond in every situation. If your child comes to you to say that they're LGBTQ+ and they're ready to come out, it's important to remember that they trust you enough to share this piece of themselves with you. This is undoubtedly and ultimately a great thing!

Still, it's understandable if you find yourself with questions, or perhaps you're just curious about how to respond and show them your support. We talked to LGBTQ+ youth experts so you'll know exactly what to say to your child, comments to avoid, and how to ensure your home is a safe, loving, and inclusive one if they come out to you.

Related: 5 Ways You Can Support Your Child Who Is Exploring Their Gender or Sexual Identity

Your Kid Just Came Out to You. Now What?

How you respond to your child's coming out is incredibly important. Your immediate first response is key—and if you're unsure of what to say, lean into an expression of gratitude and compassion. Simply saying, "Thank you for telling me," can be a great first step.

Anjali Ferguson, L.C.P., psychologist, early childhood mental health expert, and social trauma specialist says to focus on three things: managing your own emotions, being welcoming, and staying curious. "It is natural to have your own emotions related to this information, but it is important you center your child's experience," Dr. Ferguson continues. "Children may be scared to disclose this information if they worry it will impact your relationship. Be welcoming in your tone and body language to ensure they feel safe in this disclosure with you."

As for curiosity, it's okay to say that you are less aware of certain experiences or identities. It's okay to admit to what you don't know. "Stay curious in your learning and help your child see that you are willing to learn with them," explains Dr. Ferguson.

Crystal Britt, child therapist

The most important piece is letting your child know that you're open to asking questions, that you love them, and you are interested in this new information about them.

Crystal Britt, child therapist, fair play facilitator, and host of Time to Learn podcast, also notes that asking questions can make a potentially nerve-wracking conversation for your child go more smoothly. It's especially important to ask your kid how they are feeling about coming out, and she stresses it's okay if they aren't sure how to grapple with their complex identities. "The most important piece is letting them know that you're open to asking questions, that you love them, and you are interested in this new information about them," adds Britt.

The shape of this initial conversation will inform how your child treats this topic with you later on. Dr. Ferguson says that taking an active listening approach helps your kid lead the conversation. "Follow your child's lead," she says. "Let them disclose as much or as little as they feel comfortable and try not to pressure much more." Allowing your child a say in how to start—and stop—this crucial conversation empowers them with autonomy, which, in this context, means safety.

What if I Don't Know What to Say?

If you don't know how to respond when your child comes out, that's okay. It's important for your child to see you trying to learn with them, instead of taking charge in the moment.

Dr. Ferguson suggests that acknowledging you don't know what to say can be beneficial and can help keep the conversation open. "Sometimes, validating and supporting the experience comes with acknowledging our own shortcomings or lack of knowledge. For example, try offering: 'I'm so glad you were brave enough and comfortable in sharing this with me. I'm realizing I have a lot to learn about this process, but I want to learn more in how I can support you,'" she adds.

It's important to know that kids don't expect you to have all the answers. They just want you to love them for who they are.

What Not to Say if Your Kid Comes Out to You

The conversation around coming out can sometimes bring up big feelings, not just for your kid, but for you, too. But it's not appropriate to put your emotions back on your child to manage, especially if those feelings aren't positive.

"You're the parent and protecting your kid comes first," Britt notes, advising against trying to process any of your own emotions with your child. "Find a therapist or a trusted friend that provides good, unbiased advice to process with at a later time. Make sure to convey approval and acceptance to your child in the moment."

There are also certain phrases and words that are wise to avoid in these conversations. Dr. Ferguson urges parents not to accuse their child of going through a phrase, or saying things like "I knew it" or "this is not what I'm used to." It's crucial to remember that at the end of the day, your child's identity is not up for debate.

Related: I'm a Teen Who Is Nonbinary: Here's What I Wish Parents Knew About Gender

How to Create a Safe and Inclusive Home for Your LGBTQ+ Child

Once you have gotten through that initial conversation, you may be wondering how to make your home as comfortable and as safe for your child as possible. It's also important to note that these discussions will likely be ongoing, and identities can shift and evolve over time.

"Check in to see if there is anything currently in your home that your child finds harmful," advises Dr. Ferguson. "Ensure your toys, books, and media are all inclusive. Be thoughtful regarding the organizations or brands you support to ensure they do not uphold anti-LGBTQ+ agendas."

As anti-LGBTQ+ legislation continues to make headlines across the country, your child's mental health should be your number one concern. "Keep an open dialogue with your child about current events. Check in with them about their emotions and sense of safety," Dr. Ferguson continues.

It's also important to center pride in your home—especially given the rapidly-shifting landscape of legislation. Britt says you can buy your own pride gear, join the Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) chapter in your area, and hang a progressive pride flag. Develop a safe word or phrase so if your child ever feels uncomfortable, you can leave any situation—together.

"Make sure your kid knows you are on their team," Britt says. "Their safety, mentally and physically, is the priority, and this should be clearly communicated to your child and the people around them."

Dr. Anjali Ferguson

Stay curious in your learning and help your child see that you are willing to learn with them.

Where Can Parents of LGBTQ+ Youth Find Support?

After your child comes out, it can be challenging to know where to go next, but there are dozens of incredible resources, both for parents and children.

"The Trevor Project has fantastic resources that can better guide families," points out Dr. Ferguson. "Parenting Culture has curated guides and fact sheets to assist families with these processes as well." There's also the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN), along with LGBTQ Student Resources & Support, and GLAAD, which has an extensive resource list that includes legal aid organizations, scholarship funds, and more.

As always, following your child's lead is important. Listen to how they feel, and respect what they need, and this potentially nerve-wracking conversation can be the beginning of a beautiful, open, and pride-filled journey—for both of you.

Related: Queer Youth Joy Is a Radical Act

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